OUR TTC JOURNEY...

2nd ultrasound

2012-01-14T10:43:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone who shared your experiences...it definitely helped ease my fears and anxiety.

After the drama of last week, I was insistent that this week had to be different. So instead of driving 1-1/2 to our old RE's office for b/w, I settled for the hospital lab. They could give us the important test (hcg/beta) within a few hours, although the progesterone would take a few days. I could live with that. Then, I explained our situation to my obgyn's office who agreed to do the u/s ~ thank goodness!

The u/s tech was fantastic and very patient with all of our questions. And she shared, they had their daughter on their 3rd IVF attempt. Love when situations like this happen. A sign of the future, maybe?

Well, she showed us 1 baby on the screen with a lovely HB of 135! My hcg was 14,274 and "wonderful" according to my nurse. The baby still measured behind according to the ER/conception dates, however, no one (RE nurse, u/s tech, and everyone else who has shared experiences of this :) is worried. And we are officially "released" from our RE!

So grateful, so relieved, and so hopeful that this is our time!

1st ultrasound

2012-01-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

I talked to my mom last night and felt better about my decision to just be me and DH at the appt. She was totally supportive and understanding. Thank goodness for moms :)

A back story that I forgot to capture here was my drama with scheduling the u/s. I waited until this past Tues (Jan 3) to schedule it. I've had this lingering, gut feeling, apprehension. Anyways, I called my local clinic (aka clinic #1 - where we've been patients since 12/07 and completed IVF #1 and a few other monitored cycles) and they tell me they cannot do an outside OB u/s. WTH? Apparently, its an office policy. So after a minor freak out, they assuring me they've helped others in our situation and sent me to an imaging center that does various radiology tests. In addition, I needed b/w, which clinic #1 agreed to do.

So this morning, we go to the imaging center. Right away, I wondering if this is the right decision? Lots of other people there for various other things like mammograms, MRIs etc. Oh well, we were there.

The u/s tech was nice but some of the things she said about IVF and didn't know about calculations worried me. Then the u/s. The measurements she took showed the 1 gestational sac measuring a few days (2-3?) behind. She said she didn't see any other sacs but then commented that she wasn't sure what this "other was" - I called it a spot. I didn't push because all I could think was the worst. She took some other measurements and images and we were done. When she left the room, we lost it. Yep, major meltdown on the u/s table. She met us in the hall and tried to reassure us that she's seen babies make it...she was making it worse. Ugh...get me out of here already.

Before we left the parking lot, I called my nurse at our out of state clinic (clinic #2 - this is our 2nd IVF there). Immediately, she was like what's going on? I asked how far I should be measuring and babbled on about how she saw a sac and its a few days behind. She didn't skip a beat, telling me that its OK, that is perfectly fine. She said the b/w will give us the whole picture. She didn't have that yet but she expected all to be fine and we shouldn't worry. She would call only if it was bad, otherwise, the results would be on my e-record.

Well, our nurse called back about 30min later. Our hearts stopped, I'm sure. She says, I know you were worried so I just wanted to call and tell you the #s are LOVELY so don't worry, everything is fine. She proceeded to offer an u/s next Fri for my peace of mind.

When I hung up, DH and I lost it again. He said WHY did she call?! I think I had a heart attack.

The stats:
Gestational sac measuring 5w4d
Hcg - 3512
P4 - >20

Wow, what an emotional day. I am trying to remain hopeful but there is something in my gut that concerns me. I am worried. I've heard from a few friends today about their experiences and measuring behind...and all turned out fine. I hope and pray that's our situation. We want and need this baby more than anything. Please, please, please...

Apprehensive

2012-01-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

That's how I feel about Friday's ultrasound. It sucks. I'm trying to be in the moment but quite frankly, I can't. I won't what if either because where's that going to get me? More apprehension and nervousness. Ugh. Bad week for my acupuncturist to be on vacay!

And to add to my already emotional state, I think I hurt my mom's feelings tonight. She asked what time my u/s is on Friday and I told her 10a. She proceeded to say that she was thinking about coming up for it. I paused and said I had thought about that too but hadn't mentioned it to DH yet. I said, I didnt know, I'm just really guarded about this because it could be bad. She replied with, that's ok, I won't. We kinda talked over each other with me saying, no, let me think about it and her saying its ok. I finally said, do you have the day off? And she said no, but I was going to take the day. Ugh. So when I get home, I mentioned it to DH who thinks its weird and agrees, what if its not good news?

I hate hurting her feelings and I feel like I did. I hate this feeling, like I've let her down because God knows she's been our biggest cheerleader. I asked DH about it again a few minutes ago and he doesn't care either way but I don't know if I should just leave it be or ask her...why is everything so complicated?

I cannot wait for Friday to be over so we have more info about what our future holds.

Beta #2

2011-12-28T20:23:00.001-05:00

Finally home from holiday traveling...

My 2nd beta was last Friday, December 23rd. At 10dp5dt it was 166! That isn't exactly "double" but it increased by 94% from Wed. {THANK YOU Rebecca for sharing that this was a possibility and totally normal because I was better prepared and didn't freak out!} When my nurse called, she said it was "perfect" and didn't skip a beat.

Next step, I have an ultrasound next Friday, January 6, 2012!

Beta #1

2011-12-22T06:04:00.000-05:00

Since our current RE and fertility center is out of state, we are coordinating bloodwork with our previous clinic/old RE that is "local" (still 90min each way but closer than 12 hrs :)

Well, I found out both offices will be closed on Sat. So if/when my beta would be positive, I would have to wait until next week for round 2. Not exactly thrilled. So I talked to my nurse about the positive hpt's and she agreed to move my beta to yesterday.

So....beta #1 at 8dp5dt = 88.9

I know it's early but I was/am a little worried. I can't explain it other than its close to my beta # (77) on my natural BFP that ended shortly after with a miscarriage. I was secretly hoping this beta would just blow that # away and push the worry away. Instead, we are here. Hoping and praying for a good doubling beta on Friday. And scared to death.

It's weird. We've both been pretty quiet the past few days in anticipation of the results. You would think we'd be jumping and screaming from the rooftops. I guess it's the reality of infertility and this journey we are on.

For today, it's a victory and we will continue to take it one day at a time and remain cautiously optimistic.

POAS

2011-12-19T18:54:00.000-05:00

I couldn't wait. I had a feeling.

(It's hard to tell in this picture but the 2nd line on the middle one is darker than the first test.)

1st - 12/18/11 5dp5dt
2nd and 3rd - 12/19/11 6dp5dt (the digital one came up at exactly 1 minute!)

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! Not telling everyone just yet. :)

I found out today my RE's office will be closed on Sat and Sun. So I emailed my nurse asking if they could move my beta to Wed so that I can get both in before Christmas. I hope they agree. I need that confirmation that things are on the right track!

****

Rebecca, thank you so much for commenting on my last post. I TOTALLY agree with you and contemplated today just copying and pasting your reply as my own and sending it to SIL. I haven't yet. In light of our good news, I can only hope and pray that it continues. And I know if I tell her how her post hurt my feelings and was over the line, it will probably hurt her feelings and then there will be this weirdness there. So....for now, I'm leaving it alone and relishing this excitement and "high" we are on.

Over the line?

2011-12-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

Our relationship is complicated with my DH's family. We live 3 hours away from both of our families but see my family at least every 1-2 months and more frequently depending on birthdays, celebrations, or other special events. We are lucky to see his family 1-2 each year...no matter what.

Faceb.ook has been really nice to be able to connect with everyone and stay up to date on what's happening in their lives. We have a closed family group for DH's family and they post things there every now and then. Well, one of my SILs took it upon herself to post the DETAILS of our ET last week on the closed group.

At first, I was pissed and now, after a few days, I'm hurt. Hurt that the info she posted is ours to share, not hers. It is what I chose to share with her, MIL, and other SIL in a text from me to them. Not to the rest of the aunts, uncles, and cousins. I haven't told my DH because I know he'll be pissed and this will be one more thing that pushes him away from them. Here is her post:

My dearest family members:

I don't know how much you all know, but I wanted to share this with you because I know they need all the hope and prayers they can get! You may or may not know that N and A are in XYZ again trying for a baby. They have been there since Thanksgiving weekend. They had 7 embryos growing strong and yesterday they transferred 3 of them. 4 of them didn't make it. They are ranked by condition, 1 being GREAT, 1 being GOOD, and 1 that was a day behind. Now we just hope and pray and hope and pray some more! They get a blood test done next Thursday. We are praying for a Christmas Miracle that the procedure will be successful. They could be there through Christmas or longer if everything stays successful. So continue to hope and pray for them and their little embryos! We love you N & A!

When I read it, I know she had nothing but good intentions to gather more support for us. But damn, this crap is hard enough without putting this detail out for everyone to read. I would have NEVER chose to give them that much detail about the embies - she basically copied my text about the embryos. Most of these people probably have NEVER heard the word "embryo" before, that do not have a clue about IVF, or the process. I'm sure some of them think we'll have triplets because we transferred 3.

Anyways, I have been contemplating - do I respond? to just her? to everyone? Let it go? I've been trying not to think about it because right now is not the time I need worry. I mean, it is what it is. It's done. But I feel like she stepped over the line.

***

Today is 5dp5dt. I have been really tired the past few days and just lounged around. I had twinges off and on yesterday...hoping that means at least one of these embabies is sticking around!

ET - 5dt

2011-12-15T13:06:00.003-05:00

A few days late but I'm trying to capture the moments...

My ET was on Tuesday, Dec 13th. Anxiety ruled the morning since we hadn't had any updates on our 7 embies since Friday. I was trying so hard to go with the rule, that no news is good news! But had a hard time convincing my mind to shut down.

When the RE came in to discuss "the plan", he gave us the long-awaited update. 4 embies didn't make it to day 5. :( The 3 growing were: 2 blasts - rated as "great" and "good" and 1 morula (a day behind in development). I didn't ask for more specifics because I was thrilled that we had made it this far. My hopes and prayers had been for at least 1 blast to transfer and not only did we have 1 but TWO BLASTS!!!!! He asked us how many we'd like to transfer. We asked his thoughts. He explained that while the morula is a day behind, he's seen morulas become healthy babies. And he went on to say while there would be a slight chance (<5%) of triplets, he thought we would "cross that bridge" if we came to it. He recommended to transfer all 3. We wholeheartedly agreed and transferred the 3 little ones!

My beta is next Thursday, Dec 22nd. Lots of time to dream, hope and pray! Snuggle in tight embabies!

CD 20 update

2011-12-09T22:19:00.000-05:00

So I've been a slacker posting the details this time around. Here is a summary thus far:

IVF #3 ~ Nov/Dec 2011 - EPP; acupunture, chinese herbs, DHEA, royal jelly, baby aspirin
10/25/11 ~ CD 3 FSH = 13.4, E2 = 37.9
11/3/11 ~ started Lupron
11/20/11 ~ CD 1
11/22/11 ~ CD 3 FSH = 2.9, E2 = 66
11/22/11 ~ start stims: 300iu gonal f/follistim; 300iu menopur; dexamethasone
12/1/11 ~ start ganirelex e
12/6/11 ~ after 14 days of stims, E2 = 2801; HCG trigger!
12/8/11 ~ ER = 9 eggs!
12/9/11 ~ OMG ~ 7 embryos!
12/13/11 ~ ET 5dt

We are SOOOOOOOOOO relieved that we have embryos growing right now!!! And we're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED that we have 7! Yes, SEVEN; S-E-V-E-N! I need to pinch myself every few minutes. Is this really happening to us?!

Please, PLEASE, PLLLEEEAAASSSEEE God, let 1 of those lucky 7 be our baby we've longed for.

IVF #3 - officially underway!

2011-11-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

1st lupron shot - done! This cycle has officially started!

It is a different protocol this time. The good - they hope this does the trick. The bad - lots more meds. It is the estrogen priming protocol. I started estrogen pills today, too. I take those and the lupron until AF arrives and then, the party of meds really starts!

Excited. Nervous. Hopeful!

9 months later...

2011-10-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

Long time, no write...time flies when you're trying to forget about TTC!

First things first! My beautiful niece (aka Baby C) was born on September 13, 2011. Baby C is adorable and as a friend put it, scrumptious! She is a snuggler, and by all means, this auntie loves to snuggle her! :)

Our little puppy, Rosco, is now 10 months old! He is so full of energy that it's hard to keep up sometimes! Rosco loves to snuggle too and gives too many kisses to count! The sweetest story as of late - I showed him a picture of Baby C on my phone the other day - and he gave her kisses! Love that little guy and oh how he has helped make this year a joy, to say the least!

We've found ourselves more grounded this year than most. It's been kinda funny, who would have thought a puppy would change our pick-up and go, traveling style. Well, he has. For the most part, we hang out at home or visit family where he tags along!

Fun things so far this year...
*DH and I returned to the Dominican Republic in May for 2 glorious weeks of R & R!
*Kenny Chesney in concert!
*Jane's Addiction in concert - twice!

And...embarking on IVF #3 in a few weeks! Eeekkkkkk!

The day arrived.

2011-01-29T07:47:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, my parents made a 3hr trip each way to tell us face-to-face that my youngest sister who is 9 years younger than me is, yep, you guessed it, pregnant. Now, while I would have loved to hold it together, I didn't. And I still can't. Tears fill my eyes as I type this.

I managed to pull it together and apologize profusely and tried to explain.my tears were.happy ears for them and painful tears for us. I even pulled it together enough to go out to dinner. I felt horrible after they left. Although they say they understand, I know they don't really. I know they hurt to see me/us in pain and grief but I want them to be happy. I want to be happy. I am happy for my sis and BIL but hurt so much because of our situation.

In other news, AF arrived this morning (2 days late, which I must admit, secret hope and dreams of going through pregnancy with my sis ensued) and the BRIGHTEST moment of the year so far, we are a few hours away from meeting our new little puppy! We have been patiently waiting for about a year as we researched and prepared. Excited to meet him and hoping he brings joy and much distraction to our lives!

Bring on 2011

2011-01-01T17:52:00.000-05:00

To re-cap...we talked to our RE on Wed morning (12/22) when he called to let us know the results of the last egg. I have been doing lots of reading the past few months on egg and sperm quality. Tests for sperm are better as they rate sperm by morphology and motility but still there is not full proof way....well, same for eggs. They rate them by appearance (or as our RE said, "it's a beauty contest") and I obviously didn't win. Of the 4 eggs - 3 were mature - 2 were rated "poor" and 1 "fair". He said but even with those ratings, it doesn't mean that they won't fertilize. He said there is just no way to tell. Also, he assured us that this doesn't mean that IVF won't work. He said we should cycle again and they will increase my meds and see what happens. He thinks we should treat this as a fluke and move forward. Ugh - easier said than done, right?

Anyway, he was nothing but kind and patient with our questions and thoughts. I guess, I feel like the bottom line is we have crappy eggs and crappy sperm. I will be digging deep this next month to continue to find motivation and desire to keep pushing through. Last week was rough. This week was better. In my mind, I know it will be easier with time. But my heart still hurts and the wound is still fresh.

As a good friend said today, "New Year - New Hope and Possibilities" ~ oh, how right she is. Although not all of 2010 was terrible, I am ready for a fresh start, for sure. Bring on 2011 ~ Happy New Year!

Fertilization update

2010-12-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

Or lack thereof. Zero eggs fertilized. No embryos. No transfer. We are on our way home. Heartbroken.

Fertilization Limbo

2010-12-21T15:15:00.001-05:00

Of my 4 eggs, 3 were mature. They ICSI'd the 3 eggs and 2 did not fertilize. The other one - well, they are not sure yet. It was "uncertain" if fertilization occurred so they wanted to give it another day. We have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if we may have 1 embryo for transfer.

Ugh. This is not what we expected. Not a good day...

Oh and for the record, I started progesterone support (Crinone) and Estrace this morning...just in case.

ER Update - Dec 20th

2010-12-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

They retrieved 4 eggs this morning....not sure about maturity or fertilization, yet. They will call us tomorrow with that information and also let us know if it will be a 3 or 4 day transfer. The process was a little different than our other RE as they brought DH back for the procedure. I was already out but it was nice he was there when I woke up. :)

The nurse who prepped the IV totally missed my vein or something and it was a river of blood running down my arm....glad I'm not squeamish! Seriously, there was blood everywhere! I know she was embarrassed when the other tech came in and said something about it....then, she asks me, "Is that always trouble?". I was like, "Well, no, actually never." She did not have much else to say.

Anyways, not much else happening, just resting and relaxing. I slept for about 3hrs when we got back and then we went to Chzcake Factory for dinner! Hoping and praying for good news tomorrow.....hopefully, we have 4 strong embabies growing!!!

CD 11 Update

2010-12-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

Wow, I.am.so.tired. These meds are kicking my butt! Last round of stim meds were last night, HCG shot is tonight (in 10 minutes), and ER on Monday at 10am!

Yesterday's #s:
E2 = 1811
P4 = .8
LH = 10.03
follicles = 5 total (3 on the left, 2 on right)

Even though there are still 2 measurable follies on the right, they are slightly smaller than Wed. My right ovary was smaller yesterday than Wed, too. What does this mean? How/why does an ovary get smaller and follies get smaller? How can this be when we've been pumping my body full of stims for over a week?!

Anyways, I digress....please, pLeAsE, PLEASE let Monday bring good news about good quality, mature eggs!

CD 9 update

2010-12-15T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today's #'s:
E2 = 970
P4 = 1.2
LH = 10.01
follicles = 5 total (3 on left, 2 on right)

So...obviously, we were hoping for more follicles but I'm trying not to caught up on quantity and think quality. Ugh. So tough. I will continue on the same medication doses and go back on Friday morning. With this pace, they think ER will be Monday and ET on Thursday or Friday.

I came across this meditation CD series called Circle+Bloom. Has anyone used them? Since we had already started this cycle, I passed this time but saw something similar at our Center's boutique today. I bought the one for IVF cycles. It is on my agenda tonight.

Also, I had a massage today at the Center. One word, relaxed. They offer acupuncture, too. I did it regularly during our last IVF cycle. I haven't this time but thinking about adding it to mix for the next week.

IVF #2 underway!

2010-12-13T22:10:00.000-05:00

It is official....we are in the midst of our IVF cycle! Thursday's CD 3 b/w and u/s were fine so I started stims that evening. Lining was good a 6ish and, best news of all, my FSH was 10.9! I started DHEA about 6 weeks before this....so hopefully, that is a good sign!

We went for our first appointment at the new RE's office today. Wowzers! They have their shit together! No waiting for a phone call from the nurse, we have an online patient account to login and see all of the lab and u/s results. The staff were so nice and welcoming, even gave us tips for shopping and avoiding sales tax! LOL

E2 = 465 today (CD 7) a little high, but I'll take that over suppressed any day! We go back Wednesday and Friday. So far, so good!

CD 1 (a little late)

2010-12-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I started spotting late Monday afternoon and AF was in full force yesterday. CD 1 *officially* yesterday, 12/7. I go for CD 3 baselines (bloodwork and ultrasound) tomorrow morning!

Also, need opinions and thoughts, please! I've been thinking about starting another blog and sharing it with our families. There are a few posts I've wrote here in the past that might hurt someone's feelings. I'm concerned about that.

Has anyone else done this? other ideas? I don't want it to be more complicated (I'm already not a daily blogger :) but I think it might help shed light on the reality of what we are going through.

It figures...

2010-12-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

AF should have been here yesterday....this morning, at the latest. My body was telling me she was on her way....cramps off and on since Fri, feeling hot, achy, and b*itchy (sorry, babe!). The TP had been stark white until about an hour ago....TMI: it was a pinkish but not blood.

No HPTs in the house and I would have to drive 45 min roundtrip in snowy, treacherous weather. I NEED to be working for the next 5 hours to keep on schedule for getting things done before we are supposed to leave! So DH is going to call after work and bring one home if the witch hasn't fully arrived by then. Now, just to keep myself busy and stop obsessing!

It figures this would happen. I have been stressed all kinds of crazy from work and just anxious about this cycle and all that it brings. Just ready to get this show on the road!

1 week to go

2010-12-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

About this time next Thursday evening, we will be arriving at our hotel in New York! So excited to get this started! Our first shipment of meds arrived today....it just makes it all more real! 2 questions: does Menopur have to be refrigerated? (couldn't find anything on the packaging) and is it difficult to mix the Menopur? DH is the official chemist and is now worried once he found out he will have to mix this like daily! I just laughed and he said, "Glad someone can laugh about it. It freaks me out!" LOL Love him!

Finally, good news!

2010-11-29T19:08:00.000-05:00

After all of the drama at the beginning of the year with DH's varicocele surgery and recovery, we were very skeptical that anything good was to come from it. Then, about the time he was to have an updated S/A, we had the roller coaster of the miscarriages and DH put it off indefinitely. Finally, in prep for our cycle which starts next week, he went Wednesday for a S/A. And today, we received GOOD news!

Count ~ 14 million (2x more than ever!)
Motility ~ 64% rapid, 9% slowly
Morphology ~ 0% perfect, 9% slightly abnormal

RE said the count and motility are definite improvements. The morphology remains unchanged but with IVF it doesn't matter. They will take the best looking sperm anyways! We are elated and this is wonderful news to get this cycle started! Less than 1 week! Eeeeek!

Welcome ICLW!

2010-11-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

Our story:
I am 34, my DH is 35, and we live in the Midwest. We are living with infertility. Our challenge had been male factor with severe oligozoospermia (count less than 10M) and mild endo. Over the summer, we learned my FSH was elevated and now, officially, diagnosed with DOR. After being shell-shocked, we realized time is of the essence and have been evaluating our options over the past few months. We recently decided to proceed with a multi-cycle plan, at a new clinic (that is about 12 hours from home), next month (Dec). While I am excited to be moving forward, I am nervous and afraid. Thankfully, my job has been so insanely busy that I have not had much time to really think about all of the *what-if's*! I plan to journal about my feelings, the procedures, and our journey over the next month right here.

If you want to read more about our journey to the diagnosis of IF, click here.

A little more about how we got here: For the past 2 years, we have been in limbo-land HELL. In 2008, we did an IUI cycle, an IVF cycle, spent our savings, and took out a loan. In 2009, in the midst of the economic crisis, we tried to sell our house (we recently took it off the market). In Dec 09, DH had surgery to repair a varicocele. In 2010, we started the new year dedicated to a healthier lifestyle, working out and eating better. In April, we got our 1st ever BFP, ON.OUR.OWN! The joy ended a week later. In late May, I was late again but our fears were quickly realized. Needless to say, the roller coaster of emotions of those few months caused our plans to derail and we went crashing off course. We had a WTF appt with our RE who thought updated tests would be a good idea. That is when we got more bad news as I had a high FSH (25 - July). In August, it was down but still elevated (12). In Sept, the AMH test was .48 which is an indicator of diminished ovarian reserve.

So, here.we.are. We are 100% self-pay (no insurance coverage) and taking out another loan to pay for the upcoming treatment. That is ~~probably~~ my biggest fear right now. We are investing so much in this, if it doesn't work ~ UGH, my stomach turns at the thought ~ I try to not let myself go there. My comfort is knowing that we have more than 1 shot at this, this time. That has been our desire all along (since our failed cycles). If/when we started treatment again, we had to have more than 1 cycle. We thought a shared-risk plan was the answer but with my recent test results, we are not candidates for those now. We are VERY fortunate that we found a great RE/clinic, with decent/average stats, that offers multi-cycle plans! So today, I am THANKFUL and HOPEFUL that we are headed in the right direction.

Thanks for stopping by!

Big decision!

2010-11-14T14:23:00.000-05:00

We have made a decision! We are moving forward with a multi-cycle IVF plan with a new RE in December! As in NEXT month! We had our consult on 11/5 and really liked the RE. He suggested the flare protocol since it takes awhile for me to respond to stims.

AF should arrive around 12/5. We will do baselines here and then travel to NY for a few weeks. ER/ET will be the week of Christmas!

Also, I made it back to the gym yesterday, finally. It was odd walking back in there - the last time was in April, when I was pregnant. Mixed emotions thinking about that yesterday. But it's past me. I did it. And I will go back tomorrow.

p.s. AF arrived this past Mon, 11/8. :(

Good news

2010-10-27T21:22:00.000-04:00

We got the paperwork from the new clinic to complete prior to our consult. They want it at least 1 week prior, which means this Friday, YIKES ~ where does time go these days?! Ah yes, my CRAZY work schedule. The positive ~ it has kept me so busy, this cycle is flying by!

As we prepare for the consult, we have been discussing when we want to do the next IVF cycle. Given an A-ok by the new RE, we have pretty much settled on December. I was initially concerned because work is out of control busy but DH helped me put that in perspective, relatively quick. :o)

It is hard for me to, well, think about ME. I am very, Type-A....need a plan, need others to have a plan, need to always give my all, need to be dependable, reliable, involved in the planning, ETC... Did I mention, I am the oldest of my family? I LOVE that he didn't give me an option. He knows it is time for us to move forward.

So as my job duties have exploded in the past few weeks, I have been wondering how to break the news to my boss that I might need to be gone for 3-4 wks in Dec. Thankfully, she knows our story and struggles. I mentioned in passing about a consult with a new clinic. She brought it up earlier this week and asked me where things stand. I took the opportunity to spill the "plan". She hugged me and immediately was supportive and assured me, we'd make it work. Whatever it takes. WHEW!

CD 13 ~ + OPK

2010-10-24T20:07:00.000-04:00

My RE's office checks their messages at 7:30am on Sat and Sun. I woke both mornings between 7am - 7:25am this weekend (without an alarm clock) to take a OPK with FMU. Both were negative. This morning, I was grouchy that for the 2nd morning in the row that I was able to sleep in, I couldn't. Isn't it funny how our subconscious works?

Although the RE's office said I only need to test in the morning, the past few months, my + has shown up in the evening. I took another OPK this evening and got a :o) I will call the RE tomorrow, although we have decided to BD and not do an IUI this round. We have made the decision to save the $ for our pursuit of IVF in the near future. Our consultation with the new clinic is 11/5.

And for the record, I had an insane work schedule this past week. This next week is not much better but I hope to deal with things better since I'll be without the Clomid. It made me tired, whiney and grouchy.

CD 1 ~ Clomid cycle

2010-10-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

AF arrived today. I called our RE today. We are proceeding with a clomid cycle with OPKs and bd'ing. I go for a baseline u/s on Thursday.

In the meantime, we have scheduled a phone consultation with another clinic. Since the results of my latest tests have put us out of the running for a shared risk IVF plan, we have been looking at our options. I found this clinic who offers very reasonable packages for multiple IVF cycles. Their ART stats are good and they seem to do a lot of cycles. Excited to be moving forward!

********************

In other exciting news, a good friend (who I met because of our infertility struggles) gave birth today to twins, 1 boy and 1 girl. I am so proud of you Lindsay for finding the strength to push through the dark days and keeping the hope that some day, today would arrive! So happy for you and Steve, love you girl!

AMH Results

2010-09-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

Our RE's office called on Friday, 9/17, with my AMH results ~ we were out of town for fun weekend in Chicago and I called them back on Monday, 9/20. Isn't it funny how things happen sometimes? They ALWAYS call my cell but this time they didn't. Glad, they didn't. It would have ruined our weekend. This way, it just ruined our week. AMH = .48

AMH is basically a measure of ovarian reserve. At our consult, RE told us that 2-4 is "good" and <1 is "bad". In his experience, 50% of IVF cycles with AMH <.75 are cancelled due to poor response.

Needless to say, this week has been tough. Until recent months, it seemed that MFI was our challenge and we had a glimmer of hope. Now, it is a different situation and I feel we are at a crossroad. My head is spinning and my emotions are out.of.control. The tears are flowing as I write this and think about the reality of never having our biological child.

2 years later & P4

2010-09-08T20:57:00.001-04:00

It has been 2 years since I started this blog to capture our journey. Never thought we would still be here, trying to have a baby. While some things are different, much is still the same....hell, the most important piece of this is still the same ~ no baby. :(

So, where are we at these days?

Tests ~ I had b/w yesterday for a baseline progesterone (luteal phase) and AMH. My progesterone results CD 21 (7dpo) = 16.9 (the nurse said anything >10 is "good"). Still waiting on the AMH. Pending these results, we hope to do a natural cycle next month with progesterone support.

Financially ~ Our house has been FSBO for about 18 months. The market here is terrible and each day, it seems there is another house or 2 for sale. Our hope was to sell our house and use the profit to finance our next cycles. We've had a few offers but none that would allow us this opportunity....so we have stayed put. My job situation has complicated this 10x over with various changes but right now, it looks like it would be nice to reduce/eliminate my nearly 2-hour each way commute. Of course, that affects DH's job and becomes a more complicated decision....that we haven't figured out yet.

Big picture ~ I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know where this journey will take us. I do know that I am trying to keep my faith in what will be, will be.

RE Consult

2010-08-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

My last cycle was short and I ended up being able to do another round of CD 3 tests last Friday (8/20). We had scheduled our RE consult to discuss the high FSH results for Tuesday, 8/24, so it worked out perfectly to have the latest results for our discussion. The nurse called on Monday, FSH = 12, E=33. YAY! :o) As RELIEVED as I felt, it was just as confusing...

We talked to our RE on Tuesday and here is his perspective:
*even though 12 is obviously better, 12 is borderline
*an isolated, elevated FSH is worrisome to him, it could be a sign of a potential problem
*12 doesn't say whether or not I'll get pregnant but when FSH gets to 25, "IVF is no benefit, absolutely no benefit" (CRINGE!)
*12 means a diminished response to stims - but it is good info to know and we can work with it - start with higher stims for a cycle
*there is nothing you can "do" to treat a high FSH
*there is nothing that we can attribute the high FSH to (diet, exercise, alcohol - I was worried about that since we had just got back from vacation)
*he thinks I should get AMH test - it is a cycle independent test (so he says, it doesn't matter if it is taken in a different cycle)
*AMH is a blood test and he thinks a good test to compliment the FSH. If it is <1, then we have reason to be concerned for POF.

Since the early miscarriages in the spring, I have been searching and reading as much information as I can. One topic that I have read a lot about is Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). I asked him about LPD because it seems in some cycles, my luteal phase is short.

He said the luteal phase is directly related to the follicular phase (before ovulation). If the follicles do not develop well, the luteal phase is shorter. He said he wrote an article that was published in 87-88 about this....he was talking over our heads for a bit but basically, he said there isn't a "test" to know if this is a problem - you just treat it as it is a problem. He said the treatment is adding progesterone support after ovulation. I said, well, I guess I'm asking if we can treat it as it is an issue because I think it may be. His thoughts on that:
*if we do a treatment cycle, then they would add progesterone support anyway
*if we want to do natural cycles, then sure, he would be fine with adding that 3 days after +OPK and then do HPT to see what happens

Finally, we asked about clomid for both of us. He said he wants to see DH's S/A first but that again, depending on what we wanted to do with cycling, he would be fine with me doing clomid.

So.....basically, I need AMH and a baseline progesterone test. DH needs a S/A to give us more information and determine where we go from here. We are a little frustrated because REALLY why didn't he just have the AMH done last wk when I did FSH???? If he knew that those 2 tests together would give us a better indication after the 25 FSH.....but WHATEVER, I'm trying to stay positive and see this as the next step for us that will lead us to a wonderful outcome!

June-July Re-cap, more bad news.

2010-08-02T19:55:00.000-04:00

Cannot.believe.it.is.August! I haven't kept up here or the IF boards. Honestly, I've tried to "forget" about all things TTC for the past month or so....yeah, not working so well.

After our June RE consult, we did much talking about what "we should do". July was shaping up to be a busy month....we had a long-weekend away planned and a 2-week vacay. To avoid dampening our spirits, we decided to put off my Day 3 blood work.

We spent the 4th of July in the Disney World area and made note of all the places "we will bring our child someday." That evening, we caught a ride to WDW, purchased a few adult beverages, and found "the perfect spot" on the beach of Seven Seas Lagoon to watch the fireworks and water parade. We were bummed they only lasted 11 minutes!

The next week, we were home for 5 days and then off on our 2-week hiatus to St. John, USVI. Even though Tropical Storm Bonnie made for some interesting weather, we had a fabulous time. We ventured to the BVI and explored new places. We celebrated our 34th and 35th birthdays. We ate lots of yummy food, laughed a lot, and enjoyed our time together. The beaches were as gorgeous as ever and we just love, love, LOVE the islands!

As our vacation was coming to an end, AF arrived. Impeccable timing. Since I planned an extra vacay day before I returned to work and that just happened to be CD 3, we decided to move forward with the tests on 7/26. Our RE's office called the next day with the results: FSH = 25.3 and estrogen >30. FSH should *ideally* be <10. RE wants to "talk". I don't want to hear what he has to say. I don't want to hear about donor egg as our next option.

At our June consult, he briefly mentioned donor egg as we discussed getting the updated tests, b/w, and figuring out what was next. My heart sank then, I was offended that he "went there." And now, here.we.are.

We have an appointment in a few weeks but I don't know if I even want to go. If I could go. Physically, I am fine. Emotionally, I am not. From the outside, I am fine. On the inside, I am not.

Moving Forward, Etc.

2010-06-10T20:56:00.001-04:00

Long time, no post. Where to start? The pregnancy ended in a natural miscarriage. AF arrived on 4/30...which in itself brought crap-load of emotions. We were in such a *good* place before that roller coaster...and then....

5/28 came and went.....AF was late again. 5/30 brought us another +HPT (DH insisted on waiting 2 days). I called the RE's office to schedule beta for the next day. Then, AF arrived that evening! Blah!

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on 6/5! We went to a casino resort for a weekend getaway! It was wonderful and DH got extra points for my spa package! :)

We ended the relaxing weekend with a visit to the RE on 6/7 to discuss the recent events and future plans. We asked our questions about what could have happened with the pregnancies, RPL and other testing. RE is cautious about RPL testing since these were such early losses. He feels that we need more information to make a more informed decision. We agree. So.....we did a baseline beta for me that day (result is 0, since the recent +HPT); I will re-do CD3 testing next cycle; DH will have a new SA. From there, we will decide if we want to try on our own a few more months, pursue genetic testing, or do IUI with/without meds.

To complicate matters, DH has been having problems with his back again. This has led to meds that may affect his counts and a cortisone injection is on the horizon. The injection steroid may affect his counts, too.....so his SA will be all about the timing. And then, if it isn't good ~ I know we will have questions as to whether the meds affected it.

When is timing not an issue when TTC and IF? :( The complications continue...

Monday's update

2010-04-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

I stopped the prometrium yesterday. It is odd not to take something that is supposed to help. But I also do not want to delay the inevitable if that is the way this is supposed to unfold.

Today, I had a few twinges/aches but nothing major. My bb's are still sore and I felt a little nauseous this morning. And most of all, still no AF. Hmmm, I wonder if she'll show tomorrow?

My SIL called today to check on me. I am glad she cares and called but it was awkward. Basically, she was concerned that my doc was making me wait until Thurs to do b/w and not doing an u/s. Honestly, she was kind of adamant about it. After she stopped talking, I said, "Well, it's too early. Today is 5wks 1day."

She said, "Oh, I didn't realize that."

Yeah, we are the crazy people who were SO EXCITED that we were finally pregnant that we blabbed to the whole world at 4wks 3 days!! What were we thinking?!?

3 days to go...

Roller Coaster of a Week

2010-04-25T13:55:00.002-04:00

Just been living life the past few months and not focusing on TTC and IF...I needed a break.  I have been busy with work and all that comes with starting a new program. I started working out and going to the gym regularly; just taking it day by day. Until this week...

I realized last Sunday evening that AF was due any time.  I had been ill the previous week and with stress from work, I thought that was delaying her arrival. Tuesday morning (4/20), I woke up with what seemed like AF cramps. I took some ibuprofen and went about my day. By the afternoon, my mind was racing. Still, no AF. On my way home, I bought HPTs.  I took one when I got home and to my SHOCK it read "Pregnant"! We were in a daze!

On Wednesday morning (4/21), I called my RE's office and went in for a beta. 1st beta = 77.2 and p4 = >40 These are great #'s! I went back on Friday morning (4/23) for another beta and not such good news....2nd beta = 77.6 and p4=18. The RE said it didn't look good for this to be a viable pregnancy and wanted me to come back today/Sunday (4/25). I asked about progesterone supplement since the p4 dropped so much. They gave me a RX for prometrium (suppository).  Today's #'s 3rd beta = 77.9 and p4 = 32.5.

I had a different nurse than during the week. I asked her when she was taking my blood if the prometrium would cause the p4 to rise anyways even if the hcg didn't? She said no because it is a suppository and it provides the p4 support but not enough to absorb into my blood yet. DH asked her about the twin theory (if both implanted but then 1 wasn't making it causing the p4 to drop and hcg to remain the same)....she said she absolutely thinks that is a possibility; however, though since this wasn't an IVF cycle, the chances of twins are diminished. We told her that actually twins run on DH's side of the family...his aunts, our nieces, etc. So....she was like, well then definitely that could be a possibility. She said if the #'s do not rise or go down, then we'll have to monitor it and see what happens. She mentioned the ectopic possibility, too.

So when she called, she said the hcg remained basically unchanged at 77.9 and p4 at 32.5. The RE thinks that the prometrium may have caused the rise in the p4 and may be delaying mother nature's work (miscarriage) (which contradicts what the nurse first told us this morning). So they want me to stop the prometrium and go back in 4 days (Thurs). The RE's feeling is that we'll see it drop or if something is awry right now, it should take off by then if it's going too. And if not, they'll need to monitor it closely to see if it's ectopic.

So....guess what, we wait! The story of our lives! It figures it would go this way for us....nothing is ever easy! Now I have 4 days to search the boards and internet for beta trends like this.

I'm doing okay....frustrated that it's going to be a long process to figure out what is going to happen but it is what it is. I am scared about the ectopic possibility because I've read lots of bad stories about those ~ so at this point, I am hoping that is NOT the case! DH is doing okay....he's more frustrated about it than I am, I think. I have read SO much on the board over the years that there are so many crazy situations and he doesn't have that. I just keep telling him, it doesn't look good that this is going to be a healthy pregnancy. Although, anything could happen at this point, the majority of situations where the beta doesn't double do not turn out good.

The next 4 days are going to be the longest of my life!

Next Step

2010-01-17T17:21:00.001-05:00

Thanks girls for the well wishes for DH. He is doing well. Thank goodness!

We have decided to seek a 3rd opinion on our situation. We have two doctors on the list, Dr. Lev.ine in Chicago and Dr. Silb.er in St. Louis. Both are urologists who specialize in MFI. Does anyone have any experience with either? Any other suggestions or recommendations of urologists or RE's? We are willing to travel. (Okay, I re-read this to proof before publishing and this sounds like a classified ad! LOL)

In the meantime, we received a post card this week to call urologist #2's office to schedule an appointment. We assume for a post-surgery follow-up. We have not called yet....I guess you could say, we are apprehensive about having that appointment. I mean, we want to ask him some hard questions, but at the same time, he is the only doctor locally who was willing to give Clom.id a try for DH. Which we are still very interested in doing....if the repair does not help.

Varicocele Post-Surgery Story

2010-01-11T12:56:00.002-05:00

As most bloggers do, I use this space to keep track of our treatment history. This is what happened last week:

Last weekend (Jan 2-3rd), DH had swelling and pain in *the boys*. We decided that I would call the urologist's office on Monday (they were closed for the holiday Thurs-Sun) and find out if we should be concerned and if the doc wanted to see him.  On Monday, Jan 4th, I forgot to take the doc's # w/ me so I looked it up online...just a general search. The 1st # I found was busy...I tried a few times and it was still busy....so I started clicking on other web pages to see if there was another # or something....thought maybe I got the fax # or a different line (other than the main #) or whatever.

Well, one page I clicked on was an editorial about the doctor. Of course, I started reading and my heart dropped. It talked about these numerous malpractice suits he has had over his 25 yrs in practice, how his license was revoked in another state and how he was on probation here but a big named hospital stepped up to 'fight' for him (which I think he is now affiliated with - haven't got that figured out yet). Needless to say, I was FREAKED OUT. All I could think was WTF?

Then, I finally get through to the doc's office and find out he is on vacay until the 18th.  I tell them about DH's condition and ask about our options. She said we could go to his primary doc, call this other urologist and see if they would see him (which happens to be urologist #1) or go the ER.

I talked to DH and he was hurting much more by then....he didn't want to go to doc #1 and we thought it was stupid to go to primary doc because he hasn't been involved in any of this. So, we opted for the ER. DH had to be at work the entire day to get holiday pay, so he stuck it out...

We go to the ER after work....they were great, got him in w/in 15 minutes and went straight to an eval room (skipped the triage, thank God!). The nurse took all of the info and asked questions.  She gave him an iv w/ pain meds, took b/w and urine sample. The ER doc came in and asked more questions and said he was sending him for u/s and then a urologist would come and talk to us and let us know what's going on.

Finally, we went to radiology and he had the u/s. The tech was nice - young guy - mid-20's. He talked through taking the pics and asked lots of questions. He asked which side the varicocele was on and DH told him left. I asked if he could see the repair? He did not answer me. (DH told me later the tech he made a face - his back was to me). The tech went on asking about something else. Then, he took pics of DH's groin area and made a comment about the location of the incision....we asked is that normal? He said that he assists another urologist in surgery and he has never seen it that high. (Now, granted, he is young and docs have different approaches....yada, yada....but what??).   He leaves for a bit to go talk to the radiologist to see if the pics are 'good enough'. While he was out of the room, we talked about it and decided we would push to get more answers about what he thinks he saw.....so he comes back and DH asks him if he could see the repair on the u/s? He says, "Well, I am not supposed to say anything, but I like you. It looks to me as if it is still there." Can you say emotional?  I about lost it..... We asked, what do you mean? He said that it looks like there is still a back up of blood or maybe there is another? We were so shocked, we were speechless.....

Fast forward an hour or 2 later.....the ER doc comes in and tells us the b/w and urine look great, white and red counts fine....so no concern w/ infection. He tells us that a urologist reviewed the u/s and 'things look fine', it just appears that things are settling from the surgery and that DH needs to take it easy for a few more days. I asked if the urologist is coming to talk to us? The ER doc said, no, he looked at the u/s and thinks it's okay...that they are going to check in w/ our doc's on-call doc and will be back.... I said, "he is on vacay remember - there is not an on-call person".....the ER doc was snotty, like "he has to have one, everyone does, don't worry - we'll find out." He comes back about 20min later and says "Well, it is very odd and not the norm, but he doesn't have anyone on-call for him. I double checked w/ the urologist here and we're going to give you a pain med and motrin for the inflammation."

We are such skeptics now which does not help....but there are a few things we found odd. First, the list of malpractice suits against this doc (we've done more research the past few days), that the tech said he thought he saw a varicocele, that the tech thought the incision was higher than usual, that a urologist was supposed to come and talk to us and then (after the u/s) does not, that the ER doc's attitude changed drastically.  It just made us leery of really what did they see? what did they think? I surely, SURELY hope and pray that if there was anything life threatening, they would have spoke up.  I wonder if they would tell us if otherwise, if something was 'botched' in some way.

DH took the rest of the week off of work to heal and recoup. Today, he called and is feeling much better. We are still unsure of our next step. We talked last night about requesting copies of the u/s pre/post-surgery and going to another urologist for yet a 3rd opinion. I am worried though that another urologist will not want to "get involved" especially if he knows this doc's litigation record.

Why are things ALWAYS so difficult for us???? Not the way I had envisioned starting the new year! Blah!

2009 ~ Jaded

2010-01-02T23:22:00.004-05:00

I have been off work the past 2 weeks and LOVING every minute of it. I am usually a work-a-holic. That's just my nature. It's okay though, I do love my job. I lead programs that help families help their infants/toddlers get the help they need if they have a disability or developmental delay. It is rewarding but there is always so much going on, so much to do. I am absolutely grateful for this low-key time spent with my DH, family and friends.

Of course, much of this time DH spent recovering. Therefore, the IF crap was at the forefront of my mind. I did a lot of thinking about how fast 2009 went...really, most of the year is a blur. Although we made a HUGE decision and tried to move forward by putting our house for sale, we did not make much progress on our TTC adventure until the past few months with the discovery of the varicocele. The other highlight of the year was celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in June. It is sad to think about. We are another year older, spent the last year of the decade floundering and still, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms. Blah!

I have spent the past few weeks catching up on reading blogs that I follow and discovering new IF-related ones. Also, I have been talking to some of my friends who have dealt/or dealing with IF and have picked up a feeling in these conversations. Jaded. Infertility, infertility, INFERTILITY, i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y.....has left us jaded!

Jaded about relationships, friendships, hope, happiness, the future, the past, pregnancy, after pregnancy, trying to conceive... You name it, I bet infertility has affected it in some way. I am living with IF now and all that comes with it. I HATE it. I thought, if we are ever able to cross the fence, living after IF would be easier. I am sure in many ways, it will be, but I am also coming to realize that in some ways, I am changed ~ forever.

So long 2009... I am looking forward to a new year, a new approach and the same dream! Happy New Year to all! May 2010 bring you health, hope and happiness!

"Better Appreciate"

2009-12-20T10:23:00.004-05:00

DH's varicocele surgery was 2 days ago (Friday, 12/18). We were in and out in less than 3 hours. The doctor said the surgery went perfectly. DH will have a SA in 3 months and we will go from there. The incision is higher than we thought it would be...he was VERY happy about that! Still, he was very sore. He is feeling better this morning, so hoping that trend continues.

Last night, we were watching yet another movie and DH was moving around to get comfortable. He said, "You know, if we ever have kids, they better appreciate all we have went through to have them." I laughed and said, "And I think we will appreciate them more for all we have went through to have them."

Moments

2009-12-13T12:54:00.003-05:00

We had the follow-up urology appointment on 11/23. The doc confirmed the varicocele and scheduled surgery for this Friday, 12/18. We will wait 3 months and do SA to determine if surgery helps DH's counts. If it does not help, the urologist will prescribe clomid for him. Trying to stay optimistic....but honestly, it is difficult.

My co-worker told me a few weeks ago she is preggo. Of course, they were not *trying* and she told me she felt bad telling me her news. I HATE awkward moments like that. You know, truly, I am happy for them. They do not take their fertility for granted. They had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and it took them *awhile* (about 1 year - which I'm sure felt like FOREVER to them....) to get pregnant again. They have a little one who just turned 1 year a few months ago. Anyways, I do not want people to feel bad telling me about their joy. I was pretty honest with her and tried to explain my feelings about it. I am not sure how much she believed me that I can be happy for her even though it is tearing me up on the inside. We have not talked about it since.

An odd, ironic situation happened for DH. He has problems with lower back pain and sees an orthopedic doctor. Well, he started seeing a new doc a few months ago at the same center and had an appointment on Friday. They were discussing an upcoming procedure and DH told the doc about his varicocele surgery. I guess the doc asked some questions and DH gave him the short story of our IF. The doc asked who our RE is and DH told him. The doc said, "Well, he is the reason I have two little girls." DH teared up and they continued a more detailed conversation of our journey.

We definitely need these moments to remind us that there is a plan for us.

Waiting, again.

2009-11-12T08:16:00.002-05:00

We were not able to move up the follow-up appointment with the urologist. It is scheduled for 11/23. So until then, more waiting.

We have been talking about surgery to repair the varicoceles. We do not know for sure yet if this will be an option or recommended but if it is, we will definitely go this route. However, we will probably wait (there is that word again! :o) until the week before Christmas due to DH's work schedule and available time off. It will give him the longest period of recoup time before having to return to work.

We have had a couple of more calls on the house and a showing. Still, waiting. Our county continues to have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.....so it is no surprise the housing market is not really moving. There has been one home sold in our town in the past year or more. We are discussing options and probably will be doing some re-evaluation of them this weekend.

I just wish something was easy for us and went our way easily, just once.

U/S results and a realization

2009-11-08T15:04:00.008-05:00

DH had the u/s yesterday. It looks like there is a varicocele on each side. The tech said she has seen worse, but thinks DH's is pretty bad. Not sure what it all means yet...

The follow-up urology appointment is a few weeks out. However, I am going to try to move it up to this week. Now, we are anxious to learn our options.

************

On a related note, my parents visited this weekend. At breakfast yesterday, we were discussing the u/s appointment. It was amazing to see how comfortable my DH was discussing his *parts* with them and amusing watching my dad cringe at my DH's description of a varicocele repair!

Wow, it is crazy how far we have come on this journey! There is no shame in this game! :)

Learning more...

2009-10-29T20:35:00.005-04:00

We had the "2nd opinion appt" with a urologist on Tuesday.

First things first, he does not feel like DH needs to be concerned with prostate cancer right now. He did a brief check of his prostate, no concerns. Even though there is family history (his dad and dad's dad), he thinks waiting until 40yrs is an appropriate measure and DH's concerns of *possible symptoms* are related to caffeine intake. So, whew!

We discussed IF and our journey thus far. He asked DH to stand up while we talked and he would tell us why later. He reviewed DH's previous test results (SA's, hormones, etc.) and asked if he had been checked. We explained yes, but it was very brief and that's why we are here....for a 2nd opinion. Listened to a few IF stories of past patients and then he did a physical exam. He asked if we had heard of a varicocele? I think I shouted, YES! He explained it a bit and told me to "come here". DH in all his glory is standing there (poor guy! I told him later, now you know what I've been through ;-) and the doc shows us how to check for it and what he feels is a varicocele. He goes on to say that he had DH stand because it would be easier to feel the varicocele because it would bulge like a varicose vein. That the back-up of blood causes the testes to "over heat" therefore impacting sperm production, quality, etc.

He ordered an u/s of the area to confirm the mass is a varicocele. Then, he can do a minor surgery to repair it. He is VERY supportive of clomid for men and said he would be willing to prescribe immediately after the fix or if we wanted to wait and see if the procedure improves DH's counts on its own before starting the clomid - it is our decision. He cautioned us that there are no guarantees that either will work.

Needless to say, we left there with mixed emotions. Ecstatic at what we learned but pissed off that the previous urologist did not detect it AND our RE recommended us to him because he was supposed to be *the best*. And icing on the cake is that when I called the 1st urologist last month to ask about Clomid - they told me the doc didn't really deal w/ MFI and that they would refer us to Dr. B (our RE). It sucks that it feels like infertility is this *big $$ business* that some times doctors forget or don't care that couples are often dealing with so many other facets of their life that are affected by IF. And then when things like this happen (that this was missed or maybe, it wasn't there last year), we've become such skeptics it feels like you've been betrayed.

Nevertheless, I am thankful the "c" word is NOT in our immediate future/concern. I am thankful that we may have found a cause for MFI and the urologist said no worries about Kleinfelters, Turners or "any others". I am glad DH is getting to experience some of the "bear all moments" and procedures. Most of all, I am hopeful that the u/s next week will confirm the varicocele and we can move forward!

Next appt...

2009-10-25T19:30:00.004-04:00

We have the urologist appointment on Tuesday this week to discuss MFI, SA, etc. This doc is local and deals more with MFI so we are hoping for some direction. On a related note, we are going to find out if DH should be tested for prostate cancer. His dad was diagnosed in August and had his prostate removed last month. They have talked about the symptoms and DH's current health and we have some concern that maybe the MFI is related?? Not sure, but definitely, we want to have the conversation.

Nervous, anxious, hopeful ~ for some thing.

"What Faith Can Do"

2009-10-12T17:38:00.009-04:00

Found that song I heard the other day... Dealing with infertility has challenged me on so many levels, especially, my faith. This song spoke to my heart. I needed it the other day. I need it today.

The glimmer faded.

2009-10-08T19:28:00.002-04:00

Well, today was GREAT in many ways: received news of a contract extension, received news of a brand new contract award, passed an audit and, MOST importantly, DH cooked dinner! Yay! Love that guy!

Bad news. Just received word back from the (stupid) people who made the offer that their original offer *stands*. UGH! We came down 4K and they stand by their offer of about 10% less than our last appraisal?? Um, no thanks.

So, we wait. We will wait and see what comes our way next.

On my way home today, I had the radio off for awhile just trying to clear my mind of all the business of the day. I turned it on about 1/2 way home and my radio was on a local Christian station that I have on my preset...I forgot I was listening to it this morning on the way in. This song I've never heard was just coming on and it spoke to my heart. I love when things like that happen. At that very moment, that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! Now, I need to find the artist/CD and listen to that song every day! :-)

No news, yet.

2009-10-06T19:58:00.002-04:00

Notta, nothing, zilch! It hasn't been quite 24 hours yet (still have about 7 minutes :-)

Don't they know I am not a patient person! My patience tapped out a long time ago!!!

Waiting, of course.

UGH!

A glimmer of hope

2009-10-05T20:37:00.005-04:00

Guess what?! Sue, your vibes are working! Thank you, hun!

We got an offer today! Not a wow, OMG, get all excited kind of offer, but nonetheless, it IS an offer! That is my 1/2-full-kind of attitude. DH was not too happy with it though...

We countered tonight. Not getting too excited, just going with it. Another twist in this roller coaster of my life!

Keeping Busy

2009-10-04T17:01:00.002-04:00

I have been so busy with work again the past few weeks that I cannot believe it is October! I expect it will be this way for quite some time. The good news, it keeps my mind busy with work-related things and not dwelling on baby-making things!

I went to my obgyn appt earlier this week to talk about clomid for DH. He was unable to go with me which bothered me, but turned out better I think because my doc was very open with our conversation and asked questions that she may not have if he was sitting there. Bottom line, she said that she is not comfortable prescribing clomid for him and not monitoring him just in case he had some side effects or something. Fair enough. She asked me if he has seen a urologist ~ and I explained that yes, but the urologist doesn't address male fertility. She asked if I had heard of this other doc ~ no, I had not. She asked if I was interested in visiting with him? Sure, he's local. She called his office right then, asked if they were taking new patients and gave me his contact info. Talked it over with DH afterwards and we just need to call and schedule an appt now. It will be one more step, one more appointment to look forward too.

Nothing new on selling the house. We lowered the list price by 6K last week and have not had a single call. UGH! Each day, I go back and forth on if we should sell.... Could we stick it out here, live this tightly and not seek more treatment for a few years? Some days, I think we could. Other days, no way! Yesterday, I was thinking maybe. Today, I am thinking nope! I imagine this is what bipolar must feel like! LOL

Broke my heart.

2009-09-16T20:04:00.003-04:00

My BIL is in a new serious relationship and his g/f has a young daughter. Last night, he posted new pics on FB of them at the beach, circus and fair. In some of the pictures, he looks like my DH especially at a quick glance. My heart hurt. My eyes filled with tears.

It is supposed to be us! We have been together for 10 years! We have been trying to have a child for 5 years!!!!!

We are not that close to his family. So, we have not met the g/f or daughter, yet. Truthfully, I do not know if I want to. I do not know if I could keep my emotions in check. All of his siblings have children now (or in his case, have a child in his life).

It is only September and I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. We have vacation time we need to use.... Maybe, we will conveniently schedule some get-a-aways over the holidays and skip'em this year.

IF in the news

2009-09-13T13:35:00.005-04:00

This column was in the NY Times on Thursday. I am glad it was shared. I wish more was publicized and discussed about IF and the challenges couples, and men and women in general, face when dealing with IF.

However, once I started reading the comments posted, I remembered why people choose not to share. I remember why most of us in the IF blog-world or on boards choose to stay underground and deal with our grief in a private or semi-anonymous way. I am amazed at the judgement people pass on others when they may or may not understand that person's struggles.

Thank you, Shelagh, and all of my fellow IF bloggers for sharing your stories. Just know, for those of us that can relate, it does make a difference. It gives us some sort of peace to know that we are not alone in this.

Congrats, Karla!

2009-08-29T18:46:00.005-04:00

2 posts in one day....I know, it might be a blog faux-paux but I want to send a fabulous shout-out!

A special friend saw her dream of motherhood come true this week. We met a little over a year ago on the forum during our 1st IVF cycles. Neither were successful, but as we IF'ers do, she pushed on in her quest. Some from our cycle group kept in touch and it is amazing at how this difficult journey can bring women together to support and connect with each other. Over a year later, many of us keep in touch. Some have moved to the *other side* and some of us are still struggling. Nevertheless, our friendships have blossomed and grew. This week, Karla joined the ranks of "Mommy" when she and her DH welcomed their baby girl to this world on Thursday.

*******************************

Dear Karla,
Wow, I cannot believe how fast the past 9 months have gone! It seems like yesterday that you were telling us of your crampiness and moodiness. You were all upset because you thought your natural cycle was a bust and then.....you got a BFP! And now, the rest is history!

You have made it hun! You have made it through 9 months of worry, stress and emotions! I am so proud of you! And I am so happy for you and John as you begin this new chapter in your life! You are an amazing woman of strength, courage and inspiration!

Enjoy every second with your baby girl and this very special time in your life! I know you will cherish these memories. Congratulations, Mommy!!!!

Love ya girlie,
Angie

Something to focus on....

2009-08-29T18:32:00.005-04:00

Seems like forever since we have actually *done* anything to deal with IF. We have been in limbo hell for almost a year now. Crazy, how time flies. The clock seems to tick faster these days, too. :-(

DH and I have been talking (of course!) about what we CAN do right now. We decided to investigate clomid for men. (Side note: Ever heard of it? Ever did it? If so, please comment and share your story!) Anyway, I have read posts on the forum about this awhile ago and right now, of course, when I am trying to seek information, there is not much. Regardless, we scheduled an appointment to talk to my Obgyn about the options (or not) with it. She just returned from maternity leave (very fitting, eh?) so it will be about 4 weeks before we see her. Actually, just checked the date, it is 1 month from today exactly! 9/29. So we have one month to gather info and be prepared to discuss this with her. She is a very approachable and reasonable woman, so I think if we can find enough info to support our interest, she will oblige.

In other news, there is no new news on the house-selling front. Yipes! I think I might need to follow through on burying the statue of St. Joseph that my dear friend, Lindsay, gave me a few months ago. Silly me, I thought we would not need it! :-)

what if?

2009-08-15T15:23:00.005-04:00

I spent the past week out of town for work and my mom went along for the ride. Even though I worked during the day, it was nice to spend some 1/1 time with her in the evenings. It does not happen often as we live about 3 hrs away from our hometown. We relished in good shopping and good food.....it was nice to just hang out with her.

More than once during our trip, I found myself making comments about "if" we have kids....then this or that. UGH. It hurt. It hurt then. It hurts now. It hurts to write it. Of course, I had my game face on and did not let on to the hurt.....just rolled my eyes as I said it. IF and treatment was pretty much non-existent in our conversations.

One evening, 2 of my co-workers/friends joined us for dinner. Both who know more than the average person about our situation. One who cried with me on the phone the day after we found out the IVF didn't work. As they were about talking about their kids and this or that about babies (both have children under 9mos), I felt overly-sensitive by the conversation. It bothers me that I felt this way. Usually, our conversations revolve around work, spouses and their children. But this time, it felt awkward, almost hurtful. Not that they were intending to hurt me, just me hurting, longing for what they have.

Just got me thinking, what *if* I don't?

IF sucks. IF and all of the crap that goes with it sucks.

Rational

2009-08-02T16:39:00.011-04:00

DH and I have talked, talked and talked this weekend about our situation...I am quite happy he was in a talkative mood (do you find your DH's have some good talkative days and some not so good, too ;-) I REALLY needed that. We have decided to be rational about our situation and move forward with selling the house. We rejected the offer from this week because it was almost 13% less than our asking price...we did not counter because we felt we were too far away on $$. So....we will hang tight, and see what happens. We are cautiously optimistic. We had another call and scheduled another showing for tomorrow evening. (Fingers crossed, please!)

Lurked around some more today on new blogs (to me) and my desire to go straight to CCRM is only cemented. In my head, it's like monopoly, I keep thinking, "Do not pass go. Go straight to CO!" It will be an exciting day when we are able to make that trip...

Today, I was thinking about my niece. She is the youngest grandchild on my side of our family and she turned 7yrs last week. I wonder if my parents gave any thought this week as to when they may have a new grandchild? I know, I did. I had tons of cousins growing up and I have so many good memories. I always expected that for my children, too. Not so sure if that will be the case. Most of our siblings have kids now except my newly married sis and DH's bro who is now in a newly-serious relationship with someone who has a daughter from a previous relationship. DH mentioned the other day he wonders about his bro's fertility.....only time will tell, I guess.

Confused

2009-08-01T09:25:00.009-04:00

That is me right now. There are so many unknowns swirling around me.....I am dizzy.

Work has been incredibly busy for me the past few months....which has been good because it has kept my mind off other things and I've stayed away from the blogs and forum....but work has slowed now AND I am feeling an urgency to catch up on the IF world....

We listed our house 4 sale in April - only a few calls and 1 offer (which then fell through) until a few wks ago.... Now, we have had 3 showings in the past 2 weeks and an offer yesterday. Should be good news - but now, I am 2nd guessing - should we suck it up and stay put?? Can we swing the $$ and extend ourselves with a huge loan for shared-risk IVF cycle? Wait, not can we, because we can - but SHOULD we? Is it responsible? It seems things (the recession) is getting better - my job and DH's are secure.

What have others done? Have you threw it all in to have it all?

I had been thinking, we sell the house (the materialistic) and then we would have lots of breathing room with $$. Also, we had the opportunity to move to STL. Well, the opportunity has passed for now. So, if we sell, then we end up staying in the same area and without our nice home.

Am I being selfish???

It feels that way at some moments, but also I feel like we deserve it, too. We have worked so hard to be where we are....

Spent some time lurking yesterday ~ and wow, I have missed so much. There are so many IF bloggers who are now pregnant....which adds to my anxiety and desire to jump in now....not to mention, my b-day was last week....3-3. Seriously? and no babies/children? Never dreamt of this story.

p.s. Oh, previous posts DR pics - we went on vacay to the Dominican Republic in June for our 5th wedding anniversary! Sorry....I was using the blog to share pics with some friends who knew about it....didn't think to explain *DR*! :-)

DR prof pics!

2009-07-08T20:52:00.014-04:00

DR vacay pics!

2009-07-08T19:26:00.009-04:00

Linz - inspired by U! ;-)

Where we've been...

2009-07-04T12:31:00.012-04:00

They say, "A picture is worth a 1,000 words." Here are a few pictures to note what we have been up to the past few months.

Change of Latitude (and Attitude ;-) in the DR
Celebrating our 5th Wedding Anniversary

Planning and celebrating my parents' 25th wedding anniversary!

Enjoying the 4th of July in Daytona Beach!

Where did April go?

2009-05-01T19:58:00.004-04:00

BUSY time - I have been MIA for over a month. I have dropped in now and then - but really just lurking. Life has been busy.

I found out the last week in March that a HUGE proposal for work was successful and it means major expansion for my department - to St. Louis (STL). I have been working like crazy on the new project and my normal job. Been traveling back and forth. In the midst of this, we have the opportunity to move to STL and I could lead the new project implementation.

Also, we had been coming to terms with our situation during the winter months. After our failed cycles last year, we knew to take our next "baby" steps - we needed to sell our house. So here we are. The house is "for sale". It is a huge burden lifted off our shoulders to know that we have made this decision and took this step.

The next BIG decision will be once the house sells - do we stay here? Or move to STL? I have a strong desire to move but it may all depend on timing. The project implementation date is 7/1; however, we are hiring people this month. My boss has given me a Memorial Day timeline to decide. I have a feeling May is going to be a roller coaster of emotions.

Looking forward to catching up with everyone! Happy May Day!

Responsible or Carefree?

2009-03-23T19:16:00.003-04:00

I have been all over the place with my emotions lately and not had the words to say how I feel. The simple words to describe how I felt are: speechless. hopeless. darkness. confused. sad. Just plain sad. I have tried to disconnect to help myself, but it has not made it better. Honestly, I am in the flux of limbo and I am tired of it.

For awhile, I have been thinking about talking to a professional - counselor or therapist - someone experienced with IF. It is difficult to find someone in small-town America who fills this criteria - so I sought out online options. I found a few sites of professionals who deal with IF. One site really touched my heart. The lady does fertility and life coaching and facilitates fertility group tele-coaching sessions. I participated last week. The coaching session was the 3rd in a series of Support for Mind/Spirit/Body on the Fertility journey. We talked about tuning into, listening and taking care of our bodies. Preparing our bodies to receive our future child(ren). It was nice to participate in a session and connect with other women who are dealing with IF struggles.

The session left me needing more. Needing more time to talk about me. Me, myself and I. So, I had a follow-up call with the coach this past weekend. It was really good. A breaking point for me in our conversation was when she asked me to "close my eyes and what do you see?" (I was listening to beach music, so I was immediately there). She asked what I saw - the water, the sand, people - families, adults, kids. She asked what was missing - my family, my children.... She asked, what else? - I paused, the sun - the SUN was missing from my day dream. How can there be a beach with no sun? :-( We kept talking....

We talked about many things but the most important, my take-away for the conversation was:

"Responsibility can be carefree and carefree can be responsible."

Lately, I have found myself drowning in responsibility in many ways. To hear this, to realize this, to be told this ~ is just what I needed to hear. I have a strong desire to live carefree (or at the very least, *feel* carefree). I am working on ways to live this combo ~ responsible & carefree. I am taking my first steps in this direction and focusing on ME.

p.s. I am sure I have missed A LOT in blogland the past few weeks. I cannot wait to catch up! :-)

Tagged!

2009-02-28T09:46:00.024-05:00

Joining blogland a few months ago was a huge step for me to connect with others dealing with IF and support each other on our journies. It is definitely something missing IRL for me. I am constantly amazed at how I can open my blogroll and have the feeling that I could have wrote those words at some point or another. I am forever grateful to have this outlet.

I have been "tagged" to share 10 Honest things about myself .I usually shy away from these types of things (get-to-know you emails, tags, etc.) but I am actually excited to have this opportunity, too! It has been great learning more about everyone else who has done this so far. Thanks Momsoon and A Good Egg!!

First, here are the rules:
1) Choose at least 7 blogs you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Link to these blogs and leave them a comment that they were tagged! The image above is your official award!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So, I'm tagging the following blogs:
What to Expect When You're Not Expecting
Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood
The Infertility Journey to Motherhood
Our Life in a Nut Chell
Hopes, Dreams, and the in between
Adventures in Baby Making
Confessions of Infertile Myrtle

In no particular order, here are my 10 honest scraps!

1. Before I started my job 10 years ago working with children birth-3years, I was terrified of newborns! And ironically enough, now I just cannot wait to hold my own!

2. Since my teens, I have had reoccuring *bad dreams* about seeing an airplane crash (various situations, places, etc. ). I am never in the plane, just a witness. (anyone a psychologist?)

3. I am not sure domestic adoption is something I am interested in. I am terrified the child or the birth parent will want to reconnect one day - I do not think my heart could handle it. :-(

4. My bio-dad was killed in an auto-accident before I was 1-year-old....and I have never had contact with his family. My mom and I have NEVER talked about it. My aunt and I did, one time. For the most part, I am okay with it.....but sometimes, I wonder WHY? Why wouldn't his family want to know me?

5. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship with a jerk from high school.....in fact, we were engaged near the end of college (he proposed on vacation ~ how do you say "let me think about it" or "no" while on vacation???) ~ THANK GOD things happened that made me realize I had the strength to break-away..... Have never looked back ~ I was really stupid back then.

6. I always wanted to be an attorney ~ somedays, I wish I would have followed that dream.

7. For the past few years, I have wanted to get my MBA....but I have chosen to put that aside and focus on our TTC journey. (We cannot afford to do both at the same time!)

8. DH and I lived together for 5 years before we were married.

9. I have really not cared about my weight for the past 5 years or so because I *thought* I would be pg soon and it wouldn't matter......now, I totally regret this and hope to find a consistent workout routine, SOON!

10. I need a *change of scenery* ~ I love my job, but I want to move somewhere different!

Catching Up

2009-02-21T16:44:00.009-05:00

I have been MIA this week busy with work. I have spent most of today catching up on the boards and blogs. There is so much going on!

There is something in the air with my friends that I've met on the boards. One of them had a beta of 137 yesterday! One had a few +HPTs (her beta is tomorrow). And another one's beta is tomorrow and her signs sound promising, too! She has stayed away from POASing. So, please keep these girls in your thoughts!

On the blogs, there is a lot of action, too. Many are starting cycles or in their 2ww! It is crazy how fast things seem to go. I am hopeful that some day soon, we will get to join in the action!

In other good news, we are now a little more secure! Since we had several thousand $$ of medical expenses last year, our federal tax refund is several thousand dollars and posted to our account this morning! YAHOO! Now, how to spend it???

*We have talked about immediately going full force with another single cycle. (but we REALLY want to do a shared-risk plan)

*We have dreamt about going to the islands tomorrow.

We have reasoned that we should probably save it as a nest egg until we figure out what the future holds for us.

*Are we going to lose an income? (DH's job is a bit uncertain with the economy)

*Are we going to be able to sell our house?

*Are we going to relocate?

So many questions - no answers. Not yet. While we wait, I will try to step back and savor the small joys in my life! (Thanks, Retro Girl!)

A Service Fee...

2009-02-13T11:15:00.004-05:00

Yep, that's what our clinic said.

"It is not a discount, nor a kickback, it is a service fee."

Yeah, whatever.

Their explanation is that their administrator and C One has an arrangement. Since C One pays so timely and the funds are EFT into the clinic's account, the clinic's administrator has made this agreement that C One keeps 5% off the top. It is a "service fee" for their timely and immediate EFT payment.

No patient advocate. DH called yesterday and spoke to the financial person first. Then, he says, let me put my wife on the phone so you can explain it to her. I was probably the rudest person I have ever been in my life (I am sure it did not help that I was PMS-ing and AF arrived this morning). And she gave me that lame explanation.

It really is not about the money because we knew what the IVF package price was and agreed to pay it. It is the fact that they are doing this without disclosing this practice to their customers. It is TOTALLY wrong and unethical, IMO.

I told her, "I cannot believe you have not been sued over this!"

She said, "Really? Why? I guess I don't understand what you mean?"

I said, "We signed documents saying that C One would pay XXXXXX to Dr. XXXXX. We agreed to make payments to them for this amount. And now, we find out that you did not actually receive that amount from C One? What isn't clear here?"

She kept going back to "it's an arrangement that our administrator and C One has made". She assured me, "that this arrangement is so that the patient is not burdened with making sure the payment is to us and you still receive your treatment."

So.....I do not know if we are going to pursue anything else. Maybe, a letter to our RE just expressing our concern about this practice. It just does not leave a good impression of their so-called patient-friendly care when you find out after the fact that they have an "under-the-counter deal" with the financing company, you know?

Scam?

2009-02-06T17:04:00.006-05:00

We requested our 2008 statement from our clinic a few weeks ago for taxes. It was THE MOST CONFUSING document I have EVER seen! Now, I think they do that on purpose. It was not in any type of order...you know, by date, service, payments vs. charges, etc.....notta, nothing.

So, as we tried to figure out how our payments were credited (loan $ vs. OOP $ vs. insurance $ for lap surgery) VS. clinic charges - we used the totals at the bottom - that are divided by responsible party charges, credits, balance. I figured we could handle that, wrong! DH insisted we meet with them in person to understand the bill because from what we could tell, we were overcharged about $900.

Well, that meeting was this morning. And guess what? According to their records, they did not overcharge us. HOWEVER, they did give our lender for the loan (Capi.tal O.ne Heal.thcare) a 5% kickback for "paying so quickly" - and (wait, it gets better!) guess who paid the 5% kickback??? We did!!!!!!!!!! WTF????????

C One basically took 5% of the total loan amount right off the top - and then sent the balance to our clinic. So, not only are we paying them interest (a significant amount I might add), they got an additional 5% of the total loan for "paying so quickly". DH and I are pissed!

We did not discuss it until we got to the parking lot because I don't think it really "sunk in" what she said.....but the more we talked, the more it made sense.

Has anyone heard of such a thing? Has anyone used C One?

The only thing we can think of is that the clinic might offer a 5% cash discount - however, IMO, they should be giving that to us as the customer, not the lender. It is our credit, our money, etc.

Impatient!

2009-02-02T13:49:00.008-05:00

That is one word that describes me, period. I know this. I have accepted this. I am trying to work on it. But it is eating at me.....especially the past few days. The future is uncertain in a lot of ways for us and I am stressing about it.

Since our failed IVF, we knew we would need to make some financial decisions to cycle again. The first of which would be to sell our house. We need the equity out of our house to pay off our IVF loan and other debt to get to a point where we are debt free. We are in the process of preparing our house to put it on the market.

After the house sells, we are not sure what will happen.....we are not *tied down* here. We have no family here. We moved here almost 7 years ago for job opportunities and to grow our wings, so to speak. And now, here we are. I feel like we are at a crossroads.

We have contemplated moving to a mandated state and taking new jobs. In fact, DH made a few contacts last fall. Last week, one of the companies laid off thousands of people. So, it looks like that may be a different story now.

I may have an opportunity with my current company for advancement with an expansion project that would require us to move to another state. It is in a mandated state. Although my benefits would remain the same, if DH got a job with IF benefits that would work out perfectly. My company is waiting to hear about this....we will have to go through a negotiation phase, but this would be ready to implement July 1st. With the economy, DH is worried that he might have difficulty finding a job, let alone one with IF benefits.

If we stay in the area, we would keep our current jobs. We make a decent living. After some serious number crunching this weekend, we are pretty sure we would be able to afford IVF again once we sell our house and pay off our other debt. Actually, we could do shared-risk and maybe even afford CCRM OOP. (Although, the more I research, the more I am not so sure this is what I want to do. That is another story for another day....anyways...)

But a small part of me, (well, maybe a part of me that is growing larger every day) wants to move. I want a change. A change of scenery and of people. I am bored here. DH thinks once we have a child, that will change. But what if we do not have a child? Or it takes 2 more years? Or 5 more years?

I would joke with DH and my family that if our IVF cycle did not work - we were moving to the islands. Today, I found myself looking up apartment rentals in USVI. I need something to change.

What I am obsessing over is this: is moving worth the risk of losing the financial/career/benefit stability that we have? Our income is good, we have longevity at our jobs, we have 3/4 wks of vacation, retirement benefits, etc...... But is this what life is about? Is it worth it, if we are not happy? Can I wait any longer? Do I have the patience to see it through?

Year One.

2009-01-30T22:21:00.011-05:00

I made this a few days ago and finally figured out how to make it bigger as a picture in my layout. But I also want to *journal* this for my historical sake, so I am making a post. (I had never thought of this as my own place in history until I just wrote that.....Hmmmm......maybe, I should make it more interesting! LOL :-) Okay, on with my thoughts.

We began the official journey with treatment last Dec/Jan. It has *officially* been (gulp) 1 year. This wordle represents our 1st year of IF treatment.

Now, on with Year Two.

Planning ahead.

2009-01-29T09:02:00.007-05:00

This week has been busy with work. But my mind is wandering. Is there anything else we should be doing or taking to help with our *issues* while we are on this break from treatment? I have mild endo and DH has low counts and morph. Our next step will more than likely be another IVF cycle. (Unless, there is huge improvement in DH's SA).

For now, I am taking a prenatal, calcium and DHA supplements. Also, royal jelly with bee pollen. DH is taking a multi-vitamin and recently started Fertil.eAid. I wonder if this is enough?

I am off work until Monday. This will give me some time and I plan to read-up on all of the latest suggestions. It has been awhile since I have done research on this, so if anyone has any suggestions, please share!

UPDATE: Thanks for the suggestions!

Erica, WELCOME to the IF blog world! It is not a great place to be, but it makes it better knowing that you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story.....I look forward to reading more about your journey.

Mamasoon, no, our RE did not recommend the Fertile.Aid ~ while we are on this break, we decided to give it a try. And, I thought DHA is an omega 3?? Also, I take flax seed ~ forgot that one!

Emily, I am interested in the supplement your RE recommended ~ I'm going to check that out. Also, I did accupuncture during our cycle with a guy who specializes in infertility AP ~ LOVED it. But he is 3hrs away..... : (

Retro Girl, I have heard about the Fertility Diet before, I'm going to check into that, too.

While I'm Waiting...

2009-01-25T17:56:00.007-05:00

The past year brought a lot of frustration, dark days, and challenges. It was the beginning of our journey through infertility. However, the past year also brought the beginning of a new, more important journey. The beginning of our journey to serve the Lord.

As a couple dealing with IF, we often find ourselves questioning our faith, our purpose and God's plan. It is so hard. I have read many posts from IF bloggers who have experienced similar questions and thoughts in their journeys. I can always relate.

So, I want to share this song with the IF blogosphere. I first heard this song last month in our service for Advent. It brought a raw, emotional response from me and my DH during that service as we were thinking about our situation. Since then, it has become my daily prayer. I want to live my life in a way that glorifies God. And while I wait, I want to serve Him.

As I searched for a link to share this, someone created a video dedicated to those of us facing IF. IMHO, appropriately. So, I have posted that version below. Enjoy!

p.s. Remember to "pause" the volume on the music player at the bottom of the page! :-)

My View: Then and Now

2009-01-21T16:49:00.005-05:00

Whew, what a week. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I cannot believe I never thought about that paper or my writing of it this past year or so while we have been contemplating our future. Thanks to those of you who commented on my discovery and to answer the question a few of you asked....

My views on Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights have not changed since writing that paper. Perhaps, may be a little stronger. I believe once the bio-parents sign their rights over - the adoption is a DONE deal. I have thoughts about when that should be done, who has a say, etc. but the short version is: the adoptive parents' rights and emotions need protection, too. I have a few friends who have adopted domestically. Each encountered emotional turmoil because of bio-parents indeciveness and no one should have to endure such. I am not judging the bio-parents and I cannot imagine making the decision to give my baby up for adoption. However, I feel, once the decision has been made....it needs to be that way for all parties involved.

Is it Friday, yet?

Coincidence?

2009-01-17T21:09:00.009-05:00

In prep of *officially* making life changes and taking our next steps toward IF treatment, we are preparing to sell our house. Today, I was going through old boxes that we have not opened since moving here 5 years ago. I came across some old school work. Since college is 10 years in my rear view, I decided it was time to purge.

A few things caught my eye, like a junior high collage. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and sort it (what to keep, what to trash, what to shred). Thankfully, my "what to keep pile" isn't too large......but what I came across is *BIG* and has got me thinking.....

My high school research paper. Topic: Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights. I TOTALLY had forgot about this! You may remember back in the early 90's, it was a *hot topic*. There were several court cases and many in the national media. I have always wanted to work with children. So even back in high school, I was interested in the topic. But today, seeing this, it brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach. Ironic? Coincidence? Is this the path our life will lead? Is this the path I have been destined to lead?

DH said one word, "Weird." Maybe, I will ask him more tomorrow. I am scared.

Dreaming of warmer days...

2009-01-16T09:46:00.012-05:00

It is officially C-O-L-D! It is -19 degrees. And that is the air temp, not even the wind chill! To make me feel better, I browsed some of our pics from the islands last year....in case it's cold where you are, thought I'd share them with you!

Trunk Bay, St. John, USVI

Cruz Bay, St. John, USVI

Today was an exciting day! (not IF related!)

2009-01-10T17:03:00.011-05:00

Today will go down as one of the most exciting days of my life. It was a first for me. A first for us. Today, N and I helped with the annual "Food Drop" at our church. Through a special drive, a Christmas Offering, the church purchased food and personal care items from Feed the Children (FTC).

The church assembled the boxes a few months ago. The church packed the boxes last month at the local FTC warehouse. And today, the church bought the boxes (over 6,000!), unloaded them from 8 FTC semis throughout the community, and delivered them to 20 community agencies and 13 neighborhoods. In some areas, people went door-to-door to deliver the items. This event alone will serve over 3,000 families.

I am inspired by the generousity of our church. Our community has been hit hard by the economic down-turn. Our county has the highest unemployment rate in our state. However, over 2,000 people arrived by 9am on a Saturday morning in heavy snow to serve God and our community. It is amazing to be a small part of such a wonderful group of people who care for others and are working to bring "up there, down here".

I'll close with this verse my pastor posted on his blog this afternoon:

2 Corinthians 8:2-5 - Although they were going through hard times and were very poor, they were glad to give generously. They gave as much as they could afford and even more, simply because they wanted to. They even asked and begged us to let them have the joy of giving their money for God's people. And they did more than we had hoped.

every corner, every turn

2009-01-08T22:16:00.007-05:00

Faith. I have it. Trying to keep it. But when days like today happen, it makes me ponder the universe and, ultimately, makes me ask God why? What are you trying to tell me? What is your plan for my life? Waiting. Waiting. No answer - patience comes to mind - I try. I am really, really trying to have patience.

Just this week, N and I have made some big financial decisions. Last night, we went to our monthly communion service. Letting go of our burdens, leaving with a *clean slate* was the message. I was there. I left worship feeling at peace and renewed. We went to dinner afterwards, and had a really good talk. I love my husband. I was in such a good place last night, and this morning.

Then, today - SHATTERED...

After a meeting this afternoon, a co-worker (I'm her boss) asks to talk to me - she tells me she is pregnant! She just found out this morning and it was a "shock" - they were not "expecting" it - she doesn't know what to do - she will be considered high-risk because of her age - she doesn't want to tell anyone yet - she is 43 years old! She wanted me to know because she isn't sure what will happen. She feels terrible because of "your situation" (that would be MY IF situation - my staff know we are having trouble, seeking tx with a specialist, but no details). And this is child #4 or 5......she has a 6yr old (who was an "accident", and her other kids are in their 20's. She married VERY young.....)

Then, no less than 2hrs later, I was driving with a co-worker (different person - again, I'm her boss) and her son calls (who's wife is expecting) and they found out the gender today - a girl! Then, I get to talk about names, due dates, u/s, etc. for the next hour.....

What in the world? Why is this being thrown in my face? Every corner, every turn, IF is there.

I am not upset with these people for the joys and events in their life. In the gut-wrenching moment, I'm able to smile and congratulate them, and mean it. I am happy for their happiness. But dang, it hurts. It hurts not to have that kind of news. I feel like I take 10 steps back in my quest to be at peace with our situation. We are on a long road and I know it will not be easy. I need to find the strength to deal with it and the faith to leave it to God, always. Believe in His plan. Let Him burden this pain, this hurt.

Maybe, tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow will be a better day.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

2009-01-01T17:39:00.016-05:00

After a few busy weeks with the holidays, I'm glad to be at home with just me and N. I've been "unplugged" a lot, just trying to enjoy the moment and stay away from my obsessive googling on IF treatment, stories, etc. However, the past few days, I've enjoyed catching up on the holiday blog posts....it's nice to remember we are not alone in our emotions and struggles with IF.

Christmas reflection...
We spent a week visiting our families out of town. Mostly my family, but we did see his family on Christmas Day. Busy day, lots of children. Loved it. Saddened by it. Inspired by it. Laughed at it. Cried about it. Seriously, how can all of those emotions show up on one day? All in all, it was a good day. Then, we went with my parents on a weekend get-a-way. The guys spent time outdoors riding 4-wheelers and hunting while enjoying the unseasonable weather. My mom and I spent time shopping and hanging out. It was nice. I'm glad we spent the extra time with them.

2008 reflection...
Although we end 2008 with hope for the new year, it was a tough year for us. Thinking back, it was a whirlwind. Almost surreal. It seems like the year literally flew by....like in warp speed. The highlights surround our TTC journey. January started with a bunch of tests as a result of our initial RE appt. February brought MFI diagnosis. March was a lap surgery with endo diagnosis and removal of a tubal cyst. We started our 1st IVF cycle in April and finished it in May. June brought the darkest days of my life. (Even as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears.......) We took a much needed mental health vacay in July. We finally had our post-IVF appt with RE in August and spent the rest of the month discussing what we would do next. We decided to go for an IUI. Started that in September and finished it in October. November and December, we spent thinking, dreaming, and planning our next steps toward becoming parents....

There are other 2008 highlights that I must capture...

~N and I found a church home. We went to our first service there in November, and haven't looked back. We are discovering our faith and next steps toward Christ.

~My youngest sister bought her first house in March, graduated from college in May, passed her boards for nursing in July, and was married in December! It was a great year for her. I am very proud of her and all that she has accomplished.

~And, we will have a new President in 19 days...I am very proud of our country!

And now, Happy New Year....it is 2009...
I am not quite sure what the year holds for us. However, I am finding comfort and peace that it is in God's hands. He will continue to lead us on this journey. We will continue to seek Him and discover our faith. My hope for the new year is that I can keep a positive outlook on our situation and recognize the blessings in our life. I do not want to be bitter and angry. I do not want to fall into the negativity and hopelessness that can so easily consume you when dealing with IF.

Our goal this year is to take our next steps toward becoming parents. Whatever way that may be. Right now, it seems that another IVF cycle is that way. We have decided that we only want to do another IVF cycle at CCRM. If we can do that, it will be a successful year.

Life Uncommon

2008-12-17T20:23:00.005-05:00

This post is dedicated to a dear friend ~ you know who you are! ;-) She recently shared this song with me. It touched my heart. Brought me to tears. I feel compelled to post it here as a reminder to myself of this time and my gratitude for her thoughtfulness. It is an anthem for those of us dealing with IF. As my sweet friend told me, this song is "really perfect for what we face with IF...worry, fear, and ultimately the desire for freedom from these things."

She is so right.

I have been fortunate enough to "meet" several women dealing with IF in cyberspace. It's easy to "talk" to and connect with people who get it. Who understand where you're at, where you've been, and sometimes, where you're going. I am blessed to have some dear friends all because of our journeys with IF.

If you are dealing with IF, listen to this song. Listen to these words. As we lead this "Life Uncommon", let us be free.

Thank you for sharing this with me, my friend.

p.s. before you play this song, be sure to "click" pause on the music player at the bottom to turn off that music! :-)

UPDATE 1/4/09: Because I think these words are so true and I do not want to *loose* them ~ I am moving the lyrics from the sidebar on my blog to this post as I am reorganzing my blog layout.

Life Uncommon - Jewel

Dont worry mother

Itll be alright

And dont worry sister

Say your prayers and sleep tight

And itll be fine

Lover of mine

Itll be just fine

And lend your voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend your strength

To that which you wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And you shall lead

A life uncommon

Ive heard your anguish

Ive heard your hearts cry out

We are tired, we are weary

But we arent worn out

Set down your chains

Until only faith remains

Set down your chains

And lend your voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend your strength

To that which you wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead

A life uncommon

There are plenty of people

Who pray for peace

But if praying were enough

It wouldve come to be

Let your words enslave no one

And the heavens will hush themselves

To hear our voices ring our clear

With sounds of freedom

Sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers

Move out of the way

There is a new army coming

And we are armed with faith

To live, we must give

To live

And lend our voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend our strength

To that which we wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead...

And lend our voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend our strength

To that which we wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead

A life uncommon

Sulking Sunday.

2008-12-14T18:15:00.004-05:00

So, with all of my wondering/thinking/stressing the past few days, I was really looking forward to our church service today. We have only been attending this particular church for a few months now, but honestly, I have felt more at peace the past few months, than the past few years. I was hoping to find a message and that peace today.

Here is how our morning started: we went to the early service at church - today was the children's performances. Within 2 minutes of us sitting down, the guy next to me says, "So do you guys have kids up there today?" Me: my voice cracking, "No." End of conversation. Then, an awkward silence....and I could feel DH's arm dig into my side.....DANG! WTH? I know he was probably just trying to start a conversation, but how about the weather? Did he realize it was freezing rain and frigid cold? Did I look like a crazed-mom waiting to take pics? N-O. We purposefully sat toward the back, away from all of the goo-goo-gaa-gaa of the children and crazed parents trying to get the perfect picture. Seriously!?!??

It is so hard. I do not want to live in a bubble. I do not want to live in a world that revolves around IF.

It is hard not to feel isolated. It is hard not to isolate myself. However, at times, it is easier than dealing with the emotions or with other people who have no idea.

Goal #1: CCRM in 2009

2008-12-13T20:16:00.008-05:00

It's weird lately. A few weeks ago, I could almost go a day without feeling sad about our situation. I felt like I was in such a tolerant and accepting place. Today, that tolerance is long gone! Like I said yesterday, IF/baby/tx/ next steps are ALWAYS on my mind!

So, today, we talked more about "what can we do?" DH will be off work the next 3 weeks involuntarily (ugh ~ like our financial situation isn't tough enough already?). He will put the finishing touches on our basement and straighten up some of the cluttered rooms. I agreed to help with a "thorough" cleaning of the house. He would like to clean the windows - I think it's a little cold here for that - it might have to wait until the spring. But then, we think we will go ahead and pursue selling our house, now.

The one thing we both agreed on today is that we both want to pursue our next tx at CCRM. They are the best. So whatever it takes, we want to be cared for by the best. We have read so much lately about their procedures, and have heard of such wonderful work that they are doing. We feel that to go through an IVF cycle again, and if we were to do it somewhere else and it fail, we would always wonder - what if? So, we want to avoid that at all cost. We will do whatever it takes to get to CCRM; our goal, within the next year.

Standing still.

2008-12-12T23:05:00.010-05:00

This has been on my mind all day - What can we do? what should we do? what limits will we go to? The most obvious question for us right now, today, is financially - what is it worth? And how do we get there? If I had all money in the world, I'd trade it for our bio-child. (Does that sound awful??) I'm not trying to put a price on our baby. I just feel "stuck" right now - stuck in this place between decisions, between treatments.....I'm not a very patient person. (Very much a "planner" and self-admittingly, Type A). I've actually been in a "good" place the past month or so. In fact, I've put on my happy face and dealt with many preggo women, new babies and pregnancy announcements. In my staff alone at work, we're going on #4 in 2.5 years - and I feel I've dealt with it - in person - with grace. (No one but DH knows the real story ;-) But I feel the pressure, the waiting, the longing for our child growing more and more each day. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. At times, I'm mad.

I just wish $ was no object, because then it would all be more simple. There would be a plan and we would pursue it. Life could feel like it was moving, instead of standing still.

My heart melted tonight.

2008-12-01T20:39:00.005-05:00

Well, I realized tonight that the past few days probably hasn't just been hard on me.....my better-half, (or other-half as he would say), my dear/darling/dashing husband (N) said something "out of the blue" that made me think. Made me think about his feelings. You know, as most men have trouble talking about their feelings, I think the same is true about my husband and his thoughts on IF. Don't get me wrong, we've came a long way, baby. But he's still a guy, and guys do not prefer to talk/share their feelings as openly as us girls do.

Tonight, N was getting out Christmas decorations and I was cleaning up from dinner. And I came into the living room and he says, "Hey, I have a thought. A good idea for our family tradition......" The rest of the words did not matter.....that sentence melted my heart.

That simple expression from him got me thinking....when this IF road seems so lonely, frustrating and heartbreaking, I need to remember the man beside me. The man who is struggling just as much as I am. I need to remember to be sensitive to his needs and be his supportive rock, just as he is mine.

Oh sweet, darling husband, how I hope and pray that we will be starting those traditions sooner, rather than later or not at all.

Limbo Land

2008-11-30T20:49:00.006-05:00

It's weird to be in this place of "Limbo Land" - it's the place in between IF treatments - where you really don't know where you're going next.....you only know where you've been. Treatment or thinking of a plan is never far from my mind. But we are not in a position to do anything about it, so I'm trying to let it go for now. Some days are easier than others. Some moments are easier than others. But after a LONG weekend of family, babies and children......today is hard.

Looking forward to this week...

2008-11-23T19:54:00.007-05:00

We live about 3 hours away from our families...so, this week will give us lots of "family time" as we are traveling there on Tuesday afternoon. Sometimes, family time is hard because of the obvious....we do not have kids and everyone else does, or everyone is hoping that we will soon but it has almost become something that we don't talk about.....sometimes, this is harder. Anyway, I'm actually looking forward to this week. My youngest sister is getting married 2wks from yesterday, so I'll be around to help with all of the finishing details...can't wait! I hope my focus on the wedding plans leaves no room for negativity about our situation. I really want to put it aside for the holidays and be thankful for our blessings.

Speaking of focus, that reminds me of the message at church today. Focus. Focus on small interventions that can lead to big impact (Focus + SI = BI this was the pastor's visual). I wonder if that can apply to IF? Yet to be determined...

Been awhile....

2008-11-22T17:17:00.007-05:00

It has been awhile since I created this blog....thought about it today, and thought it was time to update here and make this a worthwhile venture. Many of the girls on the Forum have blogs and I have found inspiration and hope while reading their stories. I can only imagine it helps the soul to share your thoughts and write about your experiences. This is my goal. Today, I will add a link from my forum profile and "officially" begin this journey into the world of blogging.

First, an update on Us....September brought a month of choices. What would or could we do next? Our path led to an IUI cycle. We completed b2b IUIs on 10/12 & 10/13, AF arrived on 10/29.

Of course, we had a back-up plan. (Probably my most noteable trait - I am a planner!) The plan was: If IUI was not successful, we would move to IL, a mandated state ("mandated state" means there are state laws that require companies who offer pregancy insurance benefits to offer IF coverage, too. What a concept!?!? There are loopholes, such as religious organizations, and if there headquarters are not in IL, etc. But STILL, what a benefit to couples!). Anyways, our first step to moving was selling our home. We consulted with a few realtors and found out that we should expect a 30% decrease from our last appraisal - WTH???? Needless to say, moving plans, well, ALL plans (including IF tx), are on hold. On hold - indefinitely. We lack the $ to fund any treatments, we do not have any insurance coverage, and we cannot afford another monthly payment.

While in "Limbo Land", I've stayed connected on the Fertility Forum. I found tremendous support there before, during and, certainly, after our cycle. Some of our "Ladies of May" (women going through cycles in May) reconnected this fall and I am amazed at the connection we've made. It is wonderful to have friends who can relate to IF challenges - and along the way, relate to many other life experiences, too. These girls have truly been a blessing in my life the past few months!

So, what's my plan now? To Love, To Breathe, To Live, and To Blog!

There is Always a First...

2008-08-30T21:02:00.005-04:00

Right? 1st smile, 1st laugh, 1st word, 1st step....skip a few years....1st kiss, 1st love....you get the point…..

All are milestones on this journey we call "Life". Life is a journey, and we are along for the ride. The ups and downs, twists and turns, bumps in the road….WAIT, craters in the road…..and then, you pass another milestone.Well, I consider this a milestone. This is my 1st post! My 1st adventure into blogging.....I need an outlet, WE need an outlet. A new way to share our feelings with no judgment, no speaking, just a safe place share.So, what's our story? Here's a short version...We met in 1999 and had the time of our lives! We married in 2004 and decided a family was in our near future. So, we threw away the pill packs and waited for the big surprise! Well, months went by.....no worries, it will happen, we thought. Skip to summer 2006, MD (doctor) says we could do a SA (semen analysis). Really, you think? So, DH (Darling Husband) and I talked, and decided we would. More information is better, right? Usually...well the MD's office called and said the results were "1". Naive, stupid, and clueless to the test and the results, I'm like Really? The nurse says, "Well, I usually don't discuss these results, but the MD isn't here, but yes, it says 1." I can still here her voice, her sentence, her matter-of-fact way of telling me "One". DH and I were SHOCKED....how? why? what in the world? Well, that was it for a while. We didn't need more information, we just needed time. Time to think. Time to absorb. We took a little over a year to take our next step. Winter 2007, we made our 1st appt with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). In prep, we did another SA. He reviewed the results, 7 million......how the heck? He looked back at the 1st SA, and said it was ONE MILLION ~ now, it's 7 MILLION. Okay, we can deal with this. What's next, doc?Well, if you know about IF (Infertility) issues, then you know 1M still isn't that good. In fact, it's almost as bad as ONE. And while 7M is much better (like, 7x better!), it is still pretty sucky. But at least, at the very least, it's higher, much higher, and we have something to work with.Winter 07 - 08: lots of tests, blood work, urologist appts, GI appts, lap......and here's our DX (diagnosis) = severe oligospermia (male factor) and mild endometriosis. Recommended TX (treatment) = IVF with ICSI (In-Vitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection).

In March 08, we decided to move forward with our 1st IVF Cycle. So, there were 1st ultrasound, 1st shots, 1st acupuncture appt…..all milestones. We had ER/ET (egg retrieval/embryo transfer) in late May, and found out on 6/10 that it did not work. We had passed 2 milestones in one: completion of our 1st cycle AND our 1st failed cycle.

We took the summer to grieve and regroup. In the light of the bright, sunny days, there were many dark, very dark days. Questioning life, our faith, our purpose and asking a million times, Why? WHY? Why us? Why them? And, why not us?

In the past, I’ve always been the positive person; you know, the glass is always half-full, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and YES – I, WE can do anything, accomplish anything, if we just work hard and put forth the effort. Well, this past year has taught me that you can put forth every ounce of energy and emotion, and life still may not turn out the way we want. It’s crazy, it’s real, it’s almost surreal at times, but it’s life, it’s our life. I find hope knowing that our journey is part of a bigger plan…..I just hope that I have the patience to see it through.

Looking back, the time from our 1st RE appt to now has flew by. I think, maybe we should have took things a little slower. But, in the heat of making those decisions, we had our eye on the next milestone, having our baby. In our subconscious, I’m sure our drive to do this cycle now, and get things moving, seemed that we would reach that milestone much more quickly. Well, it wasn’t meant to be, not yet.

It is almost the 1st of September 2008. We are contemplating our next decisions that involve: moving, procedures, jobs, house, financial. No answers just yet, we’re still gathering information. Talking. Thinking. Dreaming.

It is the dream of conceiving our 1st child that makes this journey all worthwhile.

OUR TTC JOURNEY...

2nd ultrasound

1st ultrasound

Apprehensive

Beta #2

Beta #1

POAS

Over the line?

ET - 5dt

CD 20 update

IVF #3 - officially underway!

9 months later...

The day arrived.

Bring on 2011

Fertilization update

Fertilization Limbo

ER Update - Dec 20th

CD 11 Update

CD 9 update

IVF #2 underway!

CD 1 (a little late)

It figures...

1 week to go

Finally, good news!

Welcome ICLW!

Big decision!

Good news

CD 13 ~ + OPK

CD 1 ~ Clomid cycle

AMH Results

2 years later & P4

RE Consult

June-July Re-cap, more bad news.

Moving Forward, Etc.

Monday's update

Roller Coaster of a Week

Next Step

Varicocele Post-Surgery *Story*

2009 ~ Jaded

"Better Appreciate"

Moments

Waiting, again.

U/S results and a realization

Learning more...

Next appt...

"What Faith Can Do"

The glimmer faded.

No news, yet.

A glimmer of hope

Keeping Busy

Broke my heart.

IF in the news

More questions, no more answers.

Congrats, Karla!

Something to focus on....

what if?

Rational

Confused

DR prof pics!

DR vacay pics!

Where we've been...

Where did April go?

Responsible or Carefree?

Tagged!

Catching Up

A Service Fee...

Scam?

Impatient!

Year One.

Planning ahead.

While I'm Waiting...

My View: Then and Now

Coincidence?

Dreaming of warmer days...

Today was an exciting day! (not IF related!)

every corner, every turn

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

Life Uncommon

Sulking Sunday.

Goal #1: CCRM in 2009

Varicocele Post-Surgery Story