2009 ~ Jaded

I have been off work the past 2 weeks and LOVING every minute of it. I am usually a work-a-holic. That's just my nature. It's okay though, I do love my job. I lead programs that help families help their infants/toddlers get the help they need if they have a disability or developmental delay. It is rewarding but there is always so much going on, so much to do. I am absolutely grateful for this low-key time spent with my DH, family and friends.

Of course, much of this time DH spent recovering. Therefore, the IF crap was at the forefront of my mind. I did a lot of thinking about how fast 2009 went...really, most of the year is a blur. Although we made a HUGE decision and tried to move forward by putting our house for sale, we did not make much progress on our TTC adventure until the past few months with the discovery of the varicocele. The other highlight of the year was celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in June. It is sad to think about. We are another year older, spent the last year of the decade floundering and still, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms. Blah!

I have spent the past few weeks catching up on reading blogs that I follow and discovering new IF-related ones. Also, I have been talking to some of my friends who have dealt/or dealing with IF and have picked up a feeling in these conversations. Jaded. Infertility, infertility, INFERTILITY, i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y.....has left us jaded!

Jaded about relationships, friendships, hope, happiness, the future, the past, pregnancy, after pregnancy, trying to conceive... You name it, I bet infertility has affected it in some way. I am living with IF now and all that comes with it. I HATE it. I thought, if we are ever able to cross the fence, living after IF would be easier. I am sure in many ways, it will be, but I am also coming to realize that in some ways, I am changed ~ forever.

So long 2009... I am looking forward to a new year, a new approach and the same dream! Happy New Year to all! May 2010 bring you health, hope and happiness!

"Better Appreciate"

DH's varicocele surgery was 2 days ago (Friday, 12/18). We were in and out in less than 3 hours. The doctor said the surgery went perfectly. DH will have a SA in 3 months and we will go from there. The incision is higher than we thought it would be...he was VERY happy about that! Still, he was very sore. He is feeling better this morning, so hoping that trend continues.

Last night, we were watching yet another movie and DH was moving around to get comfortable. He said, "You know, if we ever have kids, they better appreciate all we have went through to have them." I laughed and said, "And I think we will appreciate them more for all we have went through to have them."

Moments

We had the follow-up urology appointment on 11/23. The doc confirmed the varicocele and scheduled surgery for this Friday, 12/18. We will wait 3 months and do SA to determine if surgery helps DH's counts. If it does not help, the urologist will prescribe clomid for him. Trying to stay optimistic....but honestly, it is difficult.

My co-worker told me a few weeks ago she is preggo. Of course, they were not *trying* and she told me she felt bad telling me her news. I HATE awkward moments like that. You know, truly, I am happy for them. They do not take their fertility for granted. They had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and it took them *awhile* (about 1 year - which I'm sure felt like FOREVER to them....) to get pregnant again. They have a little one who just turned 1 year a few months ago. Anyways, I do not want people to feel bad telling me about their joy. I was pretty honest with her and tried to explain my feelings about it. I am not sure how much she believed me that I can be happy for her even though it is tearing me up on the inside. We have not talked about it since.

An odd, ironic situation happened for DH. He has problems with lower back pain and sees an orthopedic doctor. Well, he started seeing a new doc a few months ago at the same center and had an appointment on Friday. They were discussing an upcoming procedure and DH told the doc about his varicocele surgery. I guess the doc asked some questions and DH gave him the short story of our IF. The doc asked who our RE is and DH told him. The doc said, "Well, he is the reason I have two little girls." DH teared up and they continued a more detailed conversation of our journey.

We definitely need these moments to remind us that there is a plan for us.

Waiting, again.

We were not able to move up the follow-up appointment with the urologist. It is scheduled for 11/23. So until then, more waiting.

We have been talking about surgery to repair the varicoceles. We do not know for sure yet if this will be an option or recommended but if it is, we will definitely go this route. However, we will probably wait (there is that word again! :o) until the week before Christmas due to DH's work schedule and available time off. It will give him the longest period of recoup time before having to return to work.

We have had a couple of more calls on the house and a showing. Still, waiting. Our county continues to have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.....so it is no surprise the housing market is not really moving. There has been one home sold in our town in the past year or more. We are discussing options and probably will be doing some re-evaluation of them this weekend.

I just wish something was easy for us and went our way easily, just once.

U/S results and a realization

DH had the u/s yesterday. It looks like there is a varicocele on each side. The tech said she has seen worse, but thinks DH's is pretty bad. Not sure what it all means yet...

The follow-up urology appointment is a few weeks out. However, I am going to try to move it up to this week. Now, we are anxious to learn our options.

************

On a related note, my parents visited this weekend. At breakfast yesterday, we were discussing the u/s appointment. It was amazing to see how comfortable my DH was discussing his *parts* with them and amusing watching my dad cringe at my DH's description of a varicocele repair!

Wow, it is crazy how far we have come on this journey! There is no shame in this game! :)