Broke my heart.

My BIL is in a new serious relationship and his g/f has a young daughter. Last night, he posted new pics on FB of them at the beach, circus and fair. In some of the pictures, he looks like my DH especially at a quick glance. My heart hurt. My eyes filled with tears.

It is supposed to be us! We have been together for 10 years! We have been trying to have a child for 5 years!!!!!

We are not that close to his family. So, we have not met the g/f or daughter, yet. Truthfully, I do not know if I want to. I do not know if I could keep my emotions in check. All of his siblings have children now (or in his case, have a child in his life).

It is only September and I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. We have vacation time we need to use.... Maybe, we will conveniently schedule some get-a-aways over the holidays and skip'em this year.

IF in the news

This column was in the NY Times on Thursday. I am glad it was shared. I wish more was publicized and discussed about IF and the challenges couples, and men and women in general, face when dealing with IF.

However, once I started reading the comments posted, I remembered why people choose not to share. I remember why most of us in the IF blog-world or on boards choose to stay underground and deal with our grief in a private or semi-anonymous way. I am amazed at the judgement people pass on others when they may or may not understand that person's struggles.

Thank you, Shelagh, and all of my fellow IF bloggers for sharing your stories. Just know, for those of us that can relate, it does make a difference. It gives us some sort of peace to know that we are not alone in this.

More questions, no more answers.

This week, I have found out the urologists do things differently. Not sure why, but obviously, they do. On the forum, I chatted with some girls dealing with MFI and their DHs' urologist prescribed clomid to help increase counts.

My DH saw a urologist in the midst of all of our blood tests, work-ups, etc. pre-IVF. Our RE recommended it and the urologist. It was a very "brief" physical exam and then, we followed up with our RE. They discussed the urologist's opinion and said there were no structural concerns. End of story - proceed with IVF.

Well, after learning of other's experiences and really not knowing exactly what my DH's urologist checked/or didn't check - I decided to do some homework. I called his office yesterday and asked a few questions.

First, he does not specialize in fertility-related issues. (Oh, really? Wondering why we were sent to this guy? He was supposed to be "so great" according to our RE's office.)

If he has a patient with fertility concerns, he refers them on to a specialist - usually, our RE. (Oh, how convenient.)

I tell her about my conversations with some other women who's DH's have MFI and ask, he doesn't prescribe or offer clomid to men? The nurse says no, that would be dealt with the RE. (Oh, wonderful.)

So, what exactly did/does he check during our brief visit and his exam? Structure? Varicoceles? The nurse asks me to hold a few minutes while she reviews my DH's chart. (Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo)

She returns to tell me it looks like structurally, all was good. No varicoceles. The urologist did not recommend any follow-up tests. Just to follow what the RE recommends.

Well, our RE recommended IVF w/ ICSI. BUT.....we did not try anything else. Nothing was offered. Nothing was discussed. What if we would like to try clomid? Just to see.....(because those pills are darn cheap!) DH wants to wait and talk to my Obgyn before we call our RE. I agree, so we will wait a few more weeks.

On a side note, my FIL (56yrs old) was diagnosed with progressive prostate cancer last month. He had surgery this past week that removed his prostate. He is doing well. FIL and DH talked about it and they think he (my DH) should be checked out now as there is a family history. FIL wonders if maybe there is something there related to MFI..... So, I brought this up to the urologist's nurse at the end of our conversation. The urologist was out yesterday but she is going to have him review DH's chart and call us next week.

We have more questions and no more answers, so frustrated. And I am so emotional today.

Congrats, Karla!

2 posts in one day....I know, it might be a blog faux-paux but I want to send a fabulous shout-out!

A special friend saw her dream of motherhood come true this week. We met a little over a year ago on the forum during our 1st IVF cycles. Neither were successful, but as we IF'ers do, she pushed on in her quest. Some from our cycle group kept in touch and it is amazing at how this difficult journey can bring women together to support and connect with each other. Over a year later, many of us keep in touch. Some have moved to the *other side* and some of us are still struggling. Nevertheless, our friendships have blossomed and grew. This week, Karla joined the ranks of "Mommy" when she and her DH welcomed their baby girl to this world on Thursday.

*******************************

Dear Karla,
Wow, I cannot believe how fast the past 9 months have gone! It seems like yesterday that you were telling us of your crampiness and moodiness. You were all upset because you thought your natural cycle was a bust and then.....you got a BFP! And now, the rest is history!

You have made it hun! You have made it through 9 months of worry, stress and emotions! I am so proud of you! And I am so happy for you and John as you begin this new chapter in your life! You are an amazing woman of strength, courage and inspiration!

Enjoy every second with your baby girl and this very special time in your life! I know you will cherish these memories. Congratulations, Mommy!!!!

Love ya girlie,
Angie

Something to focus on....

Seems like forever since we have actually *done* anything to deal with IF. We have been in limbo hell for almost a year now. Crazy, how time flies. The clock seems to tick faster these days, too. :-(

DH and I have been talking (of course!) about what we CAN do right now. We decided to investigate clomid for men. (Side note: Ever heard of it? Ever did it? If so, please comment and share your story!) Anyway, I have read posts on the forum about this awhile ago and right now, of course, when I am trying to seek information, there is not much. Regardless, we scheduled an appointment to talk to my Obgyn about the options (or not) with it. She just returned from maternity leave (very fitting, eh?) so it will be about 4 weeks before we see her. Actually, just checked the date, it is 1 month from today exactly! 9/29. So we have one month to gather info and be prepared to discuss this with her. She is a very approachable and reasonable woman, so I think if we can find enough info to support our interest, she will oblige.

In other news, there is no new news on the house-selling front. Yipes! I think I might need to follow through on burying the statue of St. Joseph that my dear friend, Lindsay, gave me a few months ago. Silly me, I thought we would not need it! :-)