Apprehensive

That's how I feel about Friday's ultrasound. It sucks. I'm trying to be in the moment but quite frankly, I can't. I won't what if either because where's that going to get me? More apprehension and nervousness. Ugh. Bad week for my acupuncturist to be on vacay!

And to add to my already emotional state, I think I hurt my mom's feelings tonight. She asked what time my u/s is on Friday and I told her 10a. She proceeded to say that she was thinking about coming up for it. I paused and said I had thought about that too but hadn't mentioned it to DH yet. I said, I didnt know, I'm just really guarded about this because it could be bad. She replied with, that's ok, I won't. We kinda talked over each other with me saying, no, let me think about it and her saying its ok. I finally said, do you have the day off? And she said no, but I was going to take the day. Ugh. So when I get home, I mentioned it to DH who thinks its weird and agrees, what if its not good news?

I hate hurting her feelings and I feel like I did. I hate this feeling, like I've let her down because God knows she's been our biggest cheerleader. I asked DH about it again a few minutes ago and he doesn't care either way but I don't know if I should just leave it be or ask her...why is everything so complicated?

I cannot wait for Friday to be over so we have more info about what our future holds.

Beta #2

Finally home from holiday traveling...

My 2nd beta was last Friday, December 23rd.  At 10dp5dt it was 166!  That isn't exactly "double" but it increased by 94% from Wed.  {THANK YOU Rebecca for sharing that this was a possibility and totally normal because I was better prepared and didn't freak out!}  When my nurse called, she said it was "perfect" and didn't skip a beat. 

Next step, I have an ultrasound next Friday, January 6, 2012!

Beta #1

Since our current RE and fertility center is out of state, we are coordinating bloodwork with our previous clinic/old RE that is "local" (still 90min each way but closer than 12 hrs :)

Well, I found out both offices will be closed on Sat. So if/when my beta would be positive, I would have to wait until next week for round 2. Not exactly thrilled. So I talked to my nurse about the positive hpt's and she agreed to move my beta to yesterday.

So....beta #1 at 8dp5dt = 88.9

I know it's early but I was/am a little worried. I can't explain it other than its close to my beta # (77) on my natural BFP that ended shortly after with a miscarriage. I was secretly hoping this beta would just blow that # away and push the worry away. Instead, we are here. Hoping and praying for a good doubling beta on Friday. And scared to death.

It's weird. We've both been pretty quiet the past few days in anticipation of the results. You would think we'd be jumping and screaming from the rooftops. I guess it's the reality of infertility and this journey we are on.

For today, it's a victory and we will continue to take it one day at a time and remain cautiously optimistic.

POAS

I couldn't wait.  I had a feeling.

(It's hard to tell in this picture but the 2nd line on the middle one is darker than the first test.)

1st - 12/18/11 5dp5dt
2nd and 3rd - 12/19/11 6dp5dt (the digital one came up at exactly 1 minute!)

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!  Not telling everyone just yet.  :)

I found out today my RE's office will be closed on Sat and Sun.  So I emailed my nurse asking if they could move my beta to Wed so that I can get both in before Christmas.  I hope they agree.  I need that confirmation that things are on the right track!

****

Rebecca, thank you so much for commenting on my last post.  I TOTALLY agree with you and contemplated today just copying and pasting your reply as my own and sending it to SIL.  I haven't yet.  In light of our good news, I can only hope and pray that it continues.  And I know if I tell her how her post hurt my feelings and was over the line, it will probably hurt her feelings and then there will be this weirdness there.  So....for now, I'm leaving it alone and relishing this excitement and "high" we are on.

Over the line?

Our relationship is complicated with my DH's family.  We live 3 hours away from both of our families but see my family at least every 1-2 months and more frequently depending on birthdays, celebrations, or other special events.  We are lucky to see his family 1-2 each year...no matter what. 

Faceb.ook has been really nice to be able to connect with everyone and stay up to date on what's happening in their lives.  We have a closed family group for DH's family and they post things there every now and then.  Well, one of my SILs took it upon herself to post the DETAILS of our ET last week on the closed group.

At first, I was pissed and now, after a few days, I'm hurt.  Hurt that the info she posted is ours to share, not hers.  It is what I chose to share with her, MIL, and other SIL in a text from me to them.  Not to the rest of the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I haven't told my DH because I know he'll be pissed and this will be one more thing that pushes him away from them.  Here is her post:

My dearest family members:

I don't know how much you all know, but I wanted to share this with you because I know they need all the hope and prayers they can get! You may or may not know that N and A are in XYZ again trying for a baby. They have been there since Thanksgiving weekend. They had 7 embryos growing strong and yesterday they transferred 3 of them. 4 of them didn't make it. They are ranked by condition, 1 being GREAT, 1 being GOOD, and 1 that was a day behind. Now we just hope and pray and hope and pray some more! They get a blood test done next Thursday. We are praying for a Christmas Miracle that the procedure will be successful. They could be there through Christmas or longer if everything stays successful. So continue to hope and pray for them and their little embryos! We love you N & A!

When I read it, I know she had nothing but good intentions to gather more support for us.  But damn, this crap is hard enough without putting this detail out for everyone to read.  I would have NEVER chose to give them that much detail about the embies - she basically copied my text about the embryos.  Most of these people probably have NEVER heard the word "embryo" before, that do not have a clue about IVF, or the process.  I'm sure some of them think we'll have triplets because we transferred 3. 

Anyways, I have been contemplating - do I respond?  to just her?  to everyone?  Let it go?  I've been trying not to think about it because right now is not the time I need worry.  I mean, it is what it is.  It's done.  But I feel like she stepped over the line. 

***

Today is 5dp5dt.  I have been really tired the past few days and just lounged around.  I had twinges off and on yesterday...hoping that means at least one of these embabies is sticking around!