~ 32 weeks ~

Who would've thought?! After all of the years, and tears....WE have made it here, 32 weeks....8 weeks or so from meeting our daughter! It hasn't been without worry and some bumps along the way. I have tried to dig deep and take it day by day. That's the only way to cope sometimes. And just to lean on DH. It was the best way for me to handle the stress and try to enjoy this journey as much as possible! More to update and capture here soon.

12w6d u/s, a fall, and b/w results

Last Wednesday (2/22), I went for my "piece of mind" u/s.  The tech was very thorough and we got to look at the little baby for 20+ minutes.  She gave us a CD with about 5 min of video.  Little One (LO) was bouncing all over and moving his/her arms and legs.  It was such a reassuring visit.  All of LO's measurements were on track and we left on cloud 9!

***

Yesterday, I took our dog to the park while our realtor showed our house.  As I fumbled for my keys and tried not to drop his water or my phone, he got under my feet and I tripped and fell to the ground.  I felt a gush of a discharge.  These days, I swear I could pee every 10 minutes so I wasn't sure if it was urine or something bad.  Panic set-in quickly and I called my DH.  In my melt down, he got the point - I had fell.  He told me to call the OB's office.  I called them and they wanted me to come in to check the heart rate and make sure all was ok.  On the way, I stopped at a gas station bathroom and to my relief, no blood.

The OB used the fetal doppler for a good 3+ minutes, which felt like an ETERNITY, and could not find the baby's HB.  At one point, he thought he did but then wasn't sure.  He couldn't make eye contact with me when he said, "Let's go to the u/s room."  I made brief eye contact with my DH when I was getting off the table and had to bite my lip.

Immediately on the u/s, we could see the baby and he/she was moving around.  LO waved at us once and brought his/her hand up to his/her face.  It melted my heart.  He measured LO's HB at 159.  THANK GOODNESS!  I asked if we needed to be concerned or is everything ok?  The OB said everything is fine with LO and just to "be careful".

***
When the OB first came in (before the doppler), he said that some of my b/w results were back and we need to address some things.  He ran through the results but really, I didn't listen until AFTER the u/s.  Then, we discussed things.

I have Factor V Leiden disorder, a Protein C deficiency, and a Protein S deficiency - which all cause blood clotting issues.  The fix - I start Loven.ox injections today and will continue throughout my pregnancy. 

The OB thinks these are the reasons for my 2 early miscarriages.  He asked about why the 2 REs didn't do this....I don't have an answer.  I remember that I asked about blood clotting issues with our first RE and they dismissed it.  At our RE #2, they just really picked up where #1 left off with treatment.  They didn't have us repeat tests or order new tests.  Maybe because we were 100% OOP and they were trying to save us a buck?  Maybe because we didn't ask for more tests or this b/w panel? 

I don't know...but we are here.  These are the cards we're dealt.  As long as our baby is healthy and in our arms in 6 months, I will joyfully be a pin-cushion until then!

Catching up...

We went for u/s #3 on Jan 27th.  Everything was great and the baby's HB was 174!  That was 9w1d and the baby's measurements had caught up some.

Yesterday, I had my monthly OB check-up and we HEARD the baby's HB!  It was an amazing and almost surreal moment!  The OB said the HB was measuring about 160!  This was 12w4d. 

I go tomorrow for a "piece of mind" u/s, at my request just to be sure everything is on track before we share our news with the world.

***
I was really sick this past week.  It started with flu-like symptoms Sunday, Feb 12.  By that Wed, I had severe head congestion.  My OB's office recommended Sud.a.fed decongestant.  In my 35 years, I've never taken that stuff and I don't think I will for the next 35.  By Thursday night, my heart was racing out of my chest, had chest pain, and pain going down my left arm.  By 6am on Friday, I told DH I needed to go to the ER.  He kinda freaked out because he didn't realize how much pain I was in. 

The hospital ran all sorts of tests and everything was mostly fine.  Because the pain was primarily on my left side and had piercing to my shoulder blade, they were concerned about a blood clot.  Also, one of the blood tests came back that the marker for clotting was "elevated."  This led to lung x-ray and a subsequent CT scan of my chest/lungs.  Everything checked out ok.  After about 6 hours, they released me with a pain med and the theory that it was either the medicine or GI issue (really bad reflux). 

I slept the rest of Friday and thru the night.  By Saturday afternoon, the pain had stopped.  I've continued to deal with the sinus congestion but it's improving each day.  Laying in bed Saturday morning, DH wondered outloud, "Why can't storks just deliver babies so we can skip all of this worry?"  I agreed :o)

*** 
My OB was on vacay this week so I saw a different one in the practice yesterday.  At first, I was frustrated but it turned out to be a blessing.  He offered a different perspective on my history and in light of the events of last week, and the b/w with the elevated marker for a clotting issue, he ordered a full panel work-up.  We had a long discussion of why my REs hadn't ordered this before, and really, I don't have an answer.  My only guess is that since we are 100% OOP for infertility coverage, it was a cost they were sparing us.  Regardless, I'm relieved that we're going down this road now.  For peace of mind for the rest of this pregnancy and for more information for the future.

2nd ultrasound

Thank you to everyone who shared your experiences...it definitely helped ease my fears and anxiety.

After the drama of last week, I was insistent that this week had to be different.  So instead of driving 1-1/2 to our old RE's office for b/w, I settled for the hospital lab.  They could give us the important test (hcg/beta) within a few hours, although the progesterone would take a few days.  I could live with that.  Then, I explained our situation to my obgyn's office who agreed to do the u/s ~ thank goodness!

The u/s tech was fantastic and very patient with all of our questions.  And she shared, they had their daughter on their 3rd IVF attempt.  Love when situations like this happen.  A sign of the future, maybe? 

Well, she showed us 1 baby on the screen with a lovely HB of 135!  My hcg was 14,274 and "wonderful" according to my nurse.  The baby still measured behind according to the ER/conception dates, however, no one (RE nurse, u/s tech, and everyone else who has shared experiences of this :) is worried.  And we are officially "released" from our RE!

So grateful, so relieved, and so hopeful that this is our time!

1st ultrasound

I talked to my mom last night and felt better about my decision to just be me and DH at the appt. She was totally supportive and understanding. Thank goodness for moms :)

A back story that I forgot to capture here was my drama with scheduling the u/s. I waited until this past Tues (Jan 3) to schedule it. I've had this lingering, gut feeling, apprehension. Anyways, I called my local clinic (aka clinic #1 - where we've been patients since 12/07 and completed IVF #1 and a few other monitored cycles) and they tell me they cannot do an outside OB u/s. WTH? Apparently, its an office policy. So after a minor freak out, they assuring me they've helped others in our situation and sent me to an imaging center that does various radiology tests. In addition, I needed b/w, which clinic #1 agreed to do.

So this morning, we go to the imaging center. Right away, I wondering if this is the right decision? Lots of other people there for various other things like mammograms, MRIs etc. Oh well, we were there.

The u/s tech was nice but some of the things she said about IVF and didn't know about calculations worried me. Then the u/s. The measurements she took showed the 1 gestational sac measuring a few days (2-3?) behind. She said she didn't see any other sacs but then commented that she wasn't sure what this "other was" - I called it a spot. I didn't push because all I could think was the worst. She took some other measurements and images and we were done. When she left the room, we lost it. Yep, major meltdown on the u/s table. She met us in the hall and tried to reassure us that she's seen babies make it...she was making it worse. Ugh...get me out of here already.

Before we left the parking lot, I called my nurse at our out of state clinic (clinic #2 - this is our 2nd IVF there). Immediately, she was like what's going on? I asked how far I should be measuring and babbled on about how she saw a sac and its a few days behind. She didn't skip a beat, telling me that its OK, that is perfectly fine. She said the b/w will give us the whole picture. She didn't have that yet but she expected all to be fine and we shouldn't worry. She would call only if it was bad, otherwise, the results would be on my e-record.

Well, our nurse called back about 30min later. Our hearts stopped, I'm sure. She says, I know you were worried so I just wanted to call and tell you the #s are LOVELY so don't worry, everything is fine. She proceeded to offer an u/s next Fri for my peace of mind.

When I hung up, DH and I lost it again. He said WHY did she call?! I think I had a heart attack.

The stats:
Gestational sac measuring 5w4d
Hcg - 3512
P4 - >20

Wow, what an emotional day. I am trying to remain hopeful but there is something in my gut that concerns me. I am worried. I've heard from a few friends today about their experiences and measuring behind...and all turned out fine. I hope and pray that's our situation. We want and need this baby more than anything. Please, please, please...

Apprehensive

That's how I feel about Friday's ultrasound. It sucks. I'm trying to be in the moment but quite frankly, I can't. I won't what if either because where's that going to get me? More apprehension and nervousness. Ugh. Bad week for my acupuncturist to be on vacay!

And to add to my already emotional state, I think I hurt my mom's feelings tonight. She asked what time my u/s is on Friday and I told her 10a. She proceeded to say that she was thinking about coming up for it. I paused and said I had thought about that too but hadn't mentioned it to DH yet. I said, I didnt know, I'm just really guarded about this because it could be bad. She replied with, that's ok, I won't. We kinda talked over each other with me saying, no, let me think about it and her saying its ok. I finally said, do you have the day off? And she said no, but I was going to take the day. Ugh. So when I get home, I mentioned it to DH who thinks its weird and agrees, what if its not good news?

I hate hurting her feelings and I feel like I did. I hate this feeling, like I've let her down because God knows she's been our biggest cheerleader. I asked DH about it again a few minutes ago and he doesn't care either way but I don't know if I should just leave it be or ask her...why is everything so complicated?

I cannot wait for Friday to be over so we have more info about what our future holds.

Beta #2

Finally home from holiday traveling...

My 2nd beta was last Friday, December 23rd.  At 10dp5dt it was 166!  That isn't exactly "double" but it increased by 94% from Wed.  {THANK YOU Rebecca for sharing that this was a possibility and totally normal because I was better prepared and didn't freak out!}  When my nurse called, she said it was "perfect" and didn't skip a beat. 

Next step, I have an ultrasound next Friday, January 6, 2012!

Beta #1

Since our current RE and fertility center is out of state, we are coordinating bloodwork with our previous clinic/old RE that is "local" (still 90min each way but closer than 12 hrs :)

Well, I found out both offices will be closed on Sat. So if/when my beta would be positive, I would have to wait until next week for round 2. Not exactly thrilled. So I talked to my nurse about the positive hpt's and she agreed to move my beta to yesterday.

So....beta #1 at 8dp5dt = 88.9

I know it's early but I was/am a little worried. I can't explain it other than its close to my beta # (77) on my natural BFP that ended shortly after with a miscarriage. I was secretly hoping this beta would just blow that # away and push the worry away. Instead, we are here. Hoping and praying for a good doubling beta on Friday. And scared to death.

It's weird. We've both been pretty quiet the past few days in anticipation of the results. You would think we'd be jumping and screaming from the rooftops. I guess it's the reality of infertility and this journey we are on.

For today, it's a victory and we will continue to take it one day at a time and remain cautiously optimistic.

POAS

I couldn't wait.  I had a feeling.

(It's hard to tell in this picture but the 2nd line on the middle one is darker than the first test.)

1st - 12/18/11 5dp5dt
2nd and 3rd - 12/19/11 6dp5dt (the digital one came up at exactly 1 minute!)

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!  Not telling everyone just yet.  :)

I found out today my RE's office will be closed on Sat and Sun.  So I emailed my nurse asking if they could move my beta to Wed so that I can get both in before Christmas.  I hope they agree.  I need that confirmation that things are on the right track!

****

Rebecca, thank you so much for commenting on my last post.  I TOTALLY agree with you and contemplated today just copying and pasting your reply as my own and sending it to SIL.  I haven't yet.  In light of our good news, I can only hope and pray that it continues.  And I know if I tell her how her post hurt my feelings and was over the line, it will probably hurt her feelings and then there will be this weirdness there.  So....for now, I'm leaving it alone and relishing this excitement and "high" we are on.

Over the line?

Our relationship is complicated with my DH's family.  We live 3 hours away from both of our families but see my family at least every 1-2 months and more frequently depending on birthdays, celebrations, or other special events.  We are lucky to see his family 1-2 each year...no matter what. 

Faceb.ook has been really nice to be able to connect with everyone and stay up to date on what's happening in their lives.  We have a closed family group for DH's family and they post things there every now and then.  Well, one of my SILs took it upon herself to post the DETAILS of our ET last week on the closed group.

At first, I was pissed and now, after a few days, I'm hurt.  Hurt that the info she posted is ours to share, not hers.  It is what I chose to share with her, MIL, and other SIL in a text from me to them.  Not to the rest of the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I haven't told my DH because I know he'll be pissed and this will be one more thing that pushes him away from them.  Here is her post:

My dearest family members:

I don't know how much you all know, but I wanted to share this with you because I know they need all the hope and prayers they can get! You may or may not know that N and A are in XYZ again trying for a baby. They have been there since Thanksgiving weekend. They had 7 embryos growing strong and yesterday they transferred 3 of them. 4 of them didn't make it. They are ranked by condition, 1 being GREAT, 1 being GOOD, and 1 that was a day behind. Now we just hope and pray and hope and pray some more! They get a blood test done next Thursday. We are praying for a Christmas Miracle that the procedure will be successful. They could be there through Christmas or longer if everything stays successful. So continue to hope and pray for them and their little embryos! We love you N & A!

When I read it, I know she had nothing but good intentions to gather more support for us.  But damn, this crap is hard enough without putting this detail out for everyone to read.  I would have NEVER chose to give them that much detail about the embies - she basically copied my text about the embryos.  Most of these people probably have NEVER heard the word "embryo" before, that do not have a clue about IVF, or the process.  I'm sure some of them think we'll have triplets because we transferred 3. 

Anyways, I have been contemplating - do I respond?  to just her?  to everyone?  Let it go?  I've been trying not to think about it because right now is not the time I need worry.  I mean, it is what it is.  It's done.  But I feel like she stepped over the line. 

***

Today is 5dp5dt.  I have been really tired the past few days and just lounged around.  I had twinges off and on yesterday...hoping that means at least one of these embabies is sticking around! 

ET - 5dt

A few days late but I'm trying to capture the moments...

My ET was on Tuesday, Dec 13th.  Anxiety ruled the morning since we hadn't had any updates on our 7 embies since Friday.  I was trying so hard to go with the rule, that no news is good news!  But had a hard time convincing my mind to shut down.

When the RE came in to discuss "the plan", he gave us the long-awaited update.  4 embies didn't make it to day 5.  :(  The 3 growing were: 2 blasts - rated as "great" and "good" and 1 morula (a day behind in development).  I didn't ask for more specifics because I was thrilled that we had made it this far.  My hopes and prayers had been for at least 1 blast to transfer and not only did we have 1 but TWO BLASTS!!!!!  He asked us how many we'd like to transfer.  We asked his thoughts.  He explained that while the morula is a day behind, he's seen morulas become healthy babies.  And he went on to say while there would be a slight chance (<5%) of triplets, he thought we would "cross that bridge" if we came to it.  He recommended to transfer all 3.  We wholeheartedly agreed and transferred the 3 little ones!

My beta is next Thursday, Dec 22nd.  Lots of time to dream, hope and pray!  Snuggle in tight embabies!

CD 20 update

So I've been a slacker posting the details this time around.  Here is a summary thus far:

IVF #3 ~ Nov/Dec 2011 - EPP; acupunture, chinese herbs, DHEA, royal jelly, baby aspirin
10/25/11 ~ CD 3 FSH = 13.4, E2 = 37.9
11/3/11 ~ started Lupron
11/20/11 ~ CD 1
11/22/11 ~ CD 3 FSH = 2.9, E2 = 66
11/22/11 ~ start stims: 300iu gonal f/follistim; 300iu menopur; dexamethasone
12/1/11 ~ start ganirelex e
12/6/11 ~ after 14 days of stims, E2 = 2801; HCG trigger!
12/8/11 ~ ER = 9 eggs!
12/9/11 ~ OMG ~ 7 embryos!
12/13/11 ~ ET 5dt

We are SOOOOOOOOOO relieved that we have embryos growing right now!!!  And we're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED that we have 7!  Yes, SEVEN; S-E-V-E-N!  I need to pinch myself every few minutes.  Is this really happening to us?! 

Please, PLEASE, PLLLEEEAAASSSEEE God, let 1 of those lucky 7 be our baby we've longed for.

IVF #3 - officially underway!

1st lupron shot - done! This cycle has officially started!

It is a different protocol this time. The good - they hope this does the trick. The bad - lots more meds. It is the estrogen priming protocol. I started estrogen pills today, too. I take those and the lupron until AF arrives and then, the party of meds really starts!

Excited. Nervous. Hopeful!

9 months later...

Long time, no write...time flies when you're trying to forget about TTC!

First things first! My beautiful niece (aka Baby C) was born on September 13, 2011. Baby C is adorable and as a friend put it, scrumptious! She is a snuggler, and by all means, this auntie loves to snuggle her! :)

Our little puppy, Rosco, is now 10 months old! He is so full of energy that it's hard to keep up sometimes! Rosco loves to snuggle too and gives too many kisses to count! The sweetest story as of late - I showed him a picture of Baby C on my phone the other day - and he gave her kisses! Love that little guy and oh how he has helped make this year a joy, to say the least!

We've found ourselves more grounded this year than most. It's been kinda funny, who would have thought a puppy would change our pick-up and go, traveling style. Well, he has. For the most part, we hang out at home or visit family where he tags along!

Fun things so far this year...
*DH and I returned to the Dominican Republic in May for 2 glorious weeks of R & R!
*Kenny Chesney in concert!
*Jane's Addiction in concert - twice!

And...embarking on IVF #3 in a few weeks! Eeekkkkkk!

The day arrived.

Last Saturday, my parents made a 3hr trip each way to tell us face-to-face that my youngest sister who is 9 years younger than me is, yep, you guessed it, pregnant. Now, while I would have loved to hold it together, I didn't. And I still can't. Tears fill my eyes as I type this.

I managed to pull it together and apologize profusely and tried to explain.my tears were.happy ears for them and painful tears for us. I even pulled it together enough to go out to dinner. I felt horrible after they left. Although they say they understand, I know they don't really. I know they hurt to see me/us in pain and grief but I want them to be happy. I want to be happy. I am happy for my sis and BIL but hurt so much because of our situation.

In other news, AF arrived this morning (2 days late, which I must admit, secret hope and dreams of going through pregnancy with my sis ensued) and the BRIGHTEST moment of the year so far, we are a few hours away from meeting our new little puppy! We have been patiently waiting for about a year as we researched and prepared. Excited to meet him and hoping he brings joy and much distraction to our lives!

Bring on 2011

To re-cap...we talked to our RE on Wed morning (12/22) when he called to let us know the results of the last egg.  I have been doing lots of reading the past few months on egg and sperm quality.  Tests for sperm are better as they rate sperm by morphology and motility but still there is not full proof way....well, same for eggs.  They rate them by appearance (or as our RE said, "it's a beauty contest") and I obviously didn't win.  Of the 4 eggs - 3 were mature - 2 were rated "poor" and 1 "fair".  He said but even with those ratings, it doesn't mean that they won't fertilize.  He said there is just no way to tell.  Also, he assured us that this doesn't mean that IVF won't work.  He said we should cycle again and they will increase my meds and see what happens.  He thinks we should treat this as a fluke and move forward.  Ugh - easier said than done, right?

Anyway, he was nothing but kind and patient with our questions and thoughts.  I guess, I feel like the bottom line is we have crappy eggs and crappy sperm.  I will be digging deep this next month to continue to find motivation and desire to keep pushing through.  Last week was rough.  This week was better.  In my mind, I know it will be easier with time.  But my heart still hurts and the wound is still fresh.

As a good friend said today, "New Year - New Hope and Possibilities" ~ oh, how right she is.  Although not all of 2010 was terrible, I am ready for a fresh start, for sure.  Bring on 2011 ~ Happy New Year!

Fertilization update

Or lack thereof. Zero eggs fertilized. No embryos. No transfer. We are on our way home. Heartbroken.

Fertilization Limbo

Of my 4 eggs, 3 were mature.  They ICSI'd the 3 eggs and 2 did not fertilize.  The other one - well, they are not sure yet.  It was "uncertain" if fertilization occurred so they wanted to give it another day.  We have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if we may have 1 embryo for transfer. 

Ugh.  This is not what we expected.  Not a good day...

Oh and for the record, I started progesterone support (Crinone) and Estrace this morning...just in case.

ER Update - Dec 20th

They retrieved 4 eggs this morning....not sure about maturity or fertilization, yet. They will call us tomorrow with that information and also let us know if it will be a 3 or 4 day transfer.  The process was a little different than our other RE as they brought DH back for the procedure.  I was already out but it was nice he was there when I woke up.  :)

The nurse who prepped the IV totally missed my vein or something and it was a river of blood running down my arm....glad I'm not squeamish!  Seriously, there was blood everywhere!  I know she was embarrassed when the other tech came in and said something about it....then, she asks me, "Is that always trouble?".  I was like, "Well, no, actually never."  She did not have much else to say.


Anyways, not much else happening, just resting and relaxing.  I slept for about 3hrs when we got back and then we went to Chzcake Factory for dinner!  Hoping and praying for good news tomorrow.....hopefully, we have 4 strong embabies growing!!!

CD 11 Update

Wow, I.am.so.tired.  These meds are kicking my butt!  Last round of stim meds were last night, HCG shot is tonight (in 10 minutes), and ER on Monday at 10am!

Yesterday's #s:
E2 = 1811
P4 = .8
LH = 10.03
follicles = 5 total (3 on the left, 2 on right)

Even though there are still 2 measurable follies on the right, they are slightly smaller than Wed.  My right ovary was smaller yesterday than Wed, too.  What does this mean?  How/why does an ovary get smaller and follies get smaller?  How can this be when we've been pumping my body full of stims for over a week?! 

Anyways, I digress....please, pLeAsE, PLEASE let Monday bring good news about good quality, mature eggs!