Saturday, August 30, 2008

There is Always a First...

Right? 1st smile, 1st laugh, 1st word, 1st step....skip a few years....1st kiss, 1st get the point…..

All are milestones on this journey we call "Life". Life is a journey, and we are along for the ride. The ups and downs, twists and turns, bumps in the road….WAIT, craters in the road…..and then, you pass another milestone.Well, I consider this a milestone. This is my 1st post! My 1st adventure into blogging.....I need an outlet, WE need an outlet. A new way to share our feelings with no judgment, no speaking, just a safe place share.So, what's our story? Here's a short version...We met in 1999 and had the time of our lives! We married in 2004 and decided a family was in our near future. So, we threw away the pill packs and waited for the big surprise! Well, months went worries, it will happen, we thought. Skip to summer 2006, MD (doctor) says we could do a SA (semen analysis). Really, you think? So, DH (Darling Husband) and I talked, and decided we would. More information is better, right? Usually...well the MD's office called and said the results were "1". Naive, stupid, and clueless to the test and the results, I'm like Really? The nurse says, "Well, I usually don't discuss these results, but the MD isn't here, but yes, it says 1." I can still here her voice, her sentence, her matter-of-fact way of telling me "One". DH and I were why? what in the world? Well, that was it for a while. We didn't need more information, we just needed time. Time to think. Time to absorb. We took a little over a year to take our next step. Winter 2007, we made our 1st appt with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). In prep, we did another SA. He reviewed the results, 7 the heck? He looked back at the 1st SA, and said it was ONE MILLION ~ now, it's 7 MILLION. Okay, we can deal with this. What's next, doc?Well, if you know about IF (Infertility) issues, then you know 1M still isn't that good. In fact, it's almost as bad as ONE. And while 7M is much better (like, 7x better!), it is still pretty sucky. But at least, at the very least, it's higher, much higher, and we have something to work with.Winter 07 - 08: lots of tests, blood work, urologist appts, GI appts, lap......and here's our DX (diagnosis) = severe oligospermia (male factor) and mild endometriosis. Recommended TX (treatment) = IVF with ICSI (In-Vitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection).

In March 08, we decided to move forward with our 1st IVF Cycle. So, there were 1st ultrasound, 1st shots, 1st acupuncture appt…..all milestones. We had ER/ET (egg retrieval/embryo transfer) in late May, and found out on 6/10 that it did not work. We had passed 2 milestones in one: completion of our 1st cycle AND our 1st failed cycle.

We took the summer to grieve and regroup. In the light of the bright, sunny days, there were many dark, very dark days. Questioning life, our faith, our purpose and asking a million times, Why? WHY? Why us? Why them? And, why not us?

In the past, I’ve always been the positive person; you know, the glass is always half-full, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and YES – I, WE can do anything, accomplish anything, if we just work hard and put forth the effort. Well, this past year has taught me that you can put forth every ounce of energy and emotion, and life still may not turn out the way we want. It’s crazy, it’s real, it’s almost surreal at times, but it’s life, it’s our life. I find hope knowing that our journey is part of a bigger plan…..I just hope that I have the patience to see it through.

Looking back, the time from our 1st RE appt to now has flew by. I think, maybe we should have took things a little slower. But, in the heat of making those decisions, we had our eye on the next milestone, having our baby. In our subconscious, I’m sure our drive to do this cycle now, and get things moving, seemed that we would reach that milestone much more quickly. Well, it wasn’t meant to be, not yet.

It is almost the 1st of September 2008. We are contemplating our next decisions that involve: moving, procedures, jobs, house, financial. No answers just yet, we’re still gathering information. Talking. Thinking. Dreaming.

It is the dream of conceiving our 1st child that makes this journey all worthwhile.