I have been all over the place with my emotions lately and not had the words to say how I feel. The simple words to describe how I felt are: speechless. hopeless. darkness. confused. sad. Just plain sad. I have tried to disconnect to help myself, but it has not made it better. Honestly, I am in the flux of limbo and I am tired of it.
For awhile, I have been thinking about talking to a professional - counselor or therapist - someone experienced with IF. It is difficult to find someone in small-town America who fills this criteria - so I sought out online options. I found a few sites of professionals who deal with IF. One site really touched my heart. The lady does fertility and life coaching and facilitates fertility group tele-coaching sessions. I participated last week. The coaching session was the 3rd in a series of Support for Mind/Spirit/Body on the Fertility journey. We talked about tuning into, listening and taking care of our bodies. Preparing our bodies to receive our future child(ren). It was nice to participate in a session and connect with other women who are dealing with IF struggles.
The session left me needing more. Needing more time to talk about me. Me, myself and I. So, I had a follow-up call with the coach this past weekend. It was really good. A breaking point for me in our conversation was when she asked me to "close my eyes and what do you see?" (I was listening to beach music, so I was immediately there). She asked what I saw - the water, the sand, people - families, adults, kids. She asked what was missing - my family, my children.... She asked, what else? - I paused, the sun - the SUN was missing from my day dream. How can there be a beach with no sun? :-( We kept talking....
We talked about many things but the most important, my take-away for the conversation was:
"Responsibility can be carefree and carefree can be responsible."
Lately, I have found myself drowning in responsibility in many ways. To hear this, to realize this, to be told this ~ is just what I needed to hear. I have a strong desire to live carefree (or at the very least, *feel* carefree). I am working on ways to live this combo ~ responsible & carefree. I am taking my first steps in this direction and focusing on ME.
p.s. I am sure I have missed A LOT in blogland the past few weeks. I cannot wait to catch up! :-)
Fences and Gates
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