Saturday, February 28, 2009


Joining blogland a few months ago was a huge step for me to connect with others dealing with IF and support each other on our journies. It is definitely something missing IRL for me. I am constantly amazed at how I can open my blogroll and have the feeling that I could have wrote those words at some point or another. I am forever grateful to have this outlet.

I have been "tagged" to share 10 Honest things about myself .I usually shy away from these types of things (get-to-know you emails, tags, etc.) but I am actually excited to have this opportunity, too! It has been great learning more about everyone else who has done this so far. Thanks Momsoon and A Good Egg!!

First, here are the rules:
1) Choose at least 7 blogs you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Link to these blogs and leave them a comment that they were tagged! The image above is your official award!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So, I'm tagging the following blogs:
What to Expect When You're Not Expecting
Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood
The Infertility Journey to Motherhood
Our Life in a Nut Chell
Hopes, Dreams, and the in between
Adventures in Baby Making
Confessions of Infertile Myrtle

In no particular order, here are my 10 honest scraps!

1. Before I started my job 10 years ago working with children birth-3years, I was terrified of newborns! And ironically enough, now I just cannot wait to hold my own!

2. Since my teens, I have had reoccuring *bad dreams* about seeing an airplane crash (various situations, places, etc. ). I am never in the plane, just a witness. (anyone a psychologist?)

3. I am not sure domestic adoption is something I am interested in. I am terrified the child or the birth parent will want to reconnect one day - I do not think my heart could handle it. :-(

4. My bio-dad was killed in an auto-accident before I was 1-year-old....and I have never had contact with his family. My mom and I have NEVER talked about it. My aunt and I did, one time. For the most part, I am okay with it.....but sometimes, I wonder WHY? Why wouldn't his family want to know me?

5. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship with a jerk from high fact, we were engaged near the end of college (he proposed on vacation ~ how do you say "let me think about it" or "no" while on vacation???) ~ THANK GOD things happened that made me realize I had the strength to break-away..... Have never looked back ~ I was really stupid back then.

6. I always wanted to be an attorney ~ somedays, I wish I would have followed that dream.

7. For the past few years, I have wanted to get my MBA....but I have chosen to put that aside and focus on our TTC journey. (We cannot afford to do both at the same time!)

8. DH and I lived together for 5 years before we were married.

9. I have really not cared about my weight for the past 5 years or so because I *thought* I would be pg soon and it wouldn't, I totally regret this and hope to find a consistent workout routine, SOON!

10. I need a *change of scenery* ~ I love my job, but I want to move somewhere different!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Catching Up

I have been MIA this week busy with work. I have spent most of today catching up on the boards and blogs. There is so much going on!

There is something in the air with my friends that I've met on the boards. One of them had a beta of 137 yesterday! One had a few +HPTs (her beta is tomorrow). And another one's beta is tomorrow and her signs sound promising, too! She has stayed away from POASing. So, please keep these girls in your thoughts!

On the blogs, there is a lot of action, too. Many are starting cycles or in their 2ww! It is crazy how fast things seem to go. I am hopeful that some day soon, we will get to join in the action!

In other good news, we are now a little more secure! Since we had several thousand $$ of medical expenses last year, our federal tax refund is several thousand dollars and posted to our account this morning! YAHOO! Now, how to spend it???

*We have talked about immediately going full force with another single cycle. (but we REALLY want to do a shared-risk plan)

*We have dreamt about going to the islands tomorrow.

We have reasoned that we should probably save it as a nest egg until we figure out what the future holds for us.

*Are we going to lose an income? (DH's job is a bit uncertain with the economy)

*Are we going to be able to sell our house?

*Are we going to relocate?

So many questions - no answers. Not yet. While we wait, I will try to step back and savor the small joys in my life! (Thanks, Retro Girl!)

Friday, February 13, 2009

A Service Fee...

Yep, that's what our clinic said.

"It is not a discount, nor a kickback, it is a service fee."

Yeah, whatever.

Their explanation is that their administrator and C One has an arrangement. Since C One pays so timely and the funds are EFT into the clinic's account, the clinic's administrator has made this agreement that C One keeps 5% off the top. It is a "service fee" for their timely and immediate EFT payment.

No patient advocate. DH called yesterday and spoke to the financial person first. Then, he says, let me put my wife on the phone so you can explain it to her. I was probably the rudest person I have ever been in my life (I am sure it did not help that I was PMS-ing and AF arrived this morning). And she gave me that lame explanation.

It really is not about the money because we knew what the IVF package price was and agreed to pay it. It is the fact that they are doing this without disclosing this practice to their customers. It is TOTALLY wrong and unethical, IMO.

I told her, "I cannot believe you have not been sued over this!"

She said, "Really? Why? I guess I don't understand what you mean?"

I said, "We signed documents saying that C One would pay XXXXXX to Dr. XXXXX. We agreed to make payments to them for this amount. And now, we find out that you did not actually receive that amount from C One? What isn't clear here?"

She kept going back to "it's an arrangement that our administrator and C One has made". She assured me, "that this arrangement is so that the patient is not burdened with making sure the payment is to us and you still receive your treatment."

So.....I do not know if we are going to pursue anything else. Maybe, a letter to our RE just expressing our concern about this practice. It just does not leave a good impression of their so-called patient-friendly care when you find out after the fact that they have an "under-the-counter deal" with the financing company, you know?

Friday, February 6, 2009


We requested our 2008 statement from our clinic a few weeks ago for taxes. It was THE MOST CONFUSING document I have EVER seen! Now, I think they do that on purpose. It was not in any type of know, by date, service, payments vs. charges, etc.....notta, nothing.

So, as we tried to figure out how our payments were credited (loan $ vs. OOP $ vs. insurance $ for lap surgery) VS. clinic charges - we used the totals at the bottom - that are divided by responsible party charges, credits, balance. I figured we could handle that, wrong! DH insisted we meet with them in person to understand the bill because from what we could tell, we were overcharged about $900.

Well, that meeting was this morning. And guess what? According to their records, they did not overcharge us. HOWEVER, they did give our lender for the loan (Capi.tal Heal.thcare) a 5% kickback for "paying so quickly" - and (wait, it gets better!) guess who paid the 5% kickback??? We did!!!!!!!!!! WTF????????

C One basically took 5% of the total loan amount right off the top - and then sent the balance to our clinic. So, not only are we paying them interest (a significant amount I might add), they got an additional 5% of the total loan for "paying so quickly". DH and I are pissed!

We did not discuss it until we got to the parking lot because I don't think it really "sunk in" what she said.....but the more we talked, the more it made sense.

Has anyone heard of such a thing? Has anyone used C One?

The only thing we can think of is that the clinic might offer a 5% cash discount - however, IMO, they should be giving that to us as the customer, not the lender. It is our credit, our money, etc.

Monday, February 2, 2009


That is one word that describes me, period. I know this. I have accepted this. I am trying to work on it. But it is eating at me.....especially the past few days. The future is uncertain in a lot of ways for us and I am stressing about it.

Since our failed IVF, we knew we would need to make some financial decisions to cycle again. The first of which would be to sell our house. We need the equity out of our house to pay off our IVF loan and other debt to get to a point where we are debt free. We are in the process of preparing our house to put it on the market.

After the house sells, we are not sure what will happen.....we are not *tied down* here. We have no family here. We moved here almost 7 years ago for job opportunities and to grow our wings, so to speak. And now, here we are. I feel like we are at a crossroads.

We have contemplated moving to a mandated state and taking new jobs. In fact, DH made a few contacts last fall. Last week, one of the companies laid off thousands of people. So, it looks like that may be a different story now.

I may have an opportunity with my current company for advancement with an expansion project that would require us to move to another state. It is in a mandated state. Although my benefits would remain the same, if DH got a job with IF benefits that would work out perfectly. My company is waiting to hear about this....we will have to go through a negotiation phase, but this would be ready to implement July 1st. With the economy, DH is worried that he might have difficulty finding a job, let alone one with IF benefits.

If we stay in the area, we would keep our current jobs. We make a decent living. After some serious number crunching this weekend, we are pretty sure we would be able to afford IVF again once we sell our house and pay off our other debt. Actually, we could do shared-risk and maybe even afford CCRM OOP. (Although, the more I research, the more I am not so sure this is what I want to do. That is another story for another day....anyways...)

But a small part of me, (well, maybe a part of me that is growing larger every day) wants to move. I want a change. A change of scenery and of people. I am bored here. DH thinks once we have a child, that will change. But what if we do not have a child? Or it takes 2 more years? Or 5 more years?

I would joke with DH and my family that if our IVF cycle did not work - we were moving to the islands. Today, I found myself looking up apartment rentals in USVI. I need something to change.

What I am obsessing over is this: is moving worth the risk of losing the financial/career/benefit stability that we have? Our income is good, we have longevity at our jobs, we have 3/4 wks of vacation, retirement benefits, etc...... But is this what life is about? Is it worth it, if we are not happy? Can I wait any longer? Do I have the patience to see it through?