Saturday, August 15, 2009

what if?

I spent the past week out of town for work and my mom went along for the ride. Even though I worked during the day, it was nice to spend some 1/1 time with her in the evenings. It does not happen often as we live about 3 hrs away from our hometown. We relished in good shopping and good was nice to just hang out with her.

More than once during our trip, I found myself making comments about "if" we have kids....then this or that. UGH. It hurt. It hurt then. It hurts now. It hurts to write it. Of course, I had my game face on and did not let on to the hurt.....just rolled my eyes as I said it. IF and treatment was pretty much non-existent in our conversations.

One evening, 2 of my co-workers/friends joined us for dinner. Both who know more than the average person about our situation. One who cried with me on the phone the day after we found out the IVF didn't work. As they were about talking about their kids and this or that about babies (both have children under 9mos), I felt overly-sensitive by the conversation. It bothers me that I felt this way. Usually, our conversations revolve around work, spouses and their children. But this time, it felt awkward, almost hurtful. Not that they were intending to hurt me, just me hurting, longing for what they have.

Just got me thinking, what *if* I don't?

IF sucks. IF and all of the crap that goes with it sucks.


  1. It does suck. I am sorry. Hoping your dreams come true...

  2. Hugs, hun. It really does suck.

    Those conversations can be so hard. You want to stay interested to show them you care, but it is so so hard. I often hold back asking too much because so many new parents just can't stop talking about their kids and that is where it is just too much for me.

    Wishing it were easier and still very much holding hope for your "when".