Broke my heart.

My BIL is in a new serious relationship and his g/f has a young daughter. Last night, he posted new pics on FB of them at the beach, circus and fair. In some of the pictures, he looks like my DH especially at a quick glance. My heart hurt. My eyes filled with tears.

It is supposed to be us! We have been together for 10 years! We have been trying to have a child for 5 years!!!!!

We are not that close to his family. So, we have not met the g/f or daughter, yet. Truthfully, I do not know if I want to. I do not know if I could keep my emotions in check. All of his siblings have children now (or in his case, have a child in his life).

It is only September and I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. We have vacation time we need to use.... Maybe, we will conveniently schedule some get-a-aways over the holidays and skip'em this year.

IF in the news

This column was in the NY Times on Thursday. I am glad it was shared. I wish more was publicized and discussed about IF and the challenges couples, and men and women in general, face when dealing with IF.

However, once I started reading the comments posted, I remembered why people choose not to share. I remember why most of us in the IF blog-world or on boards choose to stay underground and deal with our grief in a private or semi-anonymous way. I am amazed at the judgement people pass on others when they may or may not understand that person's struggles.

Thank you, Shelagh, and all of my fellow IF bloggers for sharing your stories. Just know, for those of us that can relate, it does make a difference. It gives us some sort of peace to know that we are not alone in this.

More questions, no more answers.

This week, I have found out the urologists do things differently. Not sure why, but obviously, they do. On the forum, I chatted with some girls dealing with MFI and their DHs' urologist prescribed clomid to help increase counts.

My DH saw a urologist in the midst of all of our blood tests, work-ups, etc. pre-IVF. Our RE recommended it and the urologist. It was a very "brief" physical exam and then, we followed up with our RE. They discussed the urologist's opinion and said there were no structural concerns. End of story - proceed with IVF.

Well, after learning of other's experiences and really not knowing exactly what my DH's urologist checked/or didn't check - I decided to do some homework. I called his office yesterday and asked a few questions.

First, he does not specialize in fertility-related issues. (Oh, really? Wondering why we were sent to this guy? He was supposed to be "so great" according to our RE's office.)

If he has a patient with fertility concerns, he refers them on to a specialist - usually, our RE. (Oh, how convenient.)

I tell her about my conversations with some other women who's DH's have MFI and ask, he doesn't prescribe or offer clomid to men? The nurse says no, that would be dealt with the RE. (Oh, wonderful.)

So, what exactly did/does he check during our brief visit and his exam? Structure? Varicoceles? The nurse asks me to hold a few minutes while she reviews my DH's chart. (Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo)

She returns to tell me it looks like structurally, all was good. No varicoceles. The urologist did not recommend any follow-up tests. Just to follow what the RE recommends.

Well, our RE recommended IVF w/ ICSI. BUT.....we did not try anything else. Nothing was offered. Nothing was discussed. What if we would like to try clomid? Just to see.....(because those pills are darn cheap!) DH wants to wait and talk to my Obgyn before we call our RE. I agree, so we will wait a few more weeks.

On a side note, my FIL (56yrs old) was diagnosed with progressive prostate cancer last month. He had surgery this past week that removed his prostate. He is doing well. FIL and DH talked about it and they think he (my DH) should be checked out now as there is a family history. FIL wonders if maybe there is something there related to MFI..... So, I brought this up to the urologist's nurse at the end of our conversation. The urologist was out yesterday but she is going to have him review DH's chart and call us next week.

We have more questions and no more answers, so frustrated. And I am so emotional today.