Moments

We had the follow-up urology appointment on 11/23. The doc confirmed the varicocele and scheduled surgery for this Friday, 12/18. We will wait 3 months and do SA to determine if surgery helps DH's counts. If it does not help, the urologist will prescribe clomid for him. Trying to stay optimistic....but honestly, it is difficult.

My co-worker told me a few weeks ago she is preggo. Of course, they were not *trying* and she told me she felt bad telling me her news. I HATE awkward moments like that. You know, truly, I am happy for them. They do not take their fertility for granted. They had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and it took them *awhile* (about 1 year - which I'm sure felt like FOREVER to them....) to get pregnant again. They have a little one who just turned 1 year a few months ago. Anyways, I do not want people to feel bad telling me about their joy. I was pretty honest with her and tried to explain my feelings about it. I am not sure how much she believed me that I can be happy for her even though it is tearing me up on the inside. We have not talked about it since.

An odd, ironic situation happened for DH. He has problems with lower back pain and sees an orthopedic doctor. Well, he started seeing a new doc a few months ago at the same center and had an appointment on Friday. They were discussing an upcoming procedure and DH told the doc about his varicocele surgery. I guess the doc asked some questions and DH gave him the short story of our IF. The doc asked who our RE is and DH told him. The doc said, "Well, he is the reason I have two little girls." DH teared up and they continued a more detailed conversation of our journey.

We definitely need these moments to remind us that there is a plan for us.

Waiting, again.

We were not able to move up the follow-up appointment with the urologist. It is scheduled for 11/23. So until then, more waiting.

We have been talking about surgery to repair the varicoceles. We do not know for sure yet if this will be an option or recommended but if it is, we will definitely go this route. However, we will probably wait (there is that word again! :o) until the week before Christmas due to DH's work schedule and available time off. It will give him the longest period of recoup time before having to return to work.

We have had a couple of more calls on the house and a showing. Still, waiting. Our county continues to have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.....so it is no surprise the housing market is not really moving. There has been one home sold in our town in the past year or more. We are discussing options and probably will be doing some re-evaluation of them this weekend.

I just wish something was easy for us and went our way easily, just once.

U/S results and a realization

DH had the u/s yesterday. It looks like there is a varicocele on each side. The tech said she has seen worse, but thinks DH's is pretty bad. Not sure what it all means yet...

The follow-up urology appointment is a few weeks out. However, I am going to try to move it up to this week. Now, we are anxious to learn our options.

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On a related note, my parents visited this weekend. At breakfast yesterday, we were discussing the u/s appointment. It was amazing to see how comfortable my DH was discussing his *parts* with them and amusing watching my dad cringe at my DH's description of a varicocele repair!

Wow, it is crazy how far we have come on this journey! There is no shame in this game! :)

Learning more...

We had the "2nd opinion appt" with a urologist on Tuesday.

First things first, he does not feel like DH needs to be concerned with prostate cancer right now. He did a brief check of his prostate, no concerns. Even though there is family history (his dad and dad's dad), he thinks waiting until 40yrs is an appropriate measure and DH's concerns of *possible symptoms* are related to caffeine intake. So, whew!

We discussed IF and our journey thus far. He asked DH to stand up while we talked and he would tell us why later. He reviewed DH's previous test results (SA's, hormones, etc.) and asked if he had been checked. We explained yes, but it was very brief and that's why we are here....for a 2nd opinion. Listened to a few IF stories of past patients and then he did a physical exam. He asked if we had heard of a varicocele? I think I shouted, YES! He explained it a bit and told me to "come here". DH in all his glory is standing there (poor guy! I told him later, now you know what I've been through ;-) and the doc shows us how to check for it and what he feels is a varicocele. He goes on to say that he had DH stand because it would be easier to feel the varicocele because it would bulge like a varicose vein. That the back-up of blood causes the testes to "over heat" therefore impacting sperm production, quality, etc.

He ordered an u/s of the area to confirm the mass is a varicocele. Then, he can do a minor surgery to repair it. He is VERY supportive of clomid for men and said he would be willing to prescribe immediately after the fix or if we wanted to wait and see if the procedure improves DH's counts on its own before starting the clomid - it is our decision. He cautioned us that there are no guarantees that either will work.

Needless to say, we left there with mixed emotions. Ecstatic at what we learned but pissed off that the previous urologist did not detect it AND our RE recommended us to him because he was supposed to be *the best*. And icing on the cake is that when I called the 1st urologist last month to ask about Clomid - they told me the doc didn't really deal w/ MFI and that they would refer us to Dr. B (our RE). It sucks that it feels like infertility is this *big $$ business* that some times doctors forget or don't care that couples are often dealing with so many other facets of their life that are affected by IF. And then when things like this happen (that this was missed or maybe, it wasn't there last year), we've become such skeptics it feels like you've been betrayed.

Nevertheless, I am thankful the "c" word is NOT in our immediate future/concern. I am thankful that we may have found a cause for MFI and the urologist said no worries about Kleinfelters, Turners or "any others". I am glad DH is getting to experience some of the "bear all moments" and procedures. Most of all, I am hopeful that the u/s next week will confirm the varicocele and we can move forward!

Next appt...

We have the urologist appointment on Tuesday this week to discuss MFI, SA, etc. This doc is local and deals more with MFI so we are hoping for some direction. On a related note, we are going to find out if DH should be tested for prostate cancer. His dad was diagnosed in August and had his prostate removed last month. They have talked about the symptoms and DH's current health and we have some concern that maybe the MFI is related?? Not sure, but definitely, we want to have the conversation.

Nervous, anxious, hopeful ~ for some thing.