Monday, February 2, 2009


That is one word that describes me, period. I know this. I have accepted this. I am trying to work on it. But it is eating at me.....especially the past few days. The future is uncertain in a lot of ways for us and I am stressing about it.

Since our failed IVF, we knew we would need to make some financial decisions to cycle again. The first of which would be to sell our house. We need the equity out of our house to pay off our IVF loan and other debt to get to a point where we are debt free. We are in the process of preparing our house to put it on the market.

After the house sells, we are not sure what will happen.....we are not *tied down* here. We have no family here. We moved here almost 7 years ago for job opportunities and to grow our wings, so to speak. And now, here we are. I feel like we are at a crossroads.

We have contemplated moving to a mandated state and taking new jobs. In fact, DH made a few contacts last fall. Last week, one of the companies laid off thousands of people. So, it looks like that may be a different story now.

I may have an opportunity with my current company for advancement with an expansion project that would require us to move to another state. It is in a mandated state. Although my benefits would remain the same, if DH got a job with IF benefits that would work out perfectly. My company is waiting to hear about this....we will have to go through a negotiation phase, but this would be ready to implement July 1st. With the economy, DH is worried that he might have difficulty finding a job, let alone one with IF benefits.

If we stay in the area, we would keep our current jobs. We make a decent living. After some serious number crunching this weekend, we are pretty sure we would be able to afford IVF again once we sell our house and pay off our other debt. Actually, we could do shared-risk and maybe even afford CCRM OOP. (Although, the more I research, the more I am not so sure this is what I want to do. That is another story for another day....anyways...)

But a small part of me, (well, maybe a part of me that is growing larger every day) wants to move. I want a change. A change of scenery and of people. I am bored here. DH thinks once we have a child, that will change. But what if we do not have a child? Or it takes 2 more years? Or 5 more years?

I would joke with DH and my family that if our IVF cycle did not work - we were moving to the islands. Today, I found myself looking up apartment rentals in USVI. I need something to change.

What I am obsessing over is this: is moving worth the risk of losing the financial/career/benefit stability that we have? Our income is good, we have longevity at our jobs, we have 3/4 wks of vacation, retirement benefits, etc...... But is this what life is about? Is it worth it, if we are not happy? Can I wait any longer? Do I have the patience to see it through?


  1. I, too, can be so impatient. That is one of the reasons being infertile sucks so bad!!!

    Looks like you are getting all your ducks sorted and in a row. Good job!

  2. Perhaps IF happens only to the impatient? I'm very impatient as well!

    I think what I would do in your situation is see if that assignment comes up for you in the mandated state. That way one of you continues with your current employment, and only one person needs to look for a job. If it happens in July, "hopefully" things will start improving then in the economy.

    I wish you all the luck in your decisions. These are major decisions and I'm glad you're thinking everything through!

  3. It never hurts to look for other opportunities. We never really know what is around the next turn.

    We had been planning to move once I got pregnant or our baby arrived to the extent that my hubby even interviewed out of state. Timing just wasn't right and now we sit, just waiting.

    Another impatient infertile here as well.....

    It sounds like you are covering all your bases to really figure out what you want to do. I hope things all fall into place very soon!!

  4. I hear you loud and clear. Could've written this post myself. We sold our house last year in order to cut overhead and it was the best decision we have made. We weren't sure what our next step was so we decided to lease a single family home while we sorted things out. We cut our bills by 50% and bought ourselves time to think and plan :)


  5. Hi! I think you were on one of the FC boards with me (yogagrrl)..I think we both got BFN's of course during that cycle or something else happened...can't remember? I somehow bumped into your blog on someone else's blogroll...

    I very often think about moving just for the change of scenery. Just to forget the last 2 years and all the treatments and pain and just start we can be 2 new people again. We are waiting 2 years and then will be some time to see how the economy recovers and if it does. But, in the meantime, we are going broke doing mostly OOP at CCRM (First cycle there with family loaned money got my BFP but m/c at 10 weeks, so we are doing one more with credit card loans and genetic testing). Good luck! stay in touch.

  6. I have to disagree...look at all you have gone through. I think women with IF have more patience than anybody. All we do is WAIT! We wait to cycle, we wait for the phone to ring for results, we have the 2 week get the picture. I commend you for your patience. This is a trying point right now in your life and I hope you and DH make the right decision. I am sure whatever decision you least you both are in it together! PS - come out to Massachusetts...IVF is covered!

  7. You are preaching to the choir! If nothing else, this whole IF journey has force fed me patience for the last 6 years. My DH and I looked at moving out to Vancouver for a change of scenery as well...but we didn't end up going. House prices there are astronomical, especially given that the 2010 Olympics are going to be held there. So we rattle around our house here, waiting until the next cycle, waiting for something to change. You are very brave to cash out the equity in your home and sell it.