That is one word that describes me, period. I know this. I have accepted this. I am trying to work on it. But it is eating at me.....especially the past few days. The future is uncertain in a lot of ways for us and I am stressing about it.
Since our failed IVF, we knew we would need to make some financial decisions to cycle again. The first of which would be to sell our house. We need the equity out of our house to pay off our IVF loan and other debt to get to a point where we are debt free. We are in the process of preparing our house to put it on the market.
After the house sells, we are not sure what will happen.....we are not *tied down* here. We have no family here. We moved here almost 7 years ago for job opportunities and to grow our wings, so to speak. And now, here we are. I feel like we are at a crossroads.
We have contemplated moving to a mandated state and taking new jobs. In fact, DH made a few contacts last fall. Last week, one of the companies laid off thousands of people. So, it looks like that may be a different story now.
I may have an opportunity with my current company for advancement with an expansion project that would require us to move to another state. It is in a mandated state. Although my benefits would remain the same, if DH got a job with IF benefits that would work out perfectly. My company is waiting to hear about this....we will have to go through a negotiation phase, but this would be ready to implement July 1st. With the economy, DH is worried that he might have difficulty finding a job, let alone one with IF benefits.
If we stay in the area, we would keep our current jobs. We make a decent living. After some serious number crunching this weekend, we are pretty sure we would be able to afford IVF again once we sell our house and pay off our other debt. Actually, we could do shared-risk and maybe even afford CCRM OOP. (Although, the more I research, the more I am not so sure this is what I want to do. That is another story for another day....anyways...)
But a small part of me, (well, maybe a part of me that is growing larger every day) wants to move. I want a change. A change of scenery and of people. I am bored here. DH thinks once we have a child, that will change. But what if we do not have a child? Or it takes 2 more years? Or 5 more years?
I would joke with DH and my family that if our IVF cycle did not work - we were moving to the islands. Today, I found myself looking up apartment rentals in USVI. I need something to change.
What I am obsessing over is this: is moving worth the risk of losing the financial/career/benefit stability that we have? Our income is good, we have longevity at our jobs, we have 3/4 wks of vacation, retirement benefits, etc...... But is this what life is about? Is it worth it, if we are not happy? Can I wait any longer? Do I have the patience to see it through?
The Consequence of Intimacy
11 hours ago