Life Uncommon

This post is dedicated to a dear friend ~ you know who you are! ;-) She recently shared this song with me. It touched my heart. Brought me to tears. I feel compelled to post it here as a reminder to myself of this time and my gratitude for her thoughtfulness. It is an anthem for those of us dealing with IF. As my sweet friend told me, this song is "really perfect for what we face with IF...worry, fear, and ultimately the desire for freedom from these things."

She is so right.

I have been fortunate enough to "meet" several women dealing with IF in cyberspace. It's easy to "talk" to and connect with people who get it. Who understand where you're at, where you've been, and sometimes, where you're going. I am blessed to have some dear friends all because of our journeys with IF.

If you are dealing with IF, listen to this song. Listen to these words. As we lead this "Life Uncommon", let us be free.

Thank you for sharing this with me, my friend.

p.s. before you play this song, be sure to "click" pause on the music player at the bottom to turn off that music! :-)

UPDATE 1/4/09: Because I think these words are so true and I do not want to *loose* them ~ I am moving the lyrics from the sidebar on my blog to this post as I am reorganzing my blog layout.

Life Uncommon - Jewel

Dont worry mother

Itll be alright

And dont worry sister

Say your prayers and sleep tight

And itll be fine

Lover of mine

Itll be just fine

And lend your voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend your strength

To that which you wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And you shall lead

A life uncommon

Ive heard your anguish

Ive heard your hearts cry out

We are tired, we are weary

But we arent worn out

Set down your chains

Until only faith remains

Set down your chains

And lend your voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend your strength

To that which you wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead

A life uncommon

There are plenty of people

Who pray for peace

But if praying were enough

It wouldve come to be

Let your words enslave no one

And the heavens will hush themselves

To hear our voices ring our clear

With sounds of freedom

Sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers

Move out of the way

There is a new army coming

And we are armed with faith

To live, we must give

To live

And lend our voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend our strength

To that which we wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead...

And lend our voices only

To sounds of freedom

No longer lend our strength

To that which we wish

To be free from

Fill your lives

With love and bravery

And we shall lead

A life uncommon

Sulking Sunday.

So, with all of my wondering/thinking/stressing the past few days, I was really looking forward to our church service today. We have only been attending this particular church for a few months now, but honestly, I have felt more at peace the past few months, than the past few years. I was hoping to find a message and that peace today.

Here is how our morning started: we went to the early service at church - today was the children's performances. Within 2 minutes of us sitting down, the guy next to me says, "So do you guys have kids up there today?" Me: my voice cracking, "No." End of conversation. Then, an awkward silence....and I could feel DH's arm dig into my side.....DANG! WTH? I know he was probably just trying to start a conversation, but how about the weather? Did he realize it was freezing rain and frigid cold? Did I look like a crazed-mom waiting to take pics? N-O. We purposefully sat toward the back, away from all of the goo-goo-gaa-gaa of the children and crazed parents trying to get the perfect picture. Seriously!?!??

It is so hard. I do not want to live in a bubble. I do not want to live in a world that revolves around IF.

It is hard not to feel isolated. It is hard not to isolate myself. However, at times, it is easier than dealing with the emotions or with other people who have no idea.

Goal #1: CCRM in 2009

It's weird lately. A few weeks ago, I could almost go a day without feeling sad about our situation. I felt like I was in such a tolerant and accepting place. Today, that tolerance is long gone! Like I said yesterday, IF/baby/tx/ next steps are ALWAYS on my mind!

So, today, we talked more about "what can we do?" DH will be off work the next 3 weeks involuntarily (ugh ~ like our financial situation isn't tough enough already?). He will put the finishing touches on our basement and straighten up some of the cluttered rooms. I agreed to help with a "thorough" cleaning of the house. He would like to clean the windows - I think it's a little cold here for that - it might have to wait until the spring. But then, we think we will go ahead and pursue selling our house, now.

The one thing we both agreed on today is that we both want to pursue our next tx at CCRM. They are the best. So whatever it takes, we want to be cared for by the best. We have read so much lately about their procedures, and have heard of such wonderful work that they are doing. We feel that to go through an IVF cycle again, and if we were to do it somewhere else and it fail, we would always wonder - what if? So, we want to avoid that at all cost. We will do whatever it takes to get to CCRM; our goal, within the next year.

Standing still.

This has been on my mind all day - What can we do? what should we do? what limits will we go to? The most obvious question for us right now, today, is financially - what is it worth? And how do we get there? If I had all money in the world, I'd trade it for our bio-child. (Does that sound awful??) I'm not trying to put a price on our baby. I just feel "stuck" right now - stuck in this place between decisions, between treatments.....I'm not a very patient person. (Very much a "planner" and self-admittingly, Type A). I've actually been in a "good" place the past month or so. In fact, I've put on my happy face and dealt with many preggo women, new babies and pregnancy announcements. In my staff alone at work, we're going on #4 in 2.5 years - and I feel I've dealt with it - in person - with grace. (No one but DH knows the real story ;-) But I feel the pressure, the waiting, the longing for our child growing more and more each day. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. At times, I'm mad.

I just wish $ was no object, because then it would all be more simple. There would be a plan and we would pursue it. Life could feel like it was moving, instead of standing still.

My heart melted tonight.

Well, I realized tonight that the past few days probably hasn't just been hard on me.....my better-half, (or other-half as he would say), my dear/darling/dashing husband (N) said something "out of the blue" that made me think. Made me think about his feelings. You know, as most men have trouble talking about their feelings, I think the same is true about my husband and his thoughts on IF. Don't get me wrong, we've came a long way, baby. But he's still a guy, and guys do not prefer to talk/share their feelings as openly as us girls do.

Tonight, N was getting out Christmas decorations and I was cleaning up from dinner. And I came into the living room and he says, "Hey, I have a thought. A good idea for our family tradition......" The rest of the words did not matter.....that sentence melted my heart.

That simple expression from him got me thinking....when this IF road seems so lonely, frustrating and heartbreaking, I need to remember the man beside me. The man who is struggling just as much as I am. I need to remember to be sensitive to his needs and be his supportive rock, just as he is mine.

Oh sweet, darling husband, how I hope and pray that we will be starting those traditions sooner, rather than later or not at all.