Year One.

I made this a few days ago and finally figured out how to make it bigger as a picture in my layout. But I also want to *journal* this for my historical sake, so I am making a post. (I had never thought of this as my own place in history until I just wrote that.....Hmmmm......maybe, I should make it more interesting! LOL :-) Okay, on with my thoughts.

We began the official journey with treatment last Dec/Jan. It has *officially* been (gulp) 1 year. This wordle represents our 1st year of IF treatment.

Now, on with Year Two.

Planning ahead.

This week has been busy with work. But my mind is wandering. Is there anything else we should be doing or taking to help with our *issues* while we are on this break from treatment? I have mild endo and DH has low counts and morph. Our next step will more than likely be another IVF cycle. (Unless, there is huge improvement in DH's SA).

For now, I am taking a prenatal, calcium and DHA supplements. Also, royal jelly with bee pollen. DH is taking a multi-vitamin and recently started Fertil.eAid. I wonder if this is enough?

I am off work until Monday. This will give me some time and I plan to read-up on all of the latest suggestions. It has been awhile since I have done research on this, so if anyone has any suggestions, please share!

UPDATE: Thanks for the suggestions!

Erica, WELCOME to the IF blog world! It is not a great place to be, but it makes it better knowing that you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story.....I look forward to reading more about your journey.

Mamasoon, no, our RE did not recommend the Fertile.Aid ~ while we are on this break, we decided to give it a try. And, I thought DHA is an omega 3?? Also, I take flax seed ~ forgot that one!

Emily, I am interested in the supplement your RE recommended ~ I'm going to check that out. Also, I did accupuncture during our cycle with a guy who specializes in infertility AP ~ LOVED it. But he is 3hrs away..... : (

Retro Girl, I have heard about the Fertility Diet before, I'm going to check into that, too.

While I'm Waiting...

The past year brought a lot of frustration, dark days, and challenges. It was the beginning of our journey through infertility. However, the past year also brought the beginning of a new, more important journey. The beginning of our journey to serve the Lord.

As a couple dealing with IF, we often find ourselves questioning our faith, our purpose and God's plan. It is so hard. I have read many posts from IF bloggers who have experienced similar questions and thoughts in their journeys. I can always relate.

So, I want to share this song with the IF blogosphere. I first heard this song last month in our service for Advent. It brought a raw, emotional response from me and my DH during that service as we were thinking about our situation. Since then, it has become my daily prayer. I want to live my life in a way that glorifies God. And while I wait, I want to serve Him.

As I searched for a link to share this, someone created a video dedicated to those of us facing IF. IMHO, appropriately. So, I have posted that version below. Enjoy!

p.s. Remember to "pause" the volume on the music player at the bottom of the page! :-)

My View: Then and Now

Whew, what a week. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I cannot believe I never thought about that paper or my writing of it this past year or so while we have been contemplating our future. Thanks to those of you who commented on my discovery and to answer the question a few of you asked....

My views on Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights have not changed since writing that paper. Perhaps, may be a little stronger. I believe once the bio-parents sign their rights over - the adoption is a DONE deal. I have thoughts about when that should be done, who has a say, etc. but the short version is: the adoptive parents' rights and emotions need protection, too. I have a few friends who have adopted domestically. Each encountered emotional turmoil because of bio-parents indeciveness and no one should have to endure such. I am not judging the bio-parents and I cannot imagine making the decision to give my baby up for adoption. However, I feel, once the decision has been made....it needs to be that way for all parties involved.

Is it Friday, yet?

Coincidence?

In prep of *officially* making life changes and taking our next steps toward IF treatment, we are preparing to sell our house. Today, I was going through old boxes that we have not opened since moving here 5 years ago. I came across some old school work. Since college is 10 years in my rear view, I decided it was time to purge.

A few things caught my eye, like a junior high collage. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and sort it (what to keep, what to trash, what to shred). Thankfully, my "what to keep pile" isn't too large......but what I came across is *BIG* and has got me thinking.....

My high school research paper. Topic: Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights. I TOTALLY had forgot about this! You may remember back in the early 90's, it was a *hot topic*. There were several court cases and many in the national media. I have always wanted to work with children. So even back in high school, I was interested in the topic. But today, seeing this, it brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach. Ironic? Coincidence? Is this the path our life will lead? Is this the path I have been destined to lead?

DH said one word, "Weird." Maybe, I will ask him more tomorrow. I am scared.

Dreaming of warmer days...

It is officially C-O-L-D! It is -19 degrees. And that is the air temp, not even the wind chill! To make me feel better, I browsed some of our pics from the islands last year....in case it's cold where you are, thought I'd share them with you!

Trunk Bay, St. John, USVI

Cruz Bay, St. John, USVI

Today was an exciting day! (not IF related!)

Today will go down as one of the most exciting days of my life. It was a first for me. A first for us. Today, N and I helped with the annual "Food Drop" at our church. Through a special drive, a Christmas Offering, the church purchased food and personal care items from Feed the Children (FTC).

The church assembled the boxes a few months ago. The church packed the boxes last month at the local FTC warehouse. And today, the church bought the boxes (over 6,000!), unloaded them from 8 FTC semis throughout the community, and delivered them to 20 community agencies and 13 neighborhoods. In some areas, people went door-to-door to deliver the items. This event alone will serve over 3,000 families.

I am inspired by the generousity of our church. Our community has been hit hard by the economic down-turn. Our county has the highest unemployment rate in our state. However, over 2,000 people arrived by 9am on a Saturday morning in heavy snow to serve God and our community. It is amazing to be a small part of such a wonderful group of people who care for others and are working to bring "up there, down here".

I'll close with this verse my pastor posted on his blog this afternoon:

2 Corinthians 8:2-5 - Although they were going through hard times and were very poor, they were glad to give generously. They gave as much as they could afford and even more, simply because they wanted to. They even asked and begged us to let them have the joy of giving their money for God's people. And they did more than we had hoped.

every corner, every turn

Faith. I have it. Trying to keep it. But when days like today happen, it makes me ponder the universe and, ultimately, makes me ask God why? What are you trying to tell me? What is your plan for my life? Waiting. Waiting. No answer - patience comes to mind - I try. I am really, really trying to have patience.

Just this week, N and I have made some big financial decisions. Last night, we went to our monthly communion service. Letting go of our burdens, leaving with a *clean slate* was the message. I was there. I left worship feeling at peace and renewed. We went to dinner afterwards, and had a really good talk. I love my husband. I was in such a good place last night, and this morning.

Then, today - SHATTERED...

After a meeting this afternoon, a co-worker (I'm her boss) asks to talk to me - she tells me she is pregnant! She just found out this morning and it was a "shock" - they were not "expecting" it - she doesn't know what to do - she will be considered high-risk because of her age - she doesn't want to tell anyone yet - she is 43 years old! She wanted me to know because she isn't sure what will happen. She feels terrible because of "your situation" (that would be MY IF situation - my staff know we are having trouble, seeking tx with a specialist, but no details). And this is child #4 or 5......she has a 6yr old (who was an "accident", and her other kids are in their 20's. She married VERY young.....)

Then, no less than 2hrs later, I was driving with a co-worker (different person - again, I'm her boss) and her son calls (who's wife is expecting) and they found out the gender today - a girl! Then, I get to talk about names, due dates, u/s, etc. for the next hour.....

What in the world? Why is this being thrown in my face? Every corner, every turn, IF is there.

I am not upset with these people for the joys and events in their life. In the gut-wrenching moment, I'm able to smile and congratulate them, and mean it. I am happy for their happiness. But dang, it hurts. It hurts not to have that kind of news. I feel like I take 10 steps back in my quest to be at peace with our situation. We are on a long road and I know it will not be easy. I need to find the strength to deal with it and the faith to leave it to God, always. Believe in His plan. Let Him burden this pain, this hurt.

Maybe, tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow will be a better day.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

After a few busy weeks with the holidays, I'm glad to be at home with just me and N. I've been "unplugged" a lot, just trying to enjoy the moment and stay away from my obsessive googling on IF treatment, stories, etc. However, the past few days, I've enjoyed catching up on the holiday blog posts....it's nice to remember we are not alone in our emotions and struggles with IF.

Christmas reflection...
We spent a week visiting our families out of town. Mostly my family, but we did see his family on Christmas Day. Busy day, lots of children. Loved it. Saddened by it. Inspired by it. Laughed at it. Cried about it. Seriously, how can all of those emotions show up on one day? All in all, it was a good day. Then, we went with my parents on a weekend get-a-way. The guys spent time outdoors riding 4-wheelers and hunting while enjoying the unseasonable weather. My mom and I spent time shopping and hanging out. It was nice. I'm glad we spent the extra time with them.

2008 reflection...
Although we end 2008 with hope for the new year, it was a tough year for us. Thinking back, it was a whirlwind. Almost surreal. It seems like the year literally flew by....like in warp speed. The highlights surround our TTC journey. January started with a bunch of tests as a result of our initial RE appt. February brought MFI diagnosis. March was a lap surgery with endo diagnosis and removal of a tubal cyst. We started our 1st IVF cycle in April and finished it in May. June brought the darkest days of my life. (Even as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears.......) We took a much needed mental health vacay in July. We finally had our post-IVF appt with RE in August and spent the rest of the month discussing what we would do next. We decided to go for an IUI. Started that in September and finished it in October. November and December, we spent thinking, dreaming, and planning our next steps toward becoming parents....

There are other 2008 highlights that I must capture...

~N and I found a church home. We went to our first service there in November, and haven't looked back. We are discovering our faith and next steps toward Christ.

~My youngest sister bought her first house in March, graduated from college in May, passed her boards for nursing in July, and was married in December! It was a great year for her. I am very proud of her and all that she has accomplished.

~And, we will have a new President in 19 days...I am very proud of our country!

And now, Happy New Year....it is 2009...
I am not quite sure what the year holds for us. However, I am finding comfort and peace that it is in God's hands. He will continue to lead us on this journey. We will continue to seek Him and discover our faith. My hope for the new year is that I can keep a positive outlook on our situation and recognize the blessings in our life. I do not want to be bitter and angry. I do not want to fall into the negativity and hopelessness that can so easily consume you when dealing with IF.

Our goal this year is to take our next steps toward becoming parents. Whatever way that may be. Right now, it seems that another IVF cycle is that way. We have decided that we only want to do another IVF cycle at CCRM. If we can do that, it will be a successful year.