Thursday, January 8, 2009

every corner, every turn

Faith. I have it. Trying to keep it. But when days like today happen, it makes me ponder the universe and, ultimately, makes me ask God why? What are you trying to tell me? What is your plan for my life? Waiting. Waiting. No answer - patience comes to mind - I try. I am really, really trying to have patience.

Just this week, N and I have made some big financial decisions. Last night, we went to our monthly communion service. Letting go of our burdens, leaving with a *clean slate* was the message. I was there. I left worship feeling at peace and renewed. We went to dinner afterwards, and had a really good talk. I love my husband. I was in such a good place last night, and this morning.

Then, today - SHATTERED...

After a meeting this afternoon, a co-worker (I'm her boss) asks to talk to me - she tells me she is pregnant! She just found out this morning and it was a "shock" - they were not "expecting" it - she doesn't know what to do - she will be considered high-risk because of her age - she doesn't want to tell anyone yet - she is 43 years old! She wanted me to know because she isn't sure what will happen. She feels terrible because of "your situation" (that would be MY IF situation - my staff know we are having trouble, seeking tx with a specialist, but no details). And this is child #4 or 5......she has a 6yr old (who was an "accident", and her other kids are in their 20's. She married VERY young.....)

Then, no less than 2hrs later, I was driving with a co-worker (different person - again, I'm her boss) and her son calls (who's wife is expecting) and they found out the gender today - a girl! Then, I get to talk about names, due dates, u/s, etc. for the next hour.....

What in the world? Why is this being thrown in my face? Every corner, every turn, IF is there.

I am not upset with these people for the joys and events in their life. In the gut-wrenching moment, I'm able to smile and congratulate them, and mean it. I am happy for their happiness. But dang, it hurts. It hurts not to have that kind of news. I feel like I take 10 steps back in my quest to be at peace with our situation. We are on a long road and I know it will not be easy. I need to find the strength to deal with it and the faith to leave it to God, always. Believe in His plan. Let Him burden this pain, this hurt.

Maybe, tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow will be a better day.


  1. I'm sorry that you got blindsided twice just in one day with pregnancy news and conversation. You are brave to have handled the situations gracefully.

    Good luck and I hope things get easier soon!

  2. Yes Tomorrow WILL be a better day!! You have such mazing faith, hold tight to that and never give up. I know these are all things that you know, but sometimes it helps to hear it from a friend that is going through the same situation. Just remember above all else that God has a plan for you and N and even though you can't see it (I know it sucks) he will let you know when it is time. Remember to lean on the people who love you the most during this time especially N!!

    We will make it, maybe not when we want, but we will be mommies!! I hope you have a better evening!!

  3. I'm so sorry you were hit so hard in the same day! Ugghh. The fertile world is where I struggle to find peace too. Alone, at home with my husband, I do find some moments of peace and contentment with our journey. It is when I step out and really see/hear/feel first hand what we are missing that I struggle. Many hugs.

  4. Hey girl, Isn't it amazing how we resolve to be at peace with something but then we get thrown for a loop even the next day? We have no control over when and where it will happen, that's the hardest part. Someday you'll have to tell your boss you're pregnant...just keep looking forward to that day - and get your 43-year-old coworker's RE's phone number - was she honestly not even trying? Wow! Really, that day sucked big time for you and I hope you don't have to deal with all of that in one day's not even right! Hugs to you!

  5. I hate hearing it all for the first time. being caught off guard is so destabilizing. glad to read you've had better days since. :-)