Sunday, December 18, 2011

Over the line?

Our relationship is complicated with my DH's family.  We live 3 hours away from both of our families but see my family at least every 1-2 months and more frequently depending on birthdays, celebrations, or other special events.  We are lucky to see his family 1-2 each matter what. 

Faceb.ook has been really nice to be able to connect with everyone and stay up to date on what's happening in their lives.  We have a closed family group for DH's family and they post things there every now and then.  Well, one of my SILs took it upon herself to post the DETAILS of our ET last week on the closed group.

At first, I was pissed and now, after a few days, I'm hurt.  Hurt that the info she posted is ours to share, not hers.  It is what I chose to share with her, MIL, and other SIL in a text from me to them.  Not to the rest of the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I haven't told my DH because I know he'll be pissed and this will be one more thing that pushes him away from them.  Here is her post:

My dearest family members:

I don't know how much you all know, but I wanted to share this with you because I know they need all the hope and prayers they can get! You may or may not know that N and A are in XYZ again trying for a baby. They have been there since Thanksgiving weekend. They had 7 embryos growing strong and yesterday they transferred 3 of them. 4 of them didn't make it. They are ranked by condition, 1 being GREAT, 1 being GOOD, and 1 that was a day behind. Now we just hope and pray and hope and pray some more! They get a blood test done next Thursday. We are praying for a Christmas Miracle that the procedure will be successful. They could be there through Christmas or longer if everything stays successful. So continue to hope and pray for them and their little embryos! We love you N & A!

When I read it, I know she had nothing but good intentions to gather more support for us.  But damn, this crap is hard enough without putting this detail out for everyone to read.  I would have NEVER chose to give them that much detail about the embies - she basically copied my text about the embryos.  Most of these people probably have NEVER heard the word "embryo" before, that do not have a clue about IVF, or the process.  I'm sure some of them think we'll have triplets because we transferred 3. 

Anyways, I have been contemplating - do I respond?  to just her?  to everyone?  Let it go?  I've been trying not to think about it because right now is not the time I need worry.  I mean, it is what it is.  It's done.  But I feel like she stepped over the line. 


Today is 5dp5dt.  I have been really tired the past few days and just lounged around.  I had twinges off and on yesterday...hoping that means at least one of these embabies is sticking around! 


  1. no, let it be water over the bridge. the byatch means well in a twisted christian way. to quote from one of my favorite kiddie stories,
    "smile and wave" I've lit my St. Jude's candle for you girl. These next few days, go to youtube and run all your favorite comedians routines, laugh at least one time an hour.

    Here's St. Jude's prayer

    ok, i said it and sent it.



  2. I agree with you and Anonymous that SIL's *sentiment* was kind. However, as someone else who has been "outed" (by my mother) even when specifically asking not to be, here's the deal - no one else has the right to share incredibly personal information like that about someone else without that someone else's explicit permission. This is a challenging, emotional time, and the last thing you need is to have to deal with comments about things like triplets or other idiotic, misguided ideas people have who have absolutely no clue about the hell you're having to go through to do something that came so easy to them.

    So, unless your text to her ended with "Plz share w/the extended fam...", her post - and the intent behind it - was 1,000% out of line. That post is just as inappropriate as her posting all of the details of your engagement or your DH's graduation with a new degree, etc. It's not her place to do that, because it's simply not her news to share.

    I don't know how a closed group works on FB. If I were you and it's possible for you to delete the post, I would. If not, I would send a note to her saying something along the lines of "I saw that you posted the details of our embryo transfer on FB. I truly appreciate the sentiment and the request for good thoughts and prayers for us. However, at this time, DH and I are not at a point where we are comfortable sharing those details with the extended family. If we get to a point where we are ready, we will be sure to do that. In the meantime, please take down the post ASAP since I'm not able to remove it myself. Thanks!"

    And then if any family members happen to mention it, I'd just say "We appreciate your kind thoughts. SIL posted that information in error, and we're not really comfortable discussing it at this time. But thank you again for the kind thoughts."

    I hope the twinges bring good news very soon!