Fertilization update

Or lack thereof. Zero eggs fertilized. No embryos. No transfer. We are on our way home. Heartbroken.

Fertilization Limbo

Of my 4 eggs, 3 were mature.  They ICSI'd the 3 eggs and 2 did not fertilize.  The other one - well, they are not sure yet.  It was "uncertain" if fertilization occurred so they wanted to give it another day.  We have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if we may have 1 embryo for transfer. 

Ugh.  This is not what we expected.  Not a good day...

Oh and for the record, I started progesterone support (Crinone) and Estrace this morning...just in case.

ER Update - Dec 20th

They retrieved 4 eggs this morning....not sure about maturity or fertilization, yet. They will call us tomorrow with that information and also let us know if it will be a 3 or 4 day transfer.  The process was a little different than our other RE as they brought DH back for the procedure.  I was already out but it was nice he was there when I woke up.  :)

The nurse who prepped the IV totally missed my vein or something and it was a river of blood running down my arm....glad I'm not squeamish!  Seriously, there was blood everywhere!  I know she was embarrassed when the other tech came in and said something about it....then, she asks me, "Is that always trouble?".  I was like, "Well, no, actually never."  She did not have much else to say.


Anyways, not much else happening, just resting and relaxing.  I slept for about 3hrs when we got back and then we went to Chzcake Factory for dinner!  Hoping and praying for good news tomorrow.....hopefully, we have 4 strong embabies growing!!!

CD 11 Update

Wow, I.am.so.tired.  These meds are kicking my butt!  Last round of stim meds were last night, HCG shot is tonight (in 10 minutes), and ER on Monday at 10am!

Yesterday's #s:
E2 = 1811
P4 = .8
LH = 10.03
follicles = 5 total (3 on the left, 2 on right)

Even though there are still 2 measurable follies on the right, they are slightly smaller than Wed.  My right ovary was smaller yesterday than Wed, too.  What does this mean?  How/why does an ovary get smaller and follies get smaller?  How can this be when we've been pumping my body full of stims for over a week?! 

Anyways, I digress....please, pLeAsE, PLEASE let Monday bring good news about good quality, mature eggs!

CD 9 update

Today's #'s:
E2 = 970
P4 = 1.2
LH = 10.01
follicles = 5 total (3 on left, 2 on right)

So...obviously, we were hoping for more follicles but I'm trying not to caught up on quantity and think quality.  Ugh.  So tough.  I will continue on the same medication doses and go back on Friday morning.  With this pace, they think ER will be Monday and ET on Thursday or Friday. 

I came across this meditation CD series called Circle+Bloom.  Has anyone used them?  Since we had already started this cycle, I passed this time but saw something similar at our Center's boutique today.  I bought the one for IVF cycles.  It is on my agenda tonight. 

Also, I had a massage today at the Center.  One word, relaxed.  They offer acupuncture, too.  I did it regularly during our last IVF cycle.  I haven't this time but thinking about adding it to mix for the next week. 

IVF #2 underway!

It is official....we are in the midst of our IVF cycle!  Thursday's CD 3 b/w and u/s were fine so I started stims that evening.  Lining was good a 6ish and, best news of all, my FSH was 10.9!  I started DHEA about 6 weeks before this....so hopefully, that is a good sign!

We went for our first appointment at the new RE's office today.  Wowzers!  They have their shit together!  No waiting for a phone call from the nurse, we have an online patient account to login and see all of the lab and u/s results.  The staff were so nice and welcoming, even gave us tips for shopping and avoiding sales tax!  LOL 

E2 = 465 today (CD 7) a little high, but I'll take that over suppressed any day!  We go back Wednesday and Friday.  So far, so good! 

CD 1 (a little late)

Yeah, I started spotting late Monday afternoon and AF was in full force yesterday.  CD 1 *officially* yesterday, 12/7.  I go for CD 3 baselines (bloodwork and ultrasound) tomorrow morning!

Also, need opinions and thoughts, please!  I've been thinking about starting another blog and sharing it with our families.  There are a few posts I've wrote here in the past that might hurt someone's feelings.  I'm concerned about that. 

Has anyone else done this?  other ideas?  I don't want it to be more complicated (I'm already not a daily blogger :) but I think it might help shed light on the reality of what we are going through.

It figures...

AF should have been here yesterday....this morning, at the latest.  My body was telling me she was on her way....cramps off and on since Fri, feeling hot, achy, and b*itchy (sorry, babe!).  The TP had been stark white until about an hour ago....TMI:  it was a pinkish but not blood.

No HPTs in the house and I would have to drive 45 min roundtrip in snowy, treacherous weather.  I NEED to be working for the next 5 hours to keep on schedule for getting things done before we are supposed  to leave!  So DH is going to call after work and bring one home if the witch hasn't fully arrived by then.  Now, just to keep myself busy and stop obsessing!

It figures this would happen.  I have been stressed all kinds of crazy from work and just anxious about this cycle and all that it brings.  Just ready to get this show on the road!

1 week to go

About this time next Thursday evening, we will be arriving at our hotel in New York!  So excited to get this started!  Our first shipment of meds arrived today....it just makes it all more real!  2 questions:  does Menopur have to be refrigerated?  (couldn't find anything on the packaging)  and is it difficult to mix the Menopur?  DH is the official chemist and is now worried once he found out he will have to mix this like daily!  I just laughed and he said, "Glad someone can laugh about it.  It freaks me out!"  LOL  Love him!

Finally, good news!

After all of the drama at the beginning of the year with DH's varicocele surgery and recovery, we were very skeptical that anything good was to come from it.  Then, about the time he was to have an updated S/A, we had the roller coaster of the miscarriages and DH put it off indefinitely.  Finally, in prep for our cycle which starts next week, he went Wednesday for a S/A.  And today, we received GOOD news!

Count ~ 14 million (2x more than ever!)
Motility ~ 64% rapid, 9% slowly
Morphology ~ 0% perfect, 9% slightly abnormal

RE said the count and motility are definite improvements.  The morphology remains unchanged but with IVF it doesn't matter.  They will take the best looking sperm anyways!  We are elated and this is wonderful news to get this cycle started!  Less than 1 week!  Eeeeek!

Welcome ICLW!

Our story:
I am 34, my DH is 35, and we live in the Midwest.  We are living with infertility.  Our challenge had been male factor with severe oligozoospermia (count less than 10M) and mild endo.  Over the summer, we learned my FSH was elevated and now, officially, diagnosed with DOR.  After being shell-shocked, we realized time is of the essence and have been evaluating our options over the past few months.  We recently decided to proceed with a multi-cycle plan, at a new clinic (that is about 12 hours from home), next month (Dec).  While I am excited to be moving forward, I am nervous and afraid.  Thankfully, my job has been so insanely busy that I have not had much time to really think about all of the *what-if's*!  I plan to journal about my feelings, the procedures, and our journey over the next month right here. 

If you want to read more about our journey to the diagnosis of IF, click here.

A little more about how we got here:  For the past 2 years, we have been in limbo-land HELL.  In 2008, we did an IUI cycle, an IVF cycle, spent our savings, and took out a loan.  In 2009, in the midst of the economic crisis, we tried to sell our house (we recently took it off the market).  In Dec 09, DH had surgery to repair a varicocele.  In 2010, we started the new year dedicated to a healthier lifestyle, working out and eating better.  In April, we got our 1st ever BFP, ON.OUR.OWN!  The joy ended a week later.  In late May, I was late again but our fears were quickly realized.  Needless to say, the roller coaster of emotions of those few months caused our plans to derail and we went crashing off course.  We had a WTF appt with our RE who thought updated tests would be a good idea.  That is when we got more bad news as I had a high FSH (25 - July).  In August, it was down but still elevated (12).  In Sept, the AMH test was .48 which is an indicator of diminished ovarian reserve. 

So, here.we.are.  We are 100% self-pay (no insurance coverage) and taking out another loan to pay for the upcoming treatment.  That is probably my biggest fear right now.  We are investing so much in this, if it doesn't work ~ UGH, my stomach turns at the thought ~ I try to not let myself go there.  My comfort is knowing that we have more than 1 shot at this, this time.  That has been our desire all along (since our failed cycles).  If/when we started treatment again, we had to have more than 1 cycle.  We thought a shared-risk plan was the answer but with my recent test results, we are not candidates for those now.  We are VERY fortunate that we found a great RE/clinic, with decent/average stats, that offers multi-cycle plans!  So today, I am THANKFUL and HOPEFUL that we are headed in the right direction.

Thanks for stopping by!

Big decision!

We have made a decision!  We are moving forward with a multi-cycle IVF plan with a new RE in December!  As in NEXT month!  We had our consult on 11/5 and really liked the RE.  He suggested the flare protocol since it takes awhile for me to respond to stims.

AF should arrive around 12/5.  We will do baselines here and then travel to NY for a few weeks.  ER/ET will be the week of Christmas!

Also, I made it back to the gym yesterday, finally.  It was odd walking back in there - the last time was in April, when I was pregnant.  Mixed emotions thinking about that yesterday.  But it's past me.  I did it.  And I will go back tomorrow.

p.s.  AF arrived this past Mon, 11/8.  :(

Good news

We got the paperwork from the new clinic to complete prior to our consult.  They want it at least 1 week prior, which means this Friday, YIKES ~ where does time go these days?!  Ah yes, my CRAZY work schedule.  The positive ~ it has kept me so busy, this cycle is flying by!

As we prepare for the consult, we have been discussing when we want to do the next IVF cycle.  Given an A-ok by the new RE, we have pretty much settled on December.  I was initially concerned because work is out of control busy but DH helped me put that in perspective, relatively quick.  :o) 

It is hard for me to, well, think about ME.  I am very, Type-A....need a plan, need others to have a plan, need to always give my all, need to be dependable, reliable, involved in the planning, ETC...  Did I mention, I am the oldest of my family?  I LOVE that he didn't give me an option.  He knows it is time for us to move forward.

So as my job duties have exploded in the past few weeks, I have been wondering how to break the news to my boss that I might need to be gone for 3-4 wks in Dec.  Thankfully, she knows our story and struggles.  I mentioned in passing about a consult with a new clinic.  She brought it up earlier this week and asked me where things stand.  I took the opportunity to spill the "plan".  She hugged me and immediately was supportive and assured me, we'd make it work.  Whatever it takes.  WHEW!

CD 13 ~ + OPK

My RE's office checks their messages at 7:30am on Sat and Sun.  I woke both mornings between 7am - 7:25am this weekend (without an alarm clock) to take a OPK with FMU.  Both were negative.  This morning, I was grouchy that for the 2nd morning in the row that I was able to sleep in, I couldn't.  Isn't it funny how our subconscious works?

Although the RE's office said I only need to test in the morning, the past few months, my + has shown up in the evening.  I took another OPK this evening and got a :o)  I will call the RE tomorrow, although we have decided to BD and not do an IUI this round.  We have made the decision to save the $ for our pursuit of IVF in the near future.  Our consultation with the new clinic is 11/5.

And for the record, I had an insane work schedule this past week.  This next week is not much better but I hope to deal with things better since I'll be without the Clomid.  It made me tired, whiney and grouchy. 

CD 1 ~ Clomid cycle

AF arrived today.  I called our RE today.  We are proceeding with a clomid cycle with OPKs and bd'ing.  I go for a baseline u/s on Thursday.

In the meantime, we have scheduled a phone consultation with another clinic.  Since the results of my latest tests have put us out of the running for a shared risk IVF plan, we have been looking at our options.  I found this clinic who offers very reasonable packages for multiple IVF cycles.  Their ART stats are good and they seem to do a lot of cycles.  Excited to be moving forward!

********************

In other exciting news, a good friend (who I met because of our infertility struggles) gave birth today to twins, 1 boy and 1 girl.  I am so proud of you Lindsay for finding the strength to push through the dark days and keeping the hope that some day, today would arrive!  So happy for you and Steve, love you girl!

AMH Results

Our RE's office called on Friday, 9/17, with my AMH results ~ we were out of town for fun weekend in Chicago and I called them back on Monday, 9/20.  Isn't it funny how things happen sometimes?  They ALWAYS call my cell but this time they didn't.  Glad, they didn't.  It would have ruined our weekend.  This way, it just ruined our week.  AMH = .48

AMH is basically a measure of ovarian reserve.  At our consult, RE told us that 2-4 is "good" and <1 is "bad".  In his experience, 50% of IVF cycles with AMH <.75 are cancelled due to poor response.

Needless to say, this week has been tough.  Until recent months, it seemed that MFI was our challenge and we had a glimmer of hope.  Now, it is a different situation and I feel we are at a crossroad.  My head is spinning and my emotions are out.of.control.  The tears are flowing as I write this and think about the reality of never having our biological child.

2 years later & P4

It has been 2 years since I started this blog to capture our journey.  Never thought we would still be here, trying to have a baby.  While some things are different, much is still the same....hell, the most important piece of this is still the same ~ no baby.  :(

So, where are we at these days?

Tests ~ I had b/w yesterday for a baseline progesterone (luteal phase) and AMH.  My progesterone results CD 21 (7dpo) = 16.9 (the nurse said anything >10 is "good").  Still waiting on the AMH.  Pending these results, we hope to do a natural cycle next month with progesterone support.

Financially ~ Our house has been FSBO for about 18 months.  The market here is terrible and each day, it seems there is another house or 2 for sale.  Our hope was to sell our house and use the profit to finance our next cycles.  We've had a few offers but none that would allow us this opportunity....so we have stayed put.  My job situation has complicated this 10x over with various changes but right now, it looks like it would be nice to reduce/eliminate my nearly 2-hour each way commute.  Of course, that affects DH's job and becomes a more complicated decision....that we haven't figured out yet.

Big picture ~ I don't know what tomorrow holds.  I don't know where this journey will take us.  I do know that I am trying to keep my faith in what will be, will be.

RE Consult

My last cycle was short and I ended up being able to do another round of CD 3 tests last Friday (8/20). We had scheduled our RE consult to discuss the high FSH results for Tuesday, 8/24, so it worked out perfectly to have the latest results for our discussion. The nurse called on Monday, FSH = 12, E=33. YAY! :o) As RELIEVED as I felt, it was just as confusing...

We talked to our RE on Tuesday and here is his perspective:
*even though 12 is obviously better, 12 is borderline
*an isolated, elevated FSH is worrisome to him, it could be a sign of a potential problem
*12 doesn't say whether or not I'll get pregnant but when FSH gets to 25, "IVF is no benefit, absolutely no benefit" (CRINGE!)
*12 means a diminished response to stims - but it is good info to know and we can work with it - start with higher stims for a cycle
*there is nothing you can "do" to treat a high FSH
*there is nothing that we can attribute the high FSH to (diet, exercise, alcohol - I was worried about that since we had just got back from vacation)
*he thinks I should get AMH test - it is a cycle independent test (so he says, it doesn't matter if it is taken in a different cycle)
*AMH is a blood test and he thinks a good test to compliment the FSH. If it is <1, then we have reason to be concerned for POF.

Since the early miscarriages in the spring, I have been searching and reading as much information as I can. One topic that I have read a lot about is Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). I asked him about LPD because it seems in some cycles, my luteal phase is short.

He said the luteal phase is directly related to the follicular phase (before ovulation). If the follicles do not develop well, the luteal phase is shorter. He said he wrote an article that was published in 87-88 about this....he was talking over our heads for a bit but basically, he said there isn't a "test" to know if this is a problem - you just treat it as it is a problem. He said the treatment is adding progesterone support after ovulation. I said, well, I guess I'm asking if we can treat it as it is an issue because I think it may be. His thoughts on that:
*if we do a treatment cycle, then they would add progesterone support anyway
*if we want to do natural cycles, then sure, he would be fine with adding that 3 days after +OPK and then do HPT to see what happens

Finally, we asked about clomid for both of us. He said he wants to see DH's S/A first but that again, depending on what we wanted to do with cycling, he would be fine with me doing clomid.

So.....basically, I need AMH and a baseline progesterone test. DH needs a S/A to give us more information and determine where we go from here. We are a little frustrated because REALLY why didn't he just have the AMH done last wk when I did FSH???? If he knew that those 2 tests together would give us a better indication after the 25 FSH.....but WHATEVER, I'm trying to stay positive and see this as the next step for us that will lead us to a wonderful outcome!

June-July Re-cap, more bad news.

Cannot.believe.it.is.August!  I haven't kept up here or the IF boards.  Honestly, I've tried to "forget" about all things TTC for the past month or so....yeah, not working so well.

After our June RE consult, we did much talking about what "we should do".  July was shaping up to be a busy month....we had a long-weekend away planned and a 2-week vacay.  To avoid dampening our spirits, we decided to put off my Day 3 blood work.

We spent the 4th of July in the Disney World area and made note of all the places "we will bring our child someday."  That evening, we caught a ride to WDW, purchased a few adult beverages, and found "the perfect spot" on the beach of Seven Seas Lagoon to watch the fireworks and water parade.  We were bummed they only lasted 11 minutes!

The next week, we were home for 5 days and then off on our 2-week hiatus to St. John, USVI.  Even though Tropical Storm Bonnie made for some interesting weather, we had a fabulous time.  We ventured to the BVI and explored new places.  We celebrated our 34th and 35th birthdays.  We ate lots of yummy food, laughed a lot, and enjoyed our time together.  The beaches were as gorgeous as ever and we just love, love, LOVE the islands!

As our vacation was coming to an end, AF arrived.  Impeccable timing.  Since I planned an extra vacay day before I returned to work and that just happened to be CD 3, we decided to move forward with the tests on 7/26.  Our RE's office called the next day with the results:  FSH = 25.3 and estrogen >30.  FSH should *ideally* be <10.  RE wants to "talk".  I don't want to hear what he has to say.  I don't want to hear about donor egg as our next option. 

At our June consult, he briefly mentioned donor egg as we discussed getting the updated tests, b/w, and figuring out what was next.  My heart sank then, I was offended that he "went there." And now, here.we.are.

We have an appointment in a few weeks but I don't know if I even want to go.  If I could go.  Physically, I am fine.  Emotionally, I am not.  From the outside, I am fine.  On the inside, I am not.

Moving Forward, Etc.

Long time, no post.  Where to start?  The pregnancy ended in a natural miscarriage.  AF arrived on 4/30...which in itself brought crap-load of emotions.  We were in such a *good* place before that roller coaster...and then....

5/28 came and went.....AF was late again.  5/30 brought us another +HPT (DH insisted on waiting 2 days).  I called the RE's office to schedule beta for the next day.  Then, AF arrived that evening!  Blah!

We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on 6/5!  We went to a casino resort for a weekend getaway!  It was wonderful and DH got extra points for my spa package!  :)

We ended the relaxing weekend with a visit to the RE on 6/7 to discuss the recent events and future plans.  We asked our questions about what could have happened with the pregnancies, RPL and other testing.  RE is cautious about RPL testing since these were such early losses.  He feels that we need more information to make a more informed decision.  We agree.  So.....we did a baseline beta for me that day (result is 0, since the recent +HPT); I will re-do CD3 testing next cycle; DH will have a new SA.  From there, we will decide if we want to try on our own a few more months, pursue genetic testing, or do IUI with/without meds. 

To complicate matters, DH has been having problems with his back again.  This has led to meds that may affect his counts and a cortisone injection is on the horizon.  The injection steroid may affect his counts, too.....so his SA will be all about the timing.  And then, if it isn't good ~ I know we will have questions as to whether the meds affected it. 

When is timing not an issue when TTC and IF?  :(  The complications continue...

Monday's update

I stopped the prometrium yesterday.  It is odd not to take something that is supposed to help.  But I also do not want to delay the inevitable if that is the way this is supposed to unfold.

Today, I had a few twinges/aches but nothing major.  My bb's are still sore and I felt a little nauseous this morning.  And most of all, still no AF.  Hmmm, I wonder if she'll show tomorrow?

My SIL called today to check on me.  I am glad she cares and called but it was awkward.  Basically, she was concerned that my doc was making me wait until Thurs to do b/w and not doing an u/s.  Honestly, she was kind of adamant about it.  After she stopped talking, I said, "Well, it's too early.  Today is 5wks 1day."

She said, "Oh, I didn't realize that."

Yeah, we are the crazy people who were SO EXCITED that we were finally pregnant that we blabbed to the whole world at 4wks 3 days!!  What were we thinking?!?

3 days to go...

Roller Coaster of a Week

Just been living life the past few months and not focusing on TTC and IF...I needed a break.  I have been busy with work and all that comes with starting a new program.  I started working out and going to the gym regularly; just taking it day by day.  Until this week...

I realized last Sunday evening that AF was due any time.  I had been ill the previous week and with stress from work, I thought that was delaying her arrival.  Tuesday morning (4/20), I woke up with what seemed like AF cramps.  I took some ibuprofen and went about my day.  By the afternoon, my mind was racing.  Still, no AF.  On my way home, I bought HPTs.  I took one when I got home and to my SHOCK it read "Pregnant"!  We were in a daze! 

On Wednesday morning (4/21), I called my RE's office and went in for a beta.  1st beta = 77.2 and p4 = >40  These are great #'s!  I went back on Friday morning (4/23) for another beta and not such good news....2nd beta = 77.6 and p4=18.  The RE said it didn't look good for this to be a viable pregnancy and wanted me to come back today/Sunday (4/25).  I asked about progesterone supplement since the p4 dropped so much.  They gave me a RX for prometrium (suppository).  Today's #'s 3rd beta = 77.9 and p4 = 32.5.

I had a different nurse than during the week.  I asked her when she was taking my blood if the prometrium would cause the p4 to rise anyways even if the hcg didn't?  She said no because it is a suppository and it provides the p4 support but not enough to absorb into my blood yet.  DH asked her about the twin theory (if both implanted but then 1 wasn't making it causing the p4 to drop and hcg to remain the same)....she said she absolutely thinks that is a possibility; however, though since this wasn't an IVF cycle, the chances of twins are diminished.  We told her that actually twins run on DH's side of the family...his aunts, our nieces, etc. So....she was like, well then definitely that could be a possibility. She said if the #'s do not rise or go down, then we'll have to monitor it and see what happens.  She mentioned the ectopic possibility, too.

So when she called, she said the hcg remained basically unchanged at 77.9 and p4 at 32.5. The RE thinks that the prometrium may have caused the rise in the p4 and may be delaying mother nature's work (miscarriage) (which contradicts what the nurse first told us this morning). So they want me to stop the prometrium and go back in 4 days (Thurs). The RE's feeling is that we'll see it drop or if something is awry right now, it should take off by then if it's going too.  And if not, they'll need to monitor it closely to see if it's ectopic.

So....guess what, we wait!  The story of our lives!  It figures it would go this way for us....nothing is ever easy!  Now I have 4 days to search the boards and internet for beta trends like this.

I'm doing okay....frustrated that it's going to be a long process to figure out what is going to happen but it is what it is. I am scared about the ectopic possibility because I've read lots of bad stories about those ~ so at this point, I am hoping that is NOT the case!  DH is doing okay....he's more frustrated about it than I am, I think.  I have read SO much on the board over the years that there are so many crazy situations and he doesn't have that.  I just keep telling him, it doesn't look good that this is going to be a healthy pregnancy. Although, anything could happen at this point, the majority of situations where the beta doesn't double do not turn out good.

The next 4 days are going to be the longest of my life!

Next Step

Thanks girls for the well wishes for DH.  He is doing well.  Thank goodness!

We have decided to seek a 3rd opinion on our situation.  We have two doctors on the list, Dr. Lev.ine in Chicago and Dr. Silb.er in St. Louis.  Both are urologists who specialize in MFI.  Does anyone have any experience with either?  Any other suggestions or recommendations of urologists or RE's?  We are willing to travel.  (Okay, I re-read this to proof before publishing and this sounds like a classified ad!  LOL)

In the meantime, we received a post card this week to call urologist #2's office to schedule an appointment.  We assume for a post-surgery follow-up.  We have not called yet....I guess you could say, we are apprehensive about having that appointment.  I mean, we want to ask him some hard questions, but at the same time, he is the only doctor locally who was willing to give Clom.id a try for DH.  Which we are still very interested in doing....if the repair does not help.

Varicocele Post-Surgery *Story*

As most bloggers do, I use this space to keep track of our treatment history.  This is what happened last week:

Last weekend (Jan 2-3rd), DH had swelling and pain in *the boys*.  We decided that I would call the urologist's office on Monday (they were closed for the holiday Thurs-Sun) and find out if we should be concerned and if the doc wanted to see him.  On Monday, Jan 4th, I forgot to take the doc's # w/ me so I looked it up online...just a general search.  The 1st # I found was busy...I tried a few times and it was still busy....so I started clicking on other web pages to see if there was another # or something....thought maybe I got the fax # or a different line (other than the main #) or whatever.

Well, one page I clicked on was an editorial about the doctor.  Of course, I started reading and my heart dropped.  It talked about these numerous malpractice suits he has had over his 25 yrs in practice, how his license was revoked in another state and how he was on probation here but a big named hospital stepped up to 'fight' for him (which I think he is now affiliated with - haven't got that figured out yet).  Needless to say, I was FREAKED OUT.  All I could think was WTF?

Then, I finally get through to the doc's office and find out he is on vacay until the 18th.  I tell them about DH's condition and ask about our options.  She said we could go to his primary doc, call this other urologist and see if they would see him (which happens to be urologist #1) or go the ER.

I talked to DH and he was hurting much more by then....he didn't want to go to doc #1 and we thought it was stupid to go to primary doc because he hasn't been involved in any of this. So, we opted for the ER. DH had to be at work the entire day to get holiday pay, so he stuck it out...

We go to the ER after work....they were great, got him in w/in 15 minutes and went straight to an eval room (skipped the triage, thank God!).  The nurse took all of the info and asked questions.  She gave him an iv w/ pain meds, took b/w and urine sample.  The ER doc came in and asked more questions and said he was sending him for u/s and then a urologist would come and talk to us and let us know what's going on.

Finally, we went to radiology and he had the u/s.  The tech was nice - young guy - mid-20's.  He talked through taking the pics and asked lots of questions.  He asked which side the varicocele was on and DH told him left.  I asked if he could see the repair?  He did not answer me.  (DH told me later the tech he made a face - his back was to me).  The tech went on asking about something else.  Then, he took pics of DH's groin area and made a comment about the location of the incision....we asked is that normal?  He said that he assists another urologist in surgery and he has never seen it that high. (Now, granted, he is young and docs have different approaches....yada, yada....but what??).   He leaves for a bit to go talk to the radiologist to see if the pics are 'good enough'.  While he was out of the room, we talked about it and decided we would push to get more answers about what he thinks he saw.....so he comes back and DH asks him if he could see the repair on the u/s?  He says, "Well, I am not supposed to say anything, but I like you.  It looks to me as if it is still there."  Can you say emotional?  I about lost it..... We asked, what do you mean?  He said that it looks like there is still a back up of blood or maybe there is another?  We were so shocked, we were speechless.....

Fast forward an hour or 2 later.....the ER doc comes in and tells us the b/w and urine look great, white and red counts fine....so no concern w/ infection.  He tells us that a urologist reviewed the u/s and 'things look fine', it just appears that things are settling from the surgery and that DH needs to take it easy for a few more days.  I asked if the urologist is coming to talk to us?  The ER doc said, no, he looked at the u/s and thinks it's okay...that they are going to check in w/ our doc's on-call doc and will be back....  I said, "he is on vacay remember - there is not an on-call person".....the ER doc was snotty, like "he has to have one, everyone does, don't worry - we'll find out." He comes back about 20min later and says "Well, it is very odd and not the norm, but he doesn't have anyone on-call for him. I double checked w/ the urologist here and we're going to give you a pain med and motrin for the inflammation."

We are such skeptics now which does not help....but there are a few things we found odd. First, the list of malpractice suits against this doc (we've done more research the past few days), that the tech said he thought he saw a varicocele, that the tech thought the incision was higher than usual, that a urologist was supposed to come and talk to us and then (after the u/s) does not, that the ER doc's attitude changed drastically.  It just made us leery of really what did they see? what did they think? I surely, SURELY hope and pray that if there was anything life threatening, they would have spoke up.  I wonder if they would tell us if otherwise, if something was 'botched' in some way.

DH took the rest of the week off of work to heal and recoup.  Today, he called and is feeling much better.  We are still unsure of our next step.  We talked last night about requesting copies of the u/s pre/post-surgery and going to another urologist for yet a 3rd opinion.  I am worried though that another urologist will not want to "get involved" especially if he knows this doc's litigation record.

Why are things ALWAYS so difficult for us????  Not the way I had envisioned starting the new year!  Blah!

2009 ~ Jaded

I have been off work the past 2 weeks and LOVING every minute of it. I am usually a work-a-holic. That's just my nature. It's okay though, I do love my job. I lead programs that help families help their infants/toddlers get the help they need if they have a disability or developmental delay. It is rewarding but there is always so much going on, so much to do. I am absolutely grateful for this low-key time spent with my DH, family and friends.

Of course, much of this time DH spent recovering. Therefore, the IF crap was at the forefront of my mind. I did a lot of thinking about how fast 2009 went...really, most of the year is a blur. Although we made a HUGE decision and tried to move forward by putting our house for sale, we did not make much progress on our TTC adventure until the past few months with the discovery of the varicocele. The other highlight of the year was celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in June. It is sad to think about. We are another year older, spent the last year of the decade floundering and still, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms. Blah!

I have spent the past few weeks catching up on reading blogs that I follow and discovering new IF-related ones. Also, I have been talking to some of my friends who have dealt/or dealing with IF and have picked up a feeling in these conversations. Jaded. Infertility, infertility, INFERTILITY, i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y.....has left us jaded!

Jaded about relationships, friendships, hope, happiness, the future, the past, pregnancy, after pregnancy, trying to conceive... You name it, I bet infertility has affected it in some way. I am living with IF now and all that comes with it. I HATE it. I thought, if we are ever able to cross the fence, living after IF would be easier. I am sure in many ways, it will be, but I am also coming to realize that in some ways, I am changed ~ forever.

So long 2009... I am looking forward to a new year, a new approach and the same dream! Happy New Year to all! May 2010 bring you health, hope and happiness!