"Better Appreciate"

DH's varicocele surgery was 2 days ago (Friday, 12/18). We were in and out in less than 3 hours. The doctor said the surgery went perfectly. DH will have a SA in 3 months and we will go from there. The incision is higher than we thought it would be...he was VERY happy about that! Still, he was very sore. He is feeling better this morning, so hoping that trend continues.

Last night, we were watching yet another movie and DH was moving around to get comfortable. He said, "You know, if we ever have kids, they better appreciate all we have went through to have them." I laughed and said, "And I think we will appreciate them more for all we have went through to have them."

Moments

We had the follow-up urology appointment on 11/23. The doc confirmed the varicocele and scheduled surgery for this Friday, 12/18. We will wait 3 months and do SA to determine if surgery helps DH's counts. If it does not help, the urologist will prescribe clomid for him. Trying to stay optimistic....but honestly, it is difficult.

My co-worker told me a few weeks ago she is preggo. Of course, they were not *trying* and she told me she felt bad telling me her news. I HATE awkward moments like that. You know, truly, I am happy for them. They do not take their fertility for granted. They had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and it took them *awhile* (about 1 year - which I'm sure felt like FOREVER to them....) to get pregnant again. They have a little one who just turned 1 year a few months ago. Anyways, I do not want people to feel bad telling me about their joy. I was pretty honest with her and tried to explain my feelings about it. I am not sure how much she believed me that I can be happy for her even though it is tearing me up on the inside. We have not talked about it since.

An odd, ironic situation happened for DH. He has problems with lower back pain and sees an orthopedic doctor. Well, he started seeing a new doc a few months ago at the same center and had an appointment on Friday. They were discussing an upcoming procedure and DH told the doc about his varicocele surgery. I guess the doc asked some questions and DH gave him the short story of our IF. The doc asked who our RE is and DH told him. The doc said, "Well, he is the reason I have two little girls." DH teared up and they continued a more detailed conversation of our journey.

We definitely need these moments to remind us that there is a plan for us.

Waiting, again.

We were not able to move up the follow-up appointment with the urologist. It is scheduled for 11/23. So until then, more waiting.

We have been talking about surgery to repair the varicoceles. We do not know for sure yet if this will be an option or recommended but if it is, we will definitely go this route. However, we will probably wait (there is that word again! :o) until the week before Christmas due to DH's work schedule and available time off. It will give him the longest period of recoup time before having to return to work.

We have had a couple of more calls on the house and a showing. Still, waiting. Our county continues to have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.....so it is no surprise the housing market is not really moving. There has been one home sold in our town in the past year or more. We are discussing options and probably will be doing some re-evaluation of them this weekend.

I just wish something was easy for us and went our way easily, just once.

U/S results and a realization

DH had the u/s yesterday. It looks like there is a varicocele on each side. The tech said she has seen worse, but thinks DH's is pretty bad. Not sure what it all means yet...

The follow-up urology appointment is a few weeks out. However, I am going to try to move it up to this week. Now, we are anxious to learn our options.

************

On a related note, my parents visited this weekend. At breakfast yesterday, we were discussing the u/s appointment. It was amazing to see how comfortable my DH was discussing his *parts* with them and amusing watching my dad cringe at my DH's description of a varicocele repair!

Wow, it is crazy how far we have come on this journey! There is no shame in this game! :)

Learning more...

We had the "2nd opinion appt" with a urologist on Tuesday.

First things first, he does not feel like DH needs to be concerned with prostate cancer right now. He did a brief check of his prostate, no concerns. Even though there is family history (his dad and dad's dad), he thinks waiting until 40yrs is an appropriate measure and DH's concerns of *possible symptoms* are related to caffeine intake. So, whew!

We discussed IF and our journey thus far. He asked DH to stand up while we talked and he would tell us why later. He reviewed DH's previous test results (SA's, hormones, etc.) and asked if he had been checked. We explained yes, but it was very brief and that's why we are here....for a 2nd opinion. Listened to a few IF stories of past patients and then he did a physical exam. He asked if we had heard of a varicocele? I think I shouted, YES! He explained it a bit and told me to "come here". DH in all his glory is standing there (poor guy! I told him later, now you know what I've been through ;-) and the doc shows us how to check for it and what he feels is a varicocele. He goes on to say that he had DH stand because it would be easier to feel the varicocele because it would bulge like a varicose vein. That the back-up of blood causes the testes to "over heat" therefore impacting sperm production, quality, etc.

He ordered an u/s of the area to confirm the mass is a varicocele. Then, he can do a minor surgery to repair it. He is VERY supportive of clomid for men and said he would be willing to prescribe immediately after the fix or if we wanted to wait and see if the procedure improves DH's counts on its own before starting the clomid - it is our decision. He cautioned us that there are no guarantees that either will work.

Needless to say, we left there with mixed emotions. Ecstatic at what we learned but pissed off that the previous urologist did not detect it AND our RE recommended us to him because he was supposed to be *the best*. And icing on the cake is that when I called the 1st urologist last month to ask about Clomid - they told me the doc didn't really deal w/ MFI and that they would refer us to Dr. B (our RE). It sucks that it feels like infertility is this *big $$ business* that some times doctors forget or don't care that couples are often dealing with so many other facets of their life that are affected by IF. And then when things like this happen (that this was missed or maybe, it wasn't there last year), we've become such skeptics it feels like you've been betrayed.

Nevertheless, I am thankful the "c" word is NOT in our immediate future/concern. I am thankful that we may have found a cause for MFI and the urologist said no worries about Kleinfelters, Turners or "any others". I am glad DH is getting to experience some of the "bear all moments" and procedures. Most of all, I am hopeful that the u/s next week will confirm the varicocele and we can move forward!

Next appt...

We have the urologist appointment on Tuesday this week to discuss MFI, SA, etc. This doc is local and deals more with MFI so we are hoping for some direction. On a related note, we are going to find out if DH should be tested for prostate cancer. His dad was diagnosed in August and had his prostate removed last month. They have talked about the symptoms and DH's current health and we have some concern that maybe the MFI is related?? Not sure, but definitely, we want to have the conversation.

Nervous, anxious, hopeful ~ for some thing.

"What Faith Can Do"

Found that song I heard the other day... Dealing with infertility has challenged me on so many levels, especially, my faith. This song spoke to my heart. I needed it the other day. I need it today.

The glimmer faded.

Well, today was GREAT in many ways: received news of a contract extension, received news of a brand new contract award, passed an audit and, MOST importantly, DH cooked dinner! Yay! Love that guy!

Bad news. Just received word back from the (stupid) people who made the offer that their original offer *stands*. UGH! We came down 4K and they stand by their offer of about 10% less than our last appraisal?? Um, no thanks.

So, we wait. We will wait and see what comes our way next.

On my way home today, I had the radio off for awhile just trying to clear my mind of all the business of the day. I turned it on about 1/2 way home and my radio was on a local Christian station that I have on my preset...I forgot I was listening to it this morning on the way in. This song I've never heard was just coming on and it spoke to my heart. I love when things like that happen. At that very moment, that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! Now, I need to find the artist/CD and listen to that song every day! :-)

No news, yet.

Notta, nothing, zilch! It hasn't been quite 24 hours yet (still have about 7 minutes :-)

Don't they know I am not a patient person! My patience tapped out a long time ago!!!

Waiting, of course.

UGH!

A glimmer of hope

Guess what?! Sue, your vibes are working! Thank you, hun!

We got an offer today! Not a wow, OMG, get all excited kind of offer, but nonetheless, it IS an offer! That is my 1/2-full-kind of attitude. DH was not too happy with it though...

We countered tonight. Not getting too excited, just going with it. Another twist in this roller coaster of my life!

Keeping Busy

I have been so busy with work again the past few weeks that I cannot believe it is October! I expect it will be this way for quite some time. The good news, it keeps my mind busy with work-related things and not dwelling on baby-making things!

I went to my obgyn appt earlier this week to talk about clomid for DH. He was unable to go with me which bothered me, but turned out better I think because my doc was very open with our conversation and asked questions that she may not have if he was sitting there. Bottom line, she said that she is not comfortable prescribing clomid for him and not monitoring him just in case he had some side effects or something. Fair enough. She asked me if he has seen a urologist ~ and I explained that yes, but the urologist doesn't address male fertility. She asked if I had heard of this other doc ~ no, I had not. She asked if I was interested in visiting with him? Sure, he's local. She called his office right then, asked if they were taking new patients and gave me his contact info. Talked it over with DH afterwards and we just need to call and schedule an appt now. It will be one more step, one more appointment to look forward too.

Nothing new on selling the house. We lowered the list price by 6K last week and have not had a single call. UGH! Each day, I go back and forth on if we should sell.... Could we stick it out here, live this tightly and not seek more treatment for a few years? Some days, I think we could. Other days, no way! Yesterday, I was thinking maybe. Today, I am thinking nope! I imagine this is what bipolar must feel like! LOL

Broke my heart.

My BIL is in a new serious relationship and his g/f has a young daughter. Last night, he posted new pics on FB of them at the beach, circus and fair. In some of the pictures, he looks like my DH especially at a quick glance. My heart hurt. My eyes filled with tears.

It is supposed to be us! We have been together for 10 years! We have been trying to have a child for 5 years!!!!!

We are not that close to his family. So, we have not met the g/f or daughter, yet. Truthfully, I do not know if I want to. I do not know if I could keep my emotions in check. All of his siblings have children now (or in his case, have a child in his life).

It is only September and I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. We have vacation time we need to use.... Maybe, we will conveniently schedule some get-a-aways over the holidays and skip'em this year.

IF in the news

This column was in the NY Times on Thursday. I am glad it was shared. I wish more was publicized and discussed about IF and the challenges couples, and men and women in general, face when dealing with IF.

However, once I started reading the comments posted, I remembered why people choose not to share. I remember why most of us in the IF blog-world or on boards choose to stay underground and deal with our grief in a private or semi-anonymous way. I am amazed at the judgement people pass on others when they may or may not understand that person's struggles.

Thank you, Shelagh, and all of my fellow IF bloggers for sharing your stories. Just know, for those of us that can relate, it does make a difference. It gives us some sort of peace to know that we are not alone in this.

More questions, no more answers.

This week, I have found out the urologists do things differently. Not sure why, but obviously, they do. On the forum, I chatted with some girls dealing with MFI and their DHs' urologist prescribed clomid to help increase counts.

My DH saw a urologist in the midst of all of our blood tests, work-ups, etc. pre-IVF. Our RE recommended it and the urologist. It was a very "brief" physical exam and then, we followed up with our RE. They discussed the urologist's opinion and said there were no structural concerns. End of story - proceed with IVF.

Well, after learning of other's experiences and really not knowing exactly what my DH's urologist checked/or didn't check - I decided to do some homework. I called his office yesterday and asked a few questions.

First, he does not specialize in fertility-related issues. (Oh, really? Wondering why we were sent to this guy? He was supposed to be "so great" according to our RE's office.)

If he has a patient with fertility concerns, he refers them on to a specialist - usually, our RE. (Oh, how convenient.)

I tell her about my conversations with some other women who's DH's have MFI and ask, he doesn't prescribe or offer clomid to men? The nurse says no, that would be dealt with the RE. (Oh, wonderful.)

So, what exactly did/does he check during our brief visit and his exam? Structure? Varicoceles? The nurse asks me to hold a few minutes while she reviews my DH's chart. (Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo-doo, Doo)

She returns to tell me it looks like structurally, all was good. No varicoceles. The urologist did not recommend any follow-up tests. Just to follow what the RE recommends.

Well, our RE recommended IVF w/ ICSI. BUT.....we did not try anything else. Nothing was offered. Nothing was discussed. What if we would like to try clomid? Just to see.....(because those pills are darn cheap!) DH wants to wait and talk to my Obgyn before we call our RE. I agree, so we will wait a few more weeks.

On a side note, my FIL (56yrs old) was diagnosed with progressive prostate cancer last month. He had surgery this past week that removed his prostate. He is doing well. FIL and DH talked about it and they think he (my DH) should be checked out now as there is a family history. FIL wonders if maybe there is something there related to MFI..... So, I brought this up to the urologist's nurse at the end of our conversation. The urologist was out yesterday but she is going to have him review DH's chart and call us next week.

We have more questions and no more answers, so frustrated. And I am so emotional today.

Congrats, Karla!

2 posts in one day....I know, it might be a blog faux-paux but I want to send a fabulous shout-out!

A special friend saw her dream of motherhood come true this week. We met a little over a year ago on the forum during our 1st IVF cycles. Neither were successful, but as we IF'ers do, she pushed on in her quest. Some from our cycle group kept in touch and it is amazing at how this difficult journey can bring women together to support and connect with each other. Over a year later, many of us keep in touch. Some have moved to the *other side* and some of us are still struggling. Nevertheless, our friendships have blossomed and grew. This week, Karla joined the ranks of "Mommy" when she and her DH welcomed their baby girl to this world on Thursday.

*******************************

Dear Karla,
Wow, I cannot believe how fast the past 9 months have gone! It seems like yesterday that you were telling us of your crampiness and moodiness. You were all upset because you thought your natural cycle was a bust and then.....you got a BFP! And now, the rest is history!

You have made it hun! You have made it through 9 months of worry, stress and emotions! I am so proud of you! And I am so happy for you and John as you begin this new chapter in your life! You are an amazing woman of strength, courage and inspiration!

Enjoy every second with your baby girl and this very special time in your life! I know you will cherish these memories. Congratulations, Mommy!!!!

Love ya girlie,
Angie

Something to focus on....

Seems like forever since we have actually *done* anything to deal with IF. We have been in limbo hell for almost a year now. Crazy, how time flies. The clock seems to tick faster these days, too. :-(

DH and I have been talking (of course!) about what we CAN do right now. We decided to investigate clomid for men. (Side note: Ever heard of it? Ever did it? If so, please comment and share your story!) Anyway, I have read posts on the forum about this awhile ago and right now, of course, when I am trying to seek information, there is not much. Regardless, we scheduled an appointment to talk to my Obgyn about the options (or not) with it. She just returned from maternity leave (very fitting, eh?) so it will be about 4 weeks before we see her. Actually, just checked the date, it is 1 month from today exactly! 9/29. So we have one month to gather info and be prepared to discuss this with her. She is a very approachable and reasonable woman, so I think if we can find enough info to support our interest, she will oblige.

In other news, there is no new news on the house-selling front. Yipes! I think I might need to follow through on burying the statue of St. Joseph that my dear friend, Lindsay, gave me a few months ago. Silly me, I thought we would not need it! :-)

what if?

I spent the past week out of town for work and my mom went along for the ride. Even though I worked during the day, it was nice to spend some 1/1 time with her in the evenings. It does not happen often as we live about 3 hrs away from our hometown. We relished in good shopping and good food.....it was nice to just hang out with her.

More than once during our trip, I found myself making comments about "if" we have kids....then this or that. UGH. It hurt. It hurt then. It hurts now. It hurts to write it. Of course, I had my game face on and did not let on to the hurt.....just rolled my eyes as I said it. IF and treatment was pretty much non-existent in our conversations.

One evening, 2 of my co-workers/friends joined us for dinner. Both who know more than the average person about our situation. One who cried with me on the phone the day after we found out the IVF didn't work. As they were about talking about their kids and this or that about babies (both have children under 9mos), I felt overly-sensitive by the conversation. It bothers me that I felt this way. Usually, our conversations revolve around work, spouses and their children. But this time, it felt awkward, almost hurtful. Not that they were intending to hurt me, just me hurting, longing for what they have.

Just got me thinking, what *if* I don't?

IF sucks. IF and all of the crap that goes with it sucks.

Rational

DH and I have talked, talked and talked this weekend about our situation...I am quite happy he was in a talkative mood (do you find your DH's have some good talkative days and some not so good, too ;-) I REALLY needed that. We have decided to be rational about our situation and move forward with selling the house. We rejected the offer from this week because it was almost 13% less than our asking price...we did not counter because we felt we were too far away on $$. So....we will hang tight, and see what happens. We are cautiously optimistic. We had another call and scheduled another showing for tomorrow evening. (Fingers crossed, please!)

Lurked around some more today on new blogs (to me) and my desire to go straight to CCRM is only cemented. In my head, it's like monopoly, I keep thinking, "Do not pass go. Go straight to CO!" It will be an exciting day when we are able to make that trip...

Today, I was thinking about my niece. She is the youngest grandchild on my side of our family and she turned 7yrs last week. I wonder if my parents gave any thought this week as to when they may have a new grandchild? I know, I did. I had tons of cousins growing up and I have so many good memories. I always expected that for my children, too. Not so sure if that will be the case. Most of our siblings have kids now except my newly married sis and DH's bro who is now in a newly-serious relationship with someone who has a daughter from a previous relationship. DH mentioned the other day he wonders about his bro's fertility.....only time will tell, I guess.

Confused

That is me right now. There are so many unknowns swirling around me.....I am dizzy.

Work has been incredibly busy for me the past few months....which has been good because it has kept my mind off other things and I've stayed away from the blogs and forum....but work has slowed now AND I am feeling an urgency to catch up on the IF world....

We listed our house 4 sale in April - only a few calls and 1 offer (which then fell through) until a few wks ago.... Now, we have had 3 showings in the past 2 weeks and an offer yesterday. Should be good news - but now, I am 2nd guessing - should we suck it up and stay put?? Can we swing the $$ and extend ourselves with a huge loan for shared-risk IVF cycle? Wait, not can we, because we can - but SHOULD we? Is it responsible? It seems things (the recession) is getting better - my job and DH's are secure.

What have others done? Have you threw it all in to have it all?

I had been thinking, we sell the house (the materialistic) and then we would have lots of breathing room with $$. Also, we had the opportunity to move to STL. Well, the opportunity has passed for now. So, if we sell, then we end up staying in the same area and without our nice home.

Am I being selfish???

It feels that way at some moments, but also I feel like we deserve it, too. We have worked so hard to be where we are....

Spent some time lurking yesterday ~ and wow, I have missed so much. There are so many IF bloggers who are now pregnant....which adds to my anxiety and desire to jump in now....not to mention, my b-day was last week....3-3. Seriously? and no babies/children? Never dreamt of this story.

p.s. Oh, previous posts DR pics - we went on vacay to the Dominican Republic in June for our 5th wedding anniversary! Sorry....I was using the blog to share pics with some friends who knew about it....didn't think to explain *DR*! :-)

DR prof pics!

DR vacay pics!

Linz - inspired by U! ;-)

Where we've been...

They say, "A picture is worth a 1,000 words." Here are a few pictures to note what we have been up to the past few months.

Change of Latitude (and Attitude ;-) in the DR
Celebrating our 5th Wedding Anniversary

Planning and celebrating my parents' 25th wedding anniversary!

Enjoying the 4th of July in Daytona Beach!

Where did April go?

BUSY time - I have been MIA for over a month. I have dropped in now and then - but really just lurking. Life has been busy.

I found out the last week in March that a HUGE proposal for work was successful and it means major expansion for my department - to St. Louis (STL). I have been working like crazy on the new project and my normal job. Been traveling back and forth. In the midst of this, we have the opportunity to move to STL and I could lead the new project implementation.

Also, we had been coming to terms with our situation during the winter months. After our failed cycles last year, we knew to take our next "baby" steps - we needed to sell our house. So here we are. The house is "for sale". It is a huge burden lifted off our shoulders to know that we have made this decision and took this step.

The next BIG decision will be once the house sells - do we stay here? Or move to STL? I have a strong desire to move but it may all depend on timing. The project implementation date is 7/1; however, we are hiring people this month. My boss has given me a Memorial Day timeline to decide. I have a feeling May is going to be a roller coaster of emotions.

Looking forward to catching up with everyone! Happy May Day!

Responsible or Carefree?

I have been all over the place with my emotions lately and not had the words to say how I feel. The simple words to describe how I felt are: speechless. hopeless. darkness. confused. sad. Just plain sad. I have tried to disconnect to help myself, but it has not made it better. Honestly, I am in the flux of limbo and I am tired of it.

For awhile, I have been thinking about talking to a professional - counselor or therapist - someone experienced with IF. It is difficult to find someone in small-town America who fills this criteria - so I sought out online options. I found a few sites of professionals who deal with IF. One site really touched my heart. The lady does fertility and life coaching and facilitates fertility group tele-coaching sessions. I participated last week. The coaching session was the 3rd in a series of Support for Mind/Spirit/Body on the Fertility journey. We talked about tuning into, listening and taking care of our bodies. Preparing our bodies to receive our future child(ren). It was nice to participate in a session and connect with other women who are dealing with IF struggles.

The session left me needing more. Needing more time to talk about me. Me, myself and I. So, I had a follow-up call with the coach this past weekend. It was really good. A breaking point for me in our conversation was when she asked me to "close my eyes and what do you see?" (I was listening to beach music, so I was immediately there). She asked what I saw - the water, the sand, people - families, adults, kids. She asked what was missing - my family, my children.... She asked, what else? - I paused, the sun - the SUN was missing from my day dream. How can there be a beach with no sun? :-( We kept talking....

We talked about many things but the most important, my take-away for the conversation was:

"Responsibility can be carefree and carefree can be responsible."

Lately, I have found myself drowning in responsibility in many ways. To hear this, to realize this, to be told this ~ is just what I needed to hear. I have a strong desire to live carefree (or at the very least, *feel* carefree). I am working on ways to live this combo ~ responsible & carefree. I am taking my first steps in this direction and focusing on ME.

p.s. I am sure I have missed A LOT in blogland the past few weeks. I cannot wait to catch up! :-)

Tagged!

Joining blogland a few months ago was a huge step for me to connect with others dealing with IF and support each other on our journies. It is definitely something missing IRL for me. I am constantly amazed at how I can open my blogroll and have the feeling that I could have wrote those words at some point or another. I am forever grateful to have this outlet.

I have been "tagged" to share 10 Honest things about myself .I usually shy away from these types of things (get-to-know you emails, tags, etc.) but I am actually excited to have this opportunity, too! It has been great learning more about everyone else who has done this so far. Thanks Momsoon and A Good Egg!!

First, here are the rules:
1) Choose at least 7 blogs you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Link to these blogs and leave them a comment that they were tagged! The image above is your official award!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So, I'm tagging the following blogs:
What to Expect When You're Not Expecting
Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood
The Infertility Journey to Motherhood
Our Life in a Nut Chell
Hopes, Dreams, and the in between
Adventures in Baby Making
Confessions of Infertile Myrtle

In no particular order, here are my 10 honest scraps!

1. Before I started my job 10 years ago working with children birth-3years, I was terrified of newborns! And ironically enough, now I just cannot wait to hold my own!

2. Since my teens, I have had reoccuring *bad dreams* about seeing an airplane crash (various situations, places, etc. ). I am never in the plane, just a witness. (anyone a psychologist?)

3. I am not sure domestic adoption is something I am interested in. I am terrified the child or the birth parent will want to reconnect one day - I do not think my heart could handle it. :-(

4. My bio-dad was killed in an auto-accident before I was 1-year-old....and I have never had contact with his family. My mom and I have NEVER talked about it. My aunt and I did, one time. For the most part, I am okay with it.....but sometimes, I wonder WHY? Why wouldn't his family want to know me?

5. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship with a jerk from high school.....in fact, we were engaged near the end of college (he proposed on vacation ~ how do you say "let me think about it" or "no" while on vacation???) ~ THANK GOD things happened that made me realize I had the strength to break-away..... Have never looked back ~ I was really stupid back then.

6. I always wanted to be an attorney ~ somedays, I wish I would have followed that dream.

7. For the past few years, I have wanted to get my MBA....but I have chosen to put that aside and focus on our TTC journey. (We cannot afford to do both at the same time!)

8. DH and I lived together for 5 years before we were married.

9. I have really not cared about my weight for the past 5 years or so because I *thought* I would be pg soon and it wouldn't matter......now, I totally regret this and hope to find a consistent workout routine, SOON!

10. I need a *change of scenery* ~ I love my job, but I want to move somewhere different!

Catching Up

I have been MIA this week busy with work. I have spent most of today catching up on the boards and blogs. There is so much going on!

There is something in the air with my friends that I've met on the boards. One of them had a beta of 137 yesterday! One had a few +HPTs (her beta is tomorrow). And another one's beta is tomorrow and her signs sound promising, too! She has stayed away from POASing. So, please keep these girls in your thoughts!

On the blogs, there is a lot of action, too. Many are starting cycles or in their 2ww! It is crazy how fast things seem to go. I am hopeful that some day soon, we will get to join in the action!

In other good news, we are now a little more secure! Since we had several thousand $$ of medical expenses last year, our federal tax refund is several thousand dollars and posted to our account this morning! YAHOO! Now, how to spend it???

*We have talked about immediately going full force with another single cycle. (but we REALLY want to do a shared-risk plan)

*We have dreamt about going to the islands tomorrow.

We have reasoned that we should probably save it as a nest egg until we figure out what the future holds for us.

*Are we going to lose an income? (DH's job is a bit uncertain with the economy)

*Are we going to be able to sell our house?

*Are we going to relocate?

So many questions - no answers. Not yet. While we wait, I will try to step back and savor the small joys in my life! (Thanks, Retro Girl!)

A Service Fee...

Yep, that's what our clinic said.

"It is not a discount, nor a kickback, it is a service fee."

Yeah, whatever.

Their explanation is that their administrator and C One has an arrangement. Since C One pays so timely and the funds are EFT into the clinic's account, the clinic's administrator has made this agreement that C One keeps 5% off the top. It is a "service fee" for their timely and immediate EFT payment.

No patient advocate. DH called yesterday and spoke to the financial person first. Then, he says, let me put my wife on the phone so you can explain it to her. I was probably the rudest person I have ever been in my life (I am sure it did not help that I was PMS-ing and AF arrived this morning). And she gave me that lame explanation.

It really is not about the money because we knew what the IVF package price was and agreed to pay it. It is the fact that they are doing this without disclosing this practice to their customers. It is TOTALLY wrong and unethical, IMO.

I told her, "I cannot believe you have not been sued over this!"

She said, "Really? Why? I guess I don't understand what you mean?"

I said, "We signed documents saying that C One would pay XXXXXX to Dr. XXXXX. We agreed to make payments to them for this amount. And now, we find out that you did not actually receive that amount from C One? What isn't clear here?"

She kept going back to "it's an arrangement that our administrator and C One has made". She assured me, "that this arrangement is so that the patient is not burdened with making sure the payment is to us and you still receive your treatment."

So.....I do not know if we are going to pursue anything else. Maybe, a letter to our RE just expressing our concern about this practice. It just does not leave a good impression of their so-called patient-friendly care when you find out after the fact that they have an "under-the-counter deal" with the financing company, you know?

Scam?

We requested our 2008 statement from our clinic a few weeks ago for taxes. It was THE MOST CONFUSING document I have EVER seen! Now, I think they do that on purpose. It was not in any type of order...you know, by date, service, payments vs. charges, etc.....notta, nothing.

So, as we tried to figure out how our payments were credited (loan $ vs. OOP $ vs. insurance $ for lap surgery) VS. clinic charges - we used the totals at the bottom - that are divided by responsible party charges, credits, balance. I figured we could handle that, wrong! DH insisted we meet with them in person to understand the bill because from what we could tell, we were overcharged about $900.

Well, that meeting was this morning. And guess what? According to their records, they did not overcharge us. HOWEVER, they did give our lender for the loan (Capi.tal O.ne Heal.thcare) a 5% kickback for "paying so quickly" - and (wait, it gets better!) guess who paid the 5% kickback??? We did!!!!!!!!!! WTF????????

C One basically took 5% of the total loan amount right off the top - and then sent the balance to our clinic. So, not only are we paying them interest (a significant amount I might add), they got an additional 5% of the total loan for "paying so quickly". DH and I are pissed!

We did not discuss it until we got to the parking lot because I don't think it really "sunk in" what she said.....but the more we talked, the more it made sense.

Has anyone heard of such a thing? Has anyone used C One?

The only thing we can think of is that the clinic might offer a 5% cash discount - however, IMO, they should be giving that to us as the customer, not the lender. It is our credit, our money, etc.

Impatient!

That is one word that describes me, period. I know this. I have accepted this. I am trying to work on it. But it is eating at me.....especially the past few days. The future is uncertain in a lot of ways for us and I am stressing about it.

Since our failed IVF, we knew we would need to make some financial decisions to cycle again. The first of which would be to sell our house. We need the equity out of our house to pay off our IVF loan and other debt to get to a point where we are debt free. We are in the process of preparing our house to put it on the market.

After the house sells, we are not sure what will happen.....we are not *tied down* here. We have no family here. We moved here almost 7 years ago for job opportunities and to grow our wings, so to speak. And now, here we are. I feel like we are at a crossroads.

We have contemplated moving to a mandated state and taking new jobs. In fact, DH made a few contacts last fall. Last week, one of the companies laid off thousands of people. So, it looks like that may be a different story now.

I may have an opportunity with my current company for advancement with an expansion project that would require us to move to another state. It is in a mandated state. Although my benefits would remain the same, if DH got a job with IF benefits that would work out perfectly. My company is waiting to hear about this....we will have to go through a negotiation phase, but this would be ready to implement July 1st. With the economy, DH is worried that he might have difficulty finding a job, let alone one with IF benefits.

If we stay in the area, we would keep our current jobs. We make a decent living. After some serious number crunching this weekend, we are pretty sure we would be able to afford IVF again once we sell our house and pay off our other debt. Actually, we could do shared-risk and maybe even afford CCRM OOP. (Although, the more I research, the more I am not so sure this is what I want to do. That is another story for another day....anyways...)

But a small part of me, (well, maybe a part of me that is growing larger every day) wants to move. I want a change. A change of scenery and of people. I am bored here. DH thinks once we have a child, that will change. But what if we do not have a child? Or it takes 2 more years? Or 5 more years?

I would joke with DH and my family that if our IVF cycle did not work - we were moving to the islands. Today, I found myself looking up apartment rentals in USVI. I need something to change.

What I am obsessing over is this: is moving worth the risk of losing the financial/career/benefit stability that we have? Our income is good, we have longevity at our jobs, we have 3/4 wks of vacation, retirement benefits, etc...... But is this what life is about? Is it worth it, if we are not happy? Can I wait any longer? Do I have the patience to see it through?

Year One.

I made this a few days ago and finally figured out how to make it bigger as a picture in my layout. But I also want to *journal* this for my historical sake, so I am making a post. (I had never thought of this as my own place in history until I just wrote that.....Hmmmm......maybe, I should make it more interesting! LOL :-) Okay, on with my thoughts.

We began the official journey with treatment last Dec/Jan. It has *officially* been (gulp) 1 year. This wordle represents our 1st year of IF treatment.

Now, on with Year Two.

Planning ahead.

This week has been busy with work. But my mind is wandering. Is there anything else we should be doing or taking to help with our *issues* while we are on this break from treatment? I have mild endo and DH has low counts and morph. Our next step will more than likely be another IVF cycle. (Unless, there is huge improvement in DH's SA).

For now, I am taking a prenatal, calcium and DHA supplements. Also, royal jelly with bee pollen. DH is taking a multi-vitamin and recently started Fertil.eAid. I wonder if this is enough?

I am off work until Monday. This will give me some time and I plan to read-up on all of the latest suggestions. It has been awhile since I have done research on this, so if anyone has any suggestions, please share!

UPDATE: Thanks for the suggestions!

Erica, WELCOME to the IF blog world! It is not a great place to be, but it makes it better knowing that you are not alone. Thanks for sharing your story.....I look forward to reading more about your journey.

Mamasoon, no, our RE did not recommend the Fertile.Aid ~ while we are on this break, we decided to give it a try. And, I thought DHA is an omega 3?? Also, I take flax seed ~ forgot that one!

Emily, I am interested in the supplement your RE recommended ~ I'm going to check that out. Also, I did accupuncture during our cycle with a guy who specializes in infertility AP ~ LOVED it. But he is 3hrs away..... : (

Retro Girl, I have heard about the Fertility Diet before, I'm going to check into that, too.

While I'm Waiting...

The past year brought a lot of frustration, dark days, and challenges. It was the beginning of our journey through infertility. However, the past year also brought the beginning of a new, more important journey. The beginning of our journey to serve the Lord.

As a couple dealing with IF, we often find ourselves questioning our faith, our purpose and God's plan. It is so hard. I have read many posts from IF bloggers who have experienced similar questions and thoughts in their journeys. I can always relate.

So, I want to share this song with the IF blogosphere. I first heard this song last month in our service for Advent. It brought a raw, emotional response from me and my DH during that service as we were thinking about our situation. Since then, it has become my daily prayer. I want to live my life in a way that glorifies God. And while I wait, I want to serve Him.

As I searched for a link to share this, someone created a video dedicated to those of us facing IF. IMHO, appropriately. So, I have posted that version below. Enjoy!

p.s. Remember to "pause" the volume on the music player at the bottom of the page! :-)

My View: Then and Now

Whew, what a week. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I cannot believe I never thought about that paper or my writing of it this past year or so while we have been contemplating our future. Thanks to those of you who commented on my discovery and to answer the question a few of you asked....

My views on Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights have not changed since writing that paper. Perhaps, may be a little stronger. I believe once the bio-parents sign their rights over - the adoption is a DONE deal. I have thoughts about when that should be done, who has a say, etc. but the short version is: the adoptive parents' rights and emotions need protection, too. I have a few friends who have adopted domestically. Each encountered emotional turmoil because of bio-parents indeciveness and no one should have to endure such. I am not judging the bio-parents and I cannot imagine making the decision to give my baby up for adoption. However, I feel, once the decision has been made....it needs to be that way for all parties involved.

Is it Friday, yet?

Coincidence?

In prep of *officially* making life changes and taking our next steps toward IF treatment, we are preparing to sell our house. Today, I was going through old boxes that we have not opened since moving here 5 years ago. I came across some old school work. Since college is 10 years in my rear view, I decided it was time to purge.

A few things caught my eye, like a junior high collage. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and sort it (what to keep, what to trash, what to shred). Thankfully, my "what to keep pile" isn't too large......but what I came across is *BIG* and has got me thinking.....

My high school research paper. Topic: Biological Parents' Rights vs. Adoptive Parents' Rights. I TOTALLY had forgot about this! You may remember back in the early 90's, it was a *hot topic*. There were several court cases and many in the national media. I have always wanted to work with children. So even back in high school, I was interested in the topic. But today, seeing this, it brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach. Ironic? Coincidence? Is this the path our life will lead? Is this the path I have been destined to lead?

DH said one word, "Weird." Maybe, I will ask him more tomorrow. I am scared.

Dreaming of warmer days...

It is officially C-O-L-D! It is -19 degrees. And that is the air temp, not even the wind chill! To make me feel better, I browsed some of our pics from the islands last year....in case it's cold where you are, thought I'd share them with you!

Trunk Bay, St. John, USVI

Cruz Bay, St. John, USVI

Today was an exciting day! (not IF related!)

Today will go down as one of the most exciting days of my life. It was a first for me. A first for us. Today, N and I helped with the annual "Food Drop" at our church. Through a special drive, a Christmas Offering, the church purchased food and personal care items from Feed the Children (FTC).

The church assembled the boxes a few months ago. The church packed the boxes last month at the local FTC warehouse. And today, the church bought the boxes (over 6,000!), unloaded them from 8 FTC semis throughout the community, and delivered them to 20 community agencies and 13 neighborhoods. In some areas, people went door-to-door to deliver the items. This event alone will serve over 3,000 families.

I am inspired by the generousity of our church. Our community has been hit hard by the economic down-turn. Our county has the highest unemployment rate in our state. However, over 2,000 people arrived by 9am on a Saturday morning in heavy snow to serve God and our community. It is amazing to be a small part of such a wonderful group of people who care for others and are working to bring "up there, down here".

I'll close with this verse my pastor posted on his blog this afternoon:

2 Corinthians 8:2-5 - Although they were going through hard times and were very poor, they were glad to give generously. They gave as much as they could afford and even more, simply because they wanted to. They even asked and begged us to let them have the joy of giving their money for God's people. And they did more than we had hoped.

every corner, every turn

Faith. I have it. Trying to keep it. But when days like today happen, it makes me ponder the universe and, ultimately, makes me ask God why? What are you trying to tell me? What is your plan for my life? Waiting. Waiting. No answer - patience comes to mind - I try. I am really, really trying to have patience.

Just this week, N and I have made some big financial decisions. Last night, we went to our monthly communion service. Letting go of our burdens, leaving with a *clean slate* was the message. I was there. I left worship feeling at peace and renewed. We went to dinner afterwards, and had a really good talk. I love my husband. I was in such a good place last night, and this morning.

Then, today - SHATTERED...

After a meeting this afternoon, a co-worker (I'm her boss) asks to talk to me - she tells me she is pregnant! She just found out this morning and it was a "shock" - they were not "expecting" it - she doesn't know what to do - she will be considered high-risk because of her age - she doesn't want to tell anyone yet - she is 43 years old! She wanted me to know because she isn't sure what will happen. She feels terrible because of "your situation" (that would be MY IF situation - my staff know we are having trouble, seeking tx with a specialist, but no details). And this is child #4 or 5......she has a 6yr old (who was an "accident", and her other kids are in their 20's. She married VERY young.....)

Then, no less than 2hrs later, I was driving with a co-worker (different person - again, I'm her boss) and her son calls (who's wife is expecting) and they found out the gender today - a girl! Then, I get to talk about names, due dates, u/s, etc. for the next hour.....

What in the world? Why is this being thrown in my face? Every corner, every turn, IF is there.

I am not upset with these people for the joys and events in their life. In the gut-wrenching moment, I'm able to smile and congratulate them, and mean it. I am happy for their happiness. But dang, it hurts. It hurts not to have that kind of news. I feel like I take 10 steps back in my quest to be at peace with our situation. We are on a long road and I know it will not be easy. I need to find the strength to deal with it and the faith to leave it to God, always. Believe in His plan. Let Him burden this pain, this hurt.

Maybe, tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow will be a better day.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

After a few busy weeks with the holidays, I'm glad to be at home with just me and N. I've been "unplugged" a lot, just trying to enjoy the moment and stay away from my obsessive googling on IF treatment, stories, etc. However, the past few days, I've enjoyed catching up on the holiday blog posts....it's nice to remember we are not alone in our emotions and struggles with IF.

Christmas reflection...
We spent a week visiting our families out of town. Mostly my family, but we did see his family on Christmas Day. Busy day, lots of children. Loved it. Saddened by it. Inspired by it. Laughed at it. Cried about it. Seriously, how can all of those emotions show up on one day? All in all, it was a good day. Then, we went with my parents on a weekend get-a-way. The guys spent time outdoors riding 4-wheelers and hunting while enjoying the unseasonable weather. My mom and I spent time shopping and hanging out. It was nice. I'm glad we spent the extra time with them.

2008 reflection...
Although we end 2008 with hope for the new year, it was a tough year for us. Thinking back, it was a whirlwind. Almost surreal. It seems like the year literally flew by....like in warp speed. The highlights surround our TTC journey. January started with a bunch of tests as a result of our initial RE appt. February brought MFI diagnosis. March was a lap surgery with endo diagnosis and removal of a tubal cyst. We started our 1st IVF cycle in April and finished it in May. June brought the darkest days of my life. (Even as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears.......) We took a much needed mental health vacay in July. We finally had our post-IVF appt with RE in August and spent the rest of the month discussing what we would do next. We decided to go for an IUI. Started that in September and finished it in October. November and December, we spent thinking, dreaming, and planning our next steps toward becoming parents....

There are other 2008 highlights that I must capture...

~N and I found a church home. We went to our first service there in November, and haven't looked back. We are discovering our faith and next steps toward Christ.

~My youngest sister bought her first house in March, graduated from college in May, passed her boards for nursing in July, and was married in December! It was a great year for her. I am very proud of her and all that she has accomplished.

~And, we will have a new President in 19 days...I am very proud of our country!

And now, Happy New Year....it is 2009...
I am not quite sure what the year holds for us. However, I am finding comfort and peace that it is in God's hands. He will continue to lead us on this journey. We will continue to seek Him and discover our faith. My hope for the new year is that I can keep a positive outlook on our situation and recognize the blessings in our life. I do not want to be bitter and angry. I do not want to fall into the negativity and hopelessness that can so easily consume you when dealing with IF.

Our goal this year is to take our next steps toward becoming parents. Whatever way that may be. Right now, it seems that another IVF cycle is that way. We have decided that we only want to do another IVF cycle at CCRM. If we can do that, it will be a successful year.